Multitude Monday

61. A week of getting reacquainted
62. Worship at church with Brett by my side ... my favorite hymn Isaiah 43 .... always makes me cry, this time tears of joy!
63. Answered prayer, within three days home a job offer and an interview!!
64. A trip to the zoo .... seriously, how can anyone think that our beautiful earth and all of the wonders of creation came to be just by chance??
65. hummingbirds found my feeder!
66. steak dinner with Brett ... gift from grandpa and grandma
67. healthy legs, heart and lungs that carry me as I try to turn myself into a runner
68. My found boy coming along on my run .... so many times I walked alone praying for him the whole way
69. Paul, the one other person who can fully appreciate and share my joy!!
70. skype .... Blake is so far away yet we can speak face to face!

Multitude Monday

Only a day late this time ....

I have spent much time on this blog writing about my oldest child, my lost boy, (now found) that I haven't written about my other children much

51. Lindly, my only daughter who is as unique and lovely as her name, given to her by her dad, who was away on a ship at the time of her birth. She is my ally in this sea of testosterone I live in.

52. Blake, who will be running with the Buffaloes soon (as in the University of Colorado Buffaloes) My heart is already aching at the thought of his absence ... he brings such joy into our home with his wonderful humor ... he makes us all laugh

53. Joel, my youngest. He has touched my heart by the way he so quickly forgave his older brother. When I felt the whole world was against my lost boy ... he was one who stood with me.

54. Paul and his unending patience with me.

55. Listening Prayer .. a wonderful book about learning to hear God's voice ...

56. air conditioning .... it's HOT outside

57. chemo therapy and radiation ... killing cancer cells in my dear dad's body

58. my mom and her undying devotion to dad

59. time

60. a phone call from a friend ... rejoicing with me as I count down the days until Brett comes home.

Multitude Monday

Ohh maybe someday I will find the consistency I have been looking for, maybe next week it will turn up. I have been looking for quite some time. I suspect it is around here somewhere, not lost, just misplaced.
 I digress ... even though it's been awhile since I put gratitude to screen. I continue with my list of a thousand blessings (even though a thousand is but a mere sampling of multitudes I've been blessed with)





41. Paul .... can I ever have a list that would not include him?
42. Flipping the calendar to August to finally see the day my prodigal son will once again grace our table.
43. Gray cat purring in my lap .... a seemingly small blessing that brings an abundance of peace and rest for my soul each day.
44. technology that connects me to a dear friend thousands of miles away ... i  miss her, even years later
45. unexpected concert tickets on a balmy Friday night ... good time with blessing number 41
46. hope
47. good neighbors
48. a hot summer to follow up such a bitter cold winter
49. a child who has the gift of humor .... who always makes me laugh, even when he isn't trying to be funny
50. legacy .... mom and dad and 49 years of marriage

Arrows

I was clipped by an arrow yesterday.


"In addition to all this take up your shield of faith with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one"

Evidently I had set my shield aside while I caught up on some blogs I like to visit.

 No worries, just a flesh wound. 

The blog I visited is that of an up and coming writer. He is truly talented. He has a book coming out some time this year. I plan to purchase it straight away.
Yesterday he posted a poignant story about an old friend named Joey, a friend who happened to be a drug addict. The story was about starting over.
I was enjoying the story until the end.
In the end the addiction wins ....
I'm left wondering... is this a true story? did the writer really have a friend from childhood turned drug addict?

Its hard to tell with good story tellers.
I think that some of them are masters at taking their day to day lives and spinning them into wonderful tales.

or perhaps

they are good at taking the truth and embellishing it just a tad sometimes ... or maybe a lot like James Frey did with A Million Little Pieces

Either way for this particular story I'm left wondering ....
and hurting

Wondering why we like to hear sad stories like this. There was a time when a story like this would have moved ... but not wounded me.

But today these words .... "they found him in his apartment" "The needle was still in his arm" pierced me like an arrow.

As the arrow struck I heard a whisper ..... ' the drugs will win, they always do"   


I reached for my shield of faith. So strong, so sure.

Alas the damage has been done. I am hurting.


Hurting for all the Joey's who believed the lie.
For their mothers, mothers who suffer along side watching helplessly as the lie becomes truth.

No, our story will not end this way. For every Joey out there I believe there is someone who fought the battle and won.

Those stories just don't have the same effect in the end ... hardly ever a gasp, a skipped breath.

But for me, those are the stories I long to hear today, I need to hear.

Someday ... I will tell my story.

Altered Plans

Years ago, a much younger, childish self thought she was in love.  Dreams were dreamt, plans were made. I saw a future with a young man.
and then, something happened ...   his path was altered .... turned away from mine.
Our plans were frustrated. There would be no future for us. Once again I was walking alone.


not really

It was not long before I met the man who would become my husband.

