Saturday, January 23, 2010


My dear friend Heather was listening to K-LOVE radio and described a challenge they were talking about.
The challenge was to come up with one word that you would want to describe your life for this coming year.
Her word is faithful.
you can read about it here

At the end of her post she asks "what is your word?"

That one was an easy one for me


As I look ahead I see so much to come
My children are spreading their wings
one will go off to college in the fall
the youngest will have a drivers license
My daughter will be graduating from college, applying to medical school and possibly joining the military
Our prodigal son will be returning home from jail to begin the process of learning to live sober, drug free
As I look behind me I remember the great pain that came with last year ....

Oh these children of mine
they walk around each day carrying with them pieces of my heart

Do they know?

Do they see how tender, how fragile my mother heart is?

How it aches with each disappointment they face
each time they stumble and fall
I am there
falling, hurting
right along with them

As I write these words I think of  Jesus
"he wept"
tears of grief
of anger, indignation
at the consequence, the destruction that  sin brings
for those He loves
Mary, Martha, Lazarus ....


I carry Him with me every day
for each triumph
He smiles with me
for each heartache
He weeps with me

He holds my mother heart in His hands

and there I trust ....

Thursday, January 21, 2010

That Day

January 14, 2009 will be a day forever etched in my memory. It was the day I learned that my oldest child was ....

a heroin addict

"he's been doing heroin" words spoken by his then girlfriend.

heroin ...

for a moment I couldn't breathe
I hung up the phone
I was alone

the house was silent except for the deafening scream that came from the depths of my soul
I didn't scream audibly
it was much louder than that

For weeks I had had my suspicions that something was not right. He had a history of drug use. Marijuana mainly, sometimes hallucinogenic drugs

So many signs

signs I didn't want to see

 What mother wants to see that her son is a drug addict?

I had forgotten my prayers...

"Lord God, please reveal the truth"

Weeks earlier some money had gone missing , there was a confrontation, denial ... no proof only suspicions.

For years my prayers had been the same.

Dear Lord, please break the hold drugs have on him
Lord, call him to yourself
Lord Jesus, send him strong christian fellowship
friends who will pray for him, encourage him
Lord, speak to him

Yet as the years went by the hold that drugs had seemed to get stronger
there were no christian friends in his life
his high school friends had all but disappeared

so my prayers stayed the same ... but with one more ...
Lord reveal the truth

there had been times of hope
he had lived at home for a year without incident. Working, saving money. Spending time with family.
I thought I had seen glimpses of my lost boy

then an answered prayer

Here was the truth
the truth was heroin
heroin flowing in my child's veins
blinding him to his savior
 his family
 his future
killing him
little by little
with each needle
this child of mine who carries my heart

killed a part of me too