That Day

January 14, 2009 will be a day forever etched in my memory. It was the day I learned that my oldest child was ....

a heroin addict

"he's been doing heroin" words spoken by his then girlfriend.

heroin ...

for a moment I couldn't breathe
I hung up the phone
I was alone

the house was silent except for the deafening scream that came from the depths of my soul
I didn't scream audibly
it was much louder than that

For weeks I had had my suspicions that something was not right. He had a history of drug use. Marijuana mainly, sometimes hallucinogenic drugs

So many signs

signs I didn't want to see

 What mother wants to see that her son is a drug addict?

I had forgotten my prayers...

"Lord God, please reveal the truth"

Weeks earlier some money had gone missing , there was a confrontation, denial ... no proof only suspicions.

For years my prayers had been the same.

Dear Lord, please break the hold drugs have on him

Lord, call him to yourself

Lord Jesus, send him strong christian fellowship

friends who will pray for him, encourage him

Lord, speak to him

Yet as the years went by the hold that drugs had seemed to get stronger

there were no christian friends in his life

his high school friends had all but disappeared

so my prayers stayed the same ... but with one more ...

Lord reveal the truth

there had been times of hope

he had lived at home for a year without incident. Working, saving money. Spending time with family.

I thought I had seen glimpses of my lost boy

then an answered prayer

Here was the truth
the truth was heroin
heroin flowing in my child's veins
blinding him to his savior
 his family
 his future
poison
killing him
little by little
with each needle
this child of mine who carries my heart

killed a part of me too