When I think of the man I lost I remember him with warm affection. He was kind. I hope his path has led him to Christ.
I thought I loved him ..... but have since come to realize that love is not the fickle, self serving emotion I embraced back then.

No, love is so much more

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.


I have been married for twenty six years now. I know what love is. God's word tells me .....
I see it every day in the eyes of the man I married

I am so very blessed and thankful for altered plans

Boats, Helicopters and Faith

A man trapped in his home as flood waters rise.

A rescue boat comes by as he is climbing onto the roof of his house.

"don't waste your time on me" he says "the Lord will save me"

He spends time in prayer asking the Lord to save him.

After awhile another boat comes, by now all that is above the water is his roof.

"Oh no,  save someone else" "my faith is strong" "the Lord will save me"

More time in prayer ....

soon he is treading water

a helicopter hovering above him drops a life preserver

"no, no, my faith will not waver " "the Lord will save me"

sadly, the man drowns ....

when he gets to heaven he falls before the Lord

"Oh Lord, I had such faith! Why did you not save me from the flood waters??"

The Lord looks at him with eyes full of love, smiles and says

My child, I sent two boats and a helicopter ......




This is one of my all time favorite jokes. I love it because it is clean and it is also such a good illustration at how often we do not see how our heavenly Father is caring for us. We have our own ideas of what his help will be, how it will look, and when it will come.

A week ago my son, who has been incarcerated at a local regional jail for the last fifteen months was transferred. With less than two months left to serve he has been sent to a processing facility to determine which penitentiary he should go to. Most likely he will remain there for the duration of his sentence since the process usually takes longer than the total time he has left.

Once again I find myself assaulted by worries. The enemy whispers lies.

Today as I was walking and praying I asked God why he has allowed the enemy to attack me once again. I thought I had won this battle months ago yet here I am  again being tossed about by worry and fear.

This joke came to mind and when I returned home from my walk I spent time in His word.

Two boats and a helicopter ......

I found a boat today in Proverbs

I need to keep my eyes open for the next one .....

Multitude Monday

Seems like somewhere along the way I missed some blessings. My dear husband pointed out to me that I had jumped from 30 to 41 ..... after some investigation i discovered that he was indeed correct. So, here are the missing 10. Although, today as I contemplate my blessings and endeavor to list some here I am struck by the simple truth that if I were to list every single one I would be here for days on end.

31. my dad  ...... I love him so much and have recently been reminded of this while waiting for him to come out of surgery.

32.  My sister, my brother and my mom. An abundance of happy childhood memories as the littlest Tinker.

33. Plane ticket that will take me home to mom and dad.

34. A supportive husband.

35. long phone conversations with my daughter, who is now one of my best friends.

36. a purring contented cat, lounging in my lap .... I don't know how or why this brings me so much peace, it just does =)

37. Bible study fellowship, this study has challenged me, strengthened me, and held me accountable.

38. A daily schedule that was once busy and demanding but now is slow, quiet, ... a time for seeking and resting.

39. a rainy day

40. grace, of which I am always in need

One Thousand Gifts

51. an afternoon walking through glorious gardens with Paul

52. Kittens to play with

53. The beauty of spring right in my own backyard

54. a walk with Jack

55. good neighbors


56. ice cream


57. a healthy body that can run off calories accumulated by # 56. =)


58. a week forecast of mild temps and sunny days


59. large capacity washing machine


60. a grateful teenager

One Thousand Gifts

40. 25 almost 26 years with a man who loves me, cherishes me, protects me and always gives me a soft place to fall


41. A conversation with the youngest about creation, science, and faith


42. A friend not seen for a long time dropping by to say hello


43. A daughter, grown who has become a best friend


44. Hugs from one who is normally too reserved


45. A conversation with the prodigal about future worship, a realization that even though he is not in my arms yet he is really home




46. waking up to birds in the trees of my backyard




47. quiet mornings to sit at the feet of the Savior




48. coffee waiting ... left for me by my dearest




49. warm days here at last!!




50. a week of boys home from school

Oh Peter

Peter

How I see myself in him. Last year at this time I was much like Peter when he saw the Lord walking on the water. The storm was all around him and while the other disciples stayed in the boat it was Peter who asked the Lord if he could come. Jesus answered him with "come".

 I wonder how many steps Peter took before the wind and the storm got the better of him.  I'd like to think that if it would have been me in that boat, that I would have walked boldly into the arms of Jesus. My life so far tells me different. Many times I have run to Jesus and found comfort and peace in His word. Only to see it slip away as I look at the circumstances in my life. Just like Peter, walking in faith until he saw the waves and felt the power of the wind. Yes, I've learned from Peter. He began to sink and while fear had a grip on him he called out to Jesus "Lord save me!" I've  done the same and each time felt the arms of my savior lift me up.

