Friday, March 27, 2009

When the Unthinkable Happens

Anything in red is from the book

I am so late with my post!! I am looking forward to hearing how everyone else was impacted by this chapter. It truly is a blessing to see God working in each of your lives, I am blessed to be part of this group.

As I read how she met and fell in love with Porter I was struck with the similarities in my own life. I was very young when I met my husband. (19) I also have memories of long rides on the back of Paul's motorcycle with the wind in my hair, arms firmly locked around his waist, we drove all over the island usually settling by a beautiful beach to talk for hours. We laughed and planned our life together. It was a blessed time.

 Like Micca and Porter, Paul and I didn't have much in the way of money when we first started out.  We were fine with that, we had each other. We played board games, Parchesi, trivial pursuit, oh and the game show "name that tune" was one of our favorites I remember how we would watch it while we prepared dinner.  Just two months shy of our second anniversary God blessed us with a baby boy. We were a family!

As I went back in my mind to those early care free days I shuddered to think of how I would have handled a tragedy such as she was forced to endure. 

She writes "in my minds eye, I  burst through the door to the throne room of grace, shook my fist in the face of God, and boldly questioned, "WHY - why did you do this to me? You could have saved him! You're God! Why did you give me that baby and take his father? Oh God I need to know why?

God is faithful and loves us with an everlasting love. He truly is our Heavenly Father, just as a loving earthly father would have done He rushed to Micca and as she writes  "I didn't see Him with my eyes or touch Him with my hands, but I felt His presence consume me as if God poured Himself over my entire body. God is real and ever present, always waiting for us to turn to Him.

 I always love to hear testimony of how God ministers through his word. Micca shared how a passage from Psalm 139 ministered to her. God's word is more than just good advice and wise stories of righteousness. It is the very power of God Himself! 

Amazing how a book that was written over the course of 1500 years by over thirty different authors about so many many different subjects can today be so relevant, so powerful in the lives of man. 

I have a stack of index cards with bible verses written on them. I wrote them down because there were just so many coming to me as I so desperately needed to hear from God.

 Early this year my dream life, much like Micca's, became a living nightmare. Not through the loss of a loved one but through the drug use and addiction of my oldest son. That precious boy God blessed us with almost 23 years ago. In the course of a little less than a month I learned that he was addicted to heroin, he stole from us and his girlfriend to pay for his habit, he at first wanted help to go to rehab. He detoxed here with us while my husband and I took shifts watching him 24 hours a day for four days. Then he walked out of our home back to his drugs only to be arrested two weeks later trying to hold up a pharmacy with a fake bomb around his neck. The swat team was called and he was arrested. The story of his robbery attempt was broadcast on our local news station complete with his mug shot.

I can imagine that for most moms learning that your child is addicted to heroin probably rates pretty high on the "I could never handle that" chart. Truth be told I can't handle it at all. Like Micca I had my time of shouting Why?? How did this happen?? Why didn't you answer my prayers to break the hold drugs had on his life?? I prayed for years!! 
In my flesh I am so weak. After I wailed and screamed at God I just wanted to run away, sleep, hide and at times just die. This problem is too big for me.

The good news is this problem is not just for me to carry, I am not alone. God has been with me every painful step of the way. He is weaving a story of mercy and grace among the pain and heartache that is amazing to behold. The index cards are His messages to me, he has used so many different people and avenues to send them. 

Friends, blogs of women I have never met, T.V. preachers, and sometimes I just happened to open the bible to a particular page that had a specific verse underlined coincidence?? no. Oh and of course this amazing online book/bible study! His ways are so above our ways.

The timing of this book is also part of his sovereign plan. I see myself walking on the water with Jesus, like Peter I have had my days when I looked at the waves, some are just so big! The water is deep and full of fear, the enemy has been close by. At times I have been overwhelmed with sorrow, guilt and regret at things not done, not seen. Jesus has been faithful to call me to himself, to remind me of His power over the water. So my eyes are on him and I continue to put one foot in front of the other.

 I am praying about starting a separate blog to record all that has happened. Several people have asked me this week if I have been doing that. I have shared bits and pieces here but have yet to tell the whole story. Partly because we are still in the midst of it. As I told a friend this morning we will wait and see what mighty things our mighty God will do. I know He will give me the strength and wisdom to share it when the time is right. For now I am doing my best to be faithful to seek Him in his word each day.


Billy Coffey said...

Prayers for you in these tough times. I greatly admire your faith and attitude. As easy as it is to run and hide, you choose to stand. I have no doubts that the pain you feel now will turn to joy in the end.

Anonymous said...

That sounds like a good way for you to work on letting go.