Trusting

My dear friend Heather was listening to K-LOVE radio and described a challenge they were talking about.

The challenge was to come up with one word that you would want to describe your life for this coming year.

Her word is faithful.

you can read about it here

At the end of her post she asks "what is your word?"

That one was an easy one for me

Trusting

As I look ahead I see so much to come
My children are spreading their wings

one will go off to college in the fall

the youngest will have a drivers license

My daughter will be graduating from college, applying to medical school and possibly joining the military

Our prodigal son will be returning home from jail to begin the process of learning to live sober, drug free

As I look behind me I remember the great pain that came with last year ....

Oh these children of mine

they walk around each day carrying with them pieces of my heart

Do they know?

Do they see how tender, how fragile my mother heart is?

How it aches with each disappointment they face
each time they stumble and fall
I am there
falling, hurting
right along with them

As I write these words I think of  Jesus
"he wept"
tears of grief
of anger, indignation
at the consequence, the destruction that  sin brings
for those He loves
Mary, Martha, Lazarus ....

you
me

I carry Him with me every day
for each triumph
He smiles with me
for each heartache
He weeps with me

He holds my mother heart in His hands

and there I trust ....

That Day

January 14, 2009 will be a day forever etched in my memory. It was the day I learned that my oldest child was ....

a heroin addict

"he's been doing heroin" words spoken by his then girlfriend.

heroin ...

for a moment I couldn't breathe
I hung up the phone
I was alone

the house was silent except for the deafening scream that came from the depths of my soul
I didn't scream audibly
it was much louder than that

For weeks I had had my suspicions that something was not right. He had a history of drug use. Marijuana mainly, sometimes hallucinogenic drugs

So many signs

signs I didn't want to see

 What mother wants to see that her son is a drug addict?

I had forgotten my prayers...

"Lord God, please reveal the truth"

Weeks earlier some money had gone missing , there was a confrontation, denial ... no proof only suspicions.

For years my prayers had been the same.

Dear Lord, please break the hold drugs have on him

Lord, call him to yourself

Lord Jesus, send him strong christian fellowship

friends who will pray for him, encourage him

Lord, speak to him

Yet as the years went by the hold that drugs had seemed to get stronger

there were no christian friends in his life

his high school friends had all but disappeared

so my prayers stayed the same ... but with one more ...

Lord reveal the truth

there had been times of hope

he had lived at home for a year without incident. Working, saving money. Spending time with family.

I thought I had seen glimpses of my lost boy

then an answered prayer

Here was the truth
the truth was heroin
heroin flowing in my child's veins
blinding him to his savior
 his family
 his future
poison
killing him
little by little
with each needle
this child of mine who carries my heart

killed a part of me too