I laughed to myself as I thought what if I was Peter and he a modern day man reading about me and learning from me. I can certainly see myself saying "no Jesus, you will never wash my feet" then upon hearing the words of Jesus "If I do not wash you, you have no share with me". Then Peter "Lord, not my feet only but also my hands and head!" All or nothing! I hear the words of my sweet mother "Tina, you are so dramatic!" Something I heard more than a few times in my youth.

Who can overlook his passion as he drew his sword and sliced the ear off of the high priest's servant. There were many soldiers present, perhaps hundreds. Peter was prepared to fight. His courage was misplaced. It was not what his Lord needed from him at the time. Had Jesus not rebuked him, he most certainly would have been killed.

All of  Peter's good intentions outlined in scripture are usually overshadowed by the denial of his Lord and savior. Three times, as Jesus foretold " "Will you lay down your life for me? Truly, truly I say to you, the rooster will not crow till you have denied me three times".


Once again Peter allowed fear to get a grip on him as he looked to his circumstances. Jesus had been arrested, led away and was in the midst of the pharisees suffering false accusations, humiliation and beatings. John 18:15,16 Simon Peter followed Jesus, and so did another disciple. Since that disciple was known to the high priest, he entered with Jesus into the court of the high priest, but Peter stood outside at the door. He followed Jesus, but at a safe distance.

It was here that he first denies Jesus. He was so gripped in fear that even a lowly servant girl caused him to deny the Lord. The passion that had fueled his courage in brandishing a sword in the face of roman soldiers had disappeared. Now he was consumed with self preservation and fear.

the third denial

Luke 22:60-62 
But Peter said, "Man, I do not know what you are talking about". And immediately while he was still speaking the rooster crow. And the Lord turned and looked at Peter. And Peter remembered the saying of the Lord, how he had said to him "Before the rooster crows today, you will deny me three times" And he went out and wept bitterly.

No matter how many times I read these passages I still feel such a heaviness in my heart for Peter. Too many times I have let my emotions run amok while cowering against the waves. I have made decisions based on my feelings in the moment rather than look to Jesus for direction and strength. I can only imagine the heartache Peter felt as he looked into the eyes of his friend, his Savior and Lord knowing he had failed him.

Peter's bitter tears paved the way of repentance and restoration. Peter continued to follow after Jesus. After the resurrection Jesus appeared to the disciples, in the book of John there is an account of Peter "throwing himself into the sea" to go after Jesus. Yes, once again I can see myself here!

Peter went on to lead many people, thousands to the Lord. He lived by the power of the Holy Spirit. This is the Peter I want to be like. It is good to know he continued and that God helped him to harness all that fervor and passion for good.

Multitude Monday

21. The saints who take time to diligently study and prepare bible study materials that help me learn more about my Heavenly Father and His kingdom.

22. An earthly family to share life's burdens with.

23. An earthly father who loves me, whom I love with my whole heart

23. A mother who taught me how to be a good wife and mother, who is full of patience, love and grace.

24. my dear husband who works hard to provide for our family

25. The testimony of Peter, I see myself in him sometimes

26.  SPRING!

27. running into old friends who care and do not judge

28. financial provision for higher education

29. health

30. abundance!

Multitude Monday

11. A deck on which I can enjoy the warmth of spring and birds to the feeder and bath

12. The Holy Spirit within me who stopped me from sharing an angry word

13. A sister to share with, to laugh with ... I love you Maggie

14. Two kittens, a cat and a rebellious little dog to share life with

15. Bible study leaders that take the time to prepare and lead

16. the finances to provide needed medical care for those mentioned in #4

17. Oreo cookies

18. sleeping until I am fully rested

19. a young man who waits with a contrite and hopeful heart

20. grace

My First Multitude Monday list

1. My salvation in Christ Jesus

2. the ease at which I can move about, health and wellness

3. a helpmate who loves me, cares for me and makes me laugh

4. children whom I love dearly

5. comfort ... I have all I need and so much more

6. the word of God and the freedom to pursue it openly

7. a beautiful day full of sun ... it's been a bitter winter

8. quiet time to seek Him and reflect on what He has done

9. friends who have come alongside when i needed them most

10. a new community of brothers and sisters in Christ

time to regroup

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately.
A year ago my world came crashing down around me through the drug addiction and subsequent arrest and incarceration of my oldest child.
I have written a great deal about it.
Mostly it has been scattered thoughts, some poetry here and there but overall it has been rather disjointed.

