Chapter 1: Trying To Be Good Enough

As usual I am a day late in posting! Here it is Wednesday and I am posting to the "Yes to God Tuesday" study. Oh well, I'm trying .... maybe next week =)



Anything in Red is a quote from the book

The false perception was rooted in this one flawed thought: You Lysa, are not acceptable the way you are.

The first time I recall ever thinking that I was not good enough was in the seventh grade. Up until then I had lived on an Air Force Base near Fairbanks Alaska.

The thing about military kids is this: most of them know what it's like to be the new kid. So, they tend to be more compassionate and accepting of new faces in school. New kids were always welcomed easily where I was from.

Well in the seventh grade I found myself at a new school in Texas. One that was far away from the base my dad worked at. That meant there were few to no military brats there. These were kids that had grown up together. Cliques were already long established. Unless you were beautiful, exceptionally athletic or obviously wealthy they really could have cared less.

I was none of those things.

One crisp spring day my bus driver decided to treat me to front door service. He usually let me off at the end of my street. "Today Tina you get front door service" he said with a smile. I was in a good mood. My mom had taken the day off. I knew she had undoubtedly finished all my chores for me. Yes, it was a good day! I remember noticing that the windows were all open as the bus pulled up in front of my house. I thanked the bus driver for the special treatment and bounced off the bus with a skip in my step.

"SEE YA LATER SKAG!!"

A mean boy shouted that me as I skipped up to my front door. A boy I never even talked to. It is the only thing he ever said to me.

"sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you"

Oh yes they can.

Oh my gosh, did mom hear that?

I ran into the house and straight into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. Until then I had not given my appearance a whole lot of thought.

All of a sudden I no longer saw myself as I used to. I didn't see that spunky little gal who laughed easily, who stood up for the underdogs of the world. Who put on skits to entertain her family.

I saw a painfully skinny girl with crooked teeth, poker straight hair and glasses.

and she obviously wasn't good enough.

The thought that I wasn't good enough was more than just a feeling. It had become the filter through which I processed life

That was me! I spent or rather wasted enormous amounts of time and emotional energy trying to be pretty, to be acceptable. Makeup, hair, clothes. Braces, new more fashionable glasses and a bit of weight helped some too.

I did make a few friends along the way who seemed to like me as I was. Eventually a bit of the old spunky little gal reappeared. She was back but she was wounded, changed.

In the first chapter of the book Lysa also talks about how she found religion but recounts how it failed her with the death of her beloved little sister.

Life's unfairness strained against my religious perceptions and the dam of my soul burst wide open.

 I went looking for religion one evening, it was "bring a friend night" at a girlfriend's church. I went expecting to learn about "church".  I met Jesus there. I was so excited at my new life in Christ. I remember sharing with my family to the point that my brother was more than annoyed. Sadly though, the people at the "bring a friend" church weren't so much on follow up. I also remember reading my bible, the only one I had was a King James version. The language was difficult to understand.

So in a way, like Lysa, religion failed me also. Hers with anger and a lack of understanding.

  My flawed ideas of God would only let me love him when He did good things. I couldn't compute how He could have let Haley die.

With me it was the organized church, not one youth worker called, visited or even sent a note to invite me back. I would have come, I was eager to learn but being fourteen not quite bold enough to do it on my own.

So I went back to my life looking for ways to fit in. Trying to be beautiful, acceptable. It would be many years until I finally listened to the still quiet voice of God in my life and turned to Him.

Chapters Eleven and Twelve Wrapping Up an untroubled heart

The authors words are in red

As I wrap up this book study, I think " is my heart untroubled?"

For the most part....Yes.

Not that I don't have times of doubt and fear, of course we all do. We live in a spiritual world.

Ephesians 6:12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places

Pretty heady stuff there! Whether we want to admit it or not there are evil forces at work in our lives. Fear is a powerful weapon that is often used by the enemy to debilitate us. Fear paralyzes us. It is impossible to step out for God when we are overshadowed and bogged down with fear. It becomes our focus and when that is the case, battling it is a full time job.

I know this from very recent personal experience. This book came to me when I was under tremendous spiritual attack. I had recently learned that my oldest child is a heroin addict. Very shortly after that revelation he came home seeking help with his addiction. For those out there who scoff at the above scripture and do not believe in spiritual warfare I would encourage them to spend some time around a drug addict and his/her family. 

