That Day

January 14, 2009 will be a day forever etched in my memory. It was the day I learned that my oldest child was ....

a heroin addict

"he's been doing heroin" words spoken by his then girlfriend.

heroin ...

for a moment I couldn't breathe
I hung up the phone
I was alone

the house was silent except for the deafening scream that came from the depths of my soul
I didn't scream audibly
it was much louder than that

For weeks I had had my suspicions that something was not right. He had a history of drug use. Marijuana mainly, sometimes hallucinogenic drugs

So many signs

signs I didn't want to see

 What mother wants to see that her son is a drug addict?

I had forgotten my prayers...

"Lord God, please reveal the truth"

Weeks earlier some money had gone missing , there was a confrontation, denial ... no proof only suspicions.

For years my prayers had been the same.

Dear Lord, please break the hold drugs have on him

Lord, call him to yourself

Lord Jesus, send him strong christian fellowship

friends who will pray for him, encourage him

Lord, speak to him

Yet as the years went by the hold that drugs had seemed to get stronger

there were no christian friends in his life

his high school friends had all but disappeared

so my prayers stayed the same ... but with one more ...

Lord reveal the truth

there had been times of hope

he had lived at home for a year without incident. Working, saving money. Spending time with family.

I thought I had seen glimpses of my lost boy

then an answered prayer

Here was the truth
the truth was heroin
heroin flowing in my child's veins
blinding him to his savior
 his family
 his future
poison
killing him
little by little
with each needle
this child of mine who carries my heart

killed a part of me too

The Storm

I had originally written this back in March, I don't know why I didn't post it. Perhaps it just got lost in the storm. I was going over old posts this evening and found it. I wanted to post it now because I remember where I was when I wrote it and while I may not be on a mountain top yet, the sun is shining. In any case here it is......

I find myself in a spiritual storm of sorts today

I saw it coming.... 

There were dark clouds, rumbling.... yes, the signs of an impending storm were definitely there

Yet I was as powerless to stop it as I would be to stop a real thunderstorm

At times the thunder is deafening

I see flashes of lightning everywhere

The rain is relentless, pounding down all around me

The wind is fierce I can hardly hear myself think as it howls all through the night

At first I was so frightened by this storm

The rain blinded me, the lightning terrified me, I could hardly walk....

paralyzed, as the wind gusted all around me eventually casting me down like a rag doll

It was there, on my face, completely bewildered and frightened that I heard a voice........

Come to Me my child

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

He reached down from Heaven and ever so gently picked me up and gathered me to Himself

Here in His arms the rain, thunder, and lightning cannot touch me. For I know that the rain falls, and the lightning flashes and the wind blows only at his will

I don't know when this storm will end but I do know that just like real storms are needed to cleanse and water the earth. There is a reason for this one in my life 

I know the sun will shine again

Until then I will lean into His arms and wait

I found my soul

This was a writing prompt from Seedlings in Stone  that I began but didn't finish until recently. If you haven't spent time over there you should definitely go for a visit, it's such a cool place with much to offer. It is the blog of the author L.L. Barkat. A lovely woman full of grace and encouragement and awesome writing prompts for newbies like me.

I found my soul.....

backed into a dimly lit alley

sickly, malnourished,  yet fierce...

There....

in between the shadows 

I could see her ....

eyes flashing....... undaunted

The evil ones

they came at her 

one

two

three at a time

with savage blows

they beat her down...

she bore each new blow with a determined stare

facing them, one by one

with calm defiance

I stood, mesmerized 

watching

As her claws came out

Sharp teeth, ready to do battle

As she fought with a rage only a mother knows

a mother protecting her young

they left her

wounded, but not defeated

I watched her walk to a corner in the alley

a faint mew....

Her young one was safe

Be

breathing

living

being

wake up

live

hang on

light

i cannot see 

BELIEVE

wake up

live

BE

The waiting

Morning dawns a new day

The sun unfolds rays of brilliant light as I gaze across the yard

My forehead pressed against the glass

looking for footprints long gone...

Birds sing sweetly

children are laughing, playing 

Yet somehow....

there is no warmth from the sun  

the brilliant rays are suddenly dim

The sweet songs from the birds are sad to me now

I strain to hear the laughter but I cannot.....

My boy is lost

My boy is lost