Brett and I pray that some day God will help us tell our story. It is one that is full of pain but also grace, mercy, redemption, and love. Right in the middle of it all is Jesus. I have started another blog in which to begin telling my side of it all. You can find it here .

I am hoping to continue to write about other things here as that was my original intent. This past year has been difficult and I have spent much of it alone, in prayer, in tears, and also sleeping!  It has been a time of rest, of strengthening, of seeking. I have cast off my mourning clothes. It is time to live, to hope, to dream again.

untitled

This came in the mail today, written by Brett ... I am so happy he is writing again. Now with a clear mind.  I have various notebooks, journals, and scrap notes of his that I have collected over the years as he was in and out of our home. Sometimes they are hard to read. The influence of drugs painfully evident, yet as I pour over them I  see flashes of brilliance, little bits of the boy I knew and glimpses of the man I knew he could be. He told me it is a rough draft and he wants to work on it some more but I wanted to post it anyway and he said that would be fine so here it is ....

make way I say!

make way I scream!

it's the march of the damned 

it's the dead souls parade!

the onlookers now,

they don't seem quite so brave

as the troupe marches on

trailing footprints in flames

pray that I'm not lost

rubber necked with wide eyed wonder

I'm resistant to the cross 

knowing well my soul's to sunder

the crowd looking on 

thinning quick

friends are gone

I'm fading sick

my eyes search the black robed mass

for and end, a heel to death's repast

but

I know, I feel

as hope fades fast

no end in sight

hope dies at last

pray that I'm not lost

rubber necked with wide eyed wonder

broken before the cross

knowing well my soul's to sunder

my feet shuffle forward

I'm pulled into the throng

inside, outside I'm screaming

this life turned out all wrong

but now I see I'm lifting

as I leave the ground behind

towards death the mass keeps drifting

but tears of joy have left me blind

knowing I'm not lost

angelic applause roars like thunder

I'll kneel before the cross

eternally filled with wide eyed wonder

Trusting

My dear friend Heather was listening to K-LOVE radio and described a challenge they were talking about.

The challenge was to come up with one word that you would want to describe your life for this coming year.

Her word is faithful.

you can read about it here

At the end of her post she asks "what is your word?"

That one was an easy one for me

Trusting

As I look ahead I see so much to come
My children are spreading their wings

one will go off to college in the fall

the youngest will have a drivers license

My daughter will be graduating from college, applying to medical school and possibly joining the military

Our prodigal son will be returning home from jail to begin the process of learning to live sober, drug free

As I look behind me I remember the great pain that came with last year ....

Oh these children of mine

they walk around each day carrying with them pieces of my heart

Do they know?

Do they see how tender, how fragile my mother heart is?

How it aches with each disappointment they face
each time they stumble and fall
I am there
falling, hurting
right along with them

As I write these words I think of  Jesus
"he wept"
tears of grief
of anger, indignation
at the consequence, the destruction that  sin brings
for those He loves
Mary, Martha, Lazarus ....

you
me

I carry Him with me every day
for each triumph
He smiles with me
for each heartache
He weeps with me

He holds my mother heart in His hands

and there I trust ....

That Day

January 14, 2009 will be a day forever etched in my memory. It was the day I learned that my oldest child was ....

a heroin addict

"he's been doing heroin" words spoken by his then girlfriend.

heroin ...

for a moment I couldn't breathe
I hung up the phone
I was alone

the house was silent except for the deafening scream that came from the depths of my soul
I didn't scream audibly
it was much louder than that

For weeks I had had my suspicions that something was not right. He had a history of drug use. Marijuana mainly, sometimes hallucinogenic drugs

So many signs

signs I didn't want to see

 What mother wants to see that her son is a drug addict?

I had forgotten my prayers...

"Lord God, please reveal the truth"

Weeks earlier some money had gone missing , there was a confrontation, denial ... no proof only suspicions.

For years my prayers had been the same.

Dear Lord, please break the hold drugs have on him

Lord, call him to yourself

Lord Jesus, send him strong christian fellowship

friends who will pray for him, encourage him

Lord, speak to him

Yet as the years went by the hold that drugs had seemed to get stronger

there were no christian friends in his life

his high school friends had all but disappeared

so my prayers stayed the same ... but with one more ...

Lord reveal the truth

there had been times of hope

he had lived at home for a year without incident. Working, saving money. Spending time with family.

I thought I had seen glimpses of my lost boy

then an answered prayer

Here was the truth
the truth was heroin
heroin flowing in my child's veins
blinding him to his savior
 his family
 his future
poison
killing him
little by little
with each needle
this child of mine who carries my heart

killed a part of me too