This child, the oldest of four. Was at one time worshipped by his two younger brothers, he was the epitome of cool to them. He was universally loved by teachers "he is a joy", "I wish I had a classroom full of him" were comments I regularly received during his school years. Even at an early age he had an easy smile and never met a stranger. He was my joy.

I'll be honest, it had been awhile since I had seen those qualities in him. He is lost, I would say. We didn't see him much.  I had no idea of the true battle taking place in his life. 

I recall praying for God to reveal the truth to me. I had been in denial for some time. Several things had happened that pointed to the truth. I could no longer ignore what was happening. 

Be careful what you pray for. God did indeed reveal the truth. It was a truth I did not want to see. 

As the truth came into our household several ugly companions came along with it. Anger, bitterness, and fear.

It was almost tangible.... I could feel it, picturing it as a hulking demon. Lurking about in the room breathing over our every thought, every move. I remember wanting to scream as I looked from my son to my husband. There were no words to say as we each dealt with the thoughts that bombarded us. My husband in protection mode. He had just changed all the locks on the house days earlier when Brett's whereabouts were unknown. He was angry too, the things Brett had been driven to do to feed his addiction had wounded us all. 

My husband and I did the best we could for five days while Brett detoxed. We prayed, we kept a constant watch, taking shifts for sleep. I prayed like I have never prayed before. I shared bible verses with him, told him I loved him. All to no avail. He eventually walked out of our home back to a life with drugs.

I was left with a constant companion...... Fear!

Will I ever see him again? Will he overdose? Will he be shot and killed in a drug deal? Will he just disappear? He had spoke of going to New York city to live among the homeless.  Every heartbreaking story of the destruction of life by drugs I had ever heard came rushing back to me. Heroin is straight from the pits of hell and it had a death grip on my boy. Every vile, evil twisted act associated with drug life dominated my thoughts.

Until.....

God rescued me. The book study preceding this one was Self Talk, Soul Talk. That book focused on our thought lives. 

Timely indeed

As I walked this road God used that book along with the encouragement and insights of the other women in the study to teach me how to navigate this new territory. This new battlefield.

The next book was this one "an untroubled heart" by Micca Campbell. Twelve chapters on learning to reach out and harness the power of God in our lives so that we need not wrestle with fear but live victoriously in the shadow of our Heavenly Father. 

The last two chapters "Practicing His Presence" and "Living with Courage" focus on learning to abide in God's presence. For when we do this fear cannot touch us. 1John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear....

What does it mean to abide? It means to remain or to stay. Paul tells us exactly where we are to stay: "For you died and your life is now hidden with Christ in God" Col. 3:3

Stay with God?  Why didn't I think of that before? One of those "easier said than done" things. Micca points us to Jesus example. Jesus's time with God wasn't something He tacked on to an overcrowded schedule. It was His highest priority, the time when He discovered god's priorities for His life.

I have been blessed with something precious, time! I don't work outside the home. My kids are old enough that I don't have to attend to physical needs like I used to. While my housework can pile up it is something that can wait. I know that God worked my circumstances for such a time as this, as He alone knows my needs. I have been able to spend time with Him every day without distraction. I have learned to abide, to live in His strength. Fear is no longer my constant companion as it was just a few months ago. 

In the last chapter Living with Courage, Micca references The Wizard of Oz. Dorothy's three friends were on a journey seeking love, wisdom, and courage. They didn't realize that they possessed these qualities all along. The wizard merely opened their eyes to what they each already had. 

"Like the characters in The Wizard of Oz as we travel along we will also encounter scary witches and flying monkeys in various forms that will take real knowledge, heart, and courage to face."

For me the witches and flying monkeys are embodied in a heroin addiction. I need courage to face the future of helping my son overcome the obstacles that his addiction has put in his way. Incarceration, felony record, debt. I need wisdom to make decisions about treatment, boundaries, and family counseling. Most of all I need love to combat the attacks from the enemy. Resentment, anger, bitterness at all that has been lost.

No yellow brick roads necessary. God is ever present, ever faithful to supply all our needs.

