Thursday, February 12, 2009

Look Up: Hope in God My Soul


So, on to chapter six. I had to laugh at myself when I pulled out the book to read this chapter. I missed out on the last book but did enjoy reading the insights of other bloggers. So it was with much anticipation that I looked forward to finding out what the next book would be as I had determined that I would get it and jump in.

I was initially disappointed. I thought to myself, "I don't really struggle with negative soul talk". Truth is, I had not. At the time I purchased the book I had been doing my best to stock my soul closet with positive thinking. Of course there is no way I could have known the trial I would be facing. In fact I am so glad I did not know for the knowing surely would have debilitated me.

I have shared before that my son has been in a battle with drugs for some time now. One of the things I have said many times about him is "he takes three steps forward and seven back". This has been his struggle.

In the past four and a half years he has had periods where his drug use was minimal or even non existent. I have prayed countless times for his deliverance. For God to send strong christian fellowship into his life, for him to surrender his heart to God. Oh the heartache in my prayers.

Over the past three months his drug use had escalated to include heroin. I had no idea for drug addicts are masters at deception. I knew something was amiss and had began to ask God to reveal the truth to me. Ever faithful God did indeed reveal the truth. The pain of that revelation was more than I could bear! It propelled my husband and I into actions that eventually led to a tragic event that has landed him in jail facing a most probable prison term. The last thing I said to him before he left my house is "I would rather see you in prison than to turn you over to drugs". Two weeks went by before we learned of his actions and fate.

Those two weeks were riddled with  agony, tears and despair, eventually displaced by hope. Just when I was beginning to live in hope I received the news that he was in jail. The weight of this news sent my "table" crashing down! 

Thankfully my table managed the weight long enough for  me to visit him in jail. God bless two of my dearest friends who came alongside to enable me to be there for him. One of them actually saw the local news story about it and called to see if I was alright. Poor gal, she did not want to be the one to tell me but I am eternally grateful to have heard such awful news from a dear friend than to have seen it on T.V. 

She stayed with my other two boys and ordered pizza for them while my other friend drove me to the jail. I prayed my way there and mustered up every bit of mother love I have to pour out to my boy once I got there. Just like on T.V. there he sat on the other side of a jail window. I picked up the phone to talk to him . I hardly remember what was said besides I love you, your heavenly father loves you as well with a more perfect love than I. Run to him now! I told him that I would never give up on him and that we would do everything in our power to help him. 

When I came home I was numb, my husband was still in Las Vegas on a business trip. Thankfully he was due home early the next morning. 

When I say my table collapsed I mean it did in each way. My emotional leg was in a whirlwind. Every evil depiction of prison life that I had ever seen came back to torment me. Physically I was nauseous all night long, my head ached. Mentally I couldn't think straight, and spiritually I was a picture of despair.  I was physically exhausted but sleep evaded me. I did manage a few hours of fitful sleep.  At 2:30 am I woke for the third time and reached out for my bible and began to do some serious soul talking through the psalms. The Holy Spirit led me right to Psalm 119. All 176 verses of it.

This was the beginning of repairing my table. I have been living my life daily seeking His glorious words to stock my soul closet with. I have taken to writing verses down on index cards, there have been so many that have sustained me and kept me from despair. Jennifer writes in this chapter  "I have hope even in blindness because I choose to always believe in the goodness of God. It is not a once and forever choice. Its a choice I make day by day"

Yes it is! I am making it as well. As I said when I began this post I had to laugh at myself. I do not know what I need but thank God my heavenly Father does and he meets those needs daily, sometimes minute by minute. When I looked over the passages at the end of this chapter I saw that several were oh so familiar as God has given them to me recently.

I have been hesitant to share the details of my story because it is so dark but my prayer is that God would be glorified in this tragedy. He cannot be glorified if I hide away. 

So dear sisters please pray for us and know that as 1 John 4:4 states "because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world"

1 comment:

grey like snuffie said...

"The end of the story is not yet"
I've only recently begun peeking into your world so I want to be careful to not be too familiar....yet I have walked through this with good friends from college days. As I could not with them...I can not imagine what your mom's heart is feeling. But God is able...it's just so hard to watch the sink into a pit...but may it be a godly pit that takes him to the end of himself and face to face with Jesus. We just never know what will come our way..but He knows and will ALWAYS be with us no matter what comes. Our friends son is now clean, sober, married, with two kids and starting the college years that got put on hold. Set your gaze on Him...He alone knows your heart and what you need. Thank you for sharing today...we never do know what God may have around a corner.