"I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears" 

Psalm 34:4

This is the first verse I ever committed to memory. It is my life verse. As I read this verse referenced in the last chapter I couldn't help but smile, Yes He is faithful. He delivered me from all my fears. He enables me day to day to walk in faith, to love my son and my family and most of all to serve Him fully with an untroubled heart.

Chapter 10: The Love of a Father

the authors words in red

As this book is coming to an end I can't help but reflect on my state of mind when I first began. One thing for sure, it has been a timely one for me. 

I am so grateful for the wisdom between the pages, sprinkled with God's word throughout, this book has been a guide as my Heavenly Father has taught me some serious life lessons.

When we first began this study back in March I was battling fear each and every day, sometimes moment by moment. It had not even been a month since my heroin addicted son had been arrested for attempted robbery.  

Yet, the battle has subsided. 

Not much has changed in my circumstances. My son is still incarcerated. There are still many unknowns to his future.

Early on we discussed how God never intended for us to live in fear. As I continued to walk through the pages of this book and also peek into the lives of others walking with me. I began to grasp hold of the truth of God's word.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self discipline"

With this weapon in hand, along with much encouragement from brothers and sisters in Christ. I have been able to fight the good fight and emerge victorious from the raging battle I found myself in just a few short months ago.

In this chapter we focus on God the Father. How touching to read of the moment Mitch was able to accept unconditional love from Pat. 

"Later, as I reflected on the incident, I realized that Pat mirrored the character of our heavenly Father when he vowed to always love Mitch and never let him go."

Yes, our heavenly Father is the perfect example for us as we love our children. As Paul and I have raised our children we have tried to point them to God by taking them to church, teaching them day by day. Trying our best to be witnesses for Christ. 

In spite of all we have done, the eldest of the four walked away from the lessons of his youth. In doing so he walked right into the arms of evil. Drugs took over his life. He was twisted into something unrecognizable to those of us who have known and loved him. As I helplessly watched this transformation take place over the course of four and a half years, many times I would say things like "who are you?" or "this is NOT who you are" I remember distinctly one time after a four day drug binge he had come home to retrieve some clothing. I looked him right in the eye and said "I don't know who you are anymore".  He had no answers for me, he just shrugged and left. 

Micca writes "sometimes because of things that happened in our past, we think the Lord could never love us."

This is what happened to Brett. Not only did he think that God could never love him, he also thought that we could no longer love him.

Sometimes I wonder how I would have dealt with this trial outside of the love of God. As I have walked this road I have been exposed to many different opinions on how to handle addiction. "Tough Love" is a phrase that is thrown around a lot. Often I cringe when I hear certain versions of this "tough love". Basically it is not love at all, it is self preservation. It is abandonment. 

God's love transforms. 

"The goal of God's love is not to approve of our sin. It is to transform our lives through faith in His Son" While we must suffer the cost of our actions, God is not out to condemn us. He's out to set us free from the chains of sin that bind us. Therefore we have nothing to fear."

I am so very thankful that I have not had to endure this trial with my son outside of the love of God. He is my perfect example. He has loved me with an everlasting love.  As He loves me in perfect holiness, He enables me to love my son the same. 

Chapter 9: The Right Kind of Fear

As usual the authors words are in red

In this chapter Micca talks about good fear. Up until now we have been discussing unhealthy fears.

 "To have godly fear means to revere and hold God in awe, not offending Him with sin..... Reverential fear is a noble and healthy fear of God's greatness and holiness"

This kind of fear is good. It keeps us on the path God intends. When Micca writes "What would our world look like if spouses respected one another, children honored their parents, citizens obeyed the laws and authorities, and all people revered the Lord?" Our world would indeed look more like what God intended. 

I have seen glimpses of this in my life. As my husband and I seek God as we raise our family there are times where God's grace and love abound. Within our church family we see glimpses as well. Wherever there are believers who are living lives surrendered to God there will be the blessings that come with obedience. Security, unconditional love, peace and harmony.

Whether people believe in God or not He is real. He is the one who created the universe and set all the laws in motion. Physical laws and spiritual laws. Those who fear God and obey his laws are always blessed. Those who may not know Him and fear Him but obey His laws will be blessed as well, just not to the degree that a true relationship brings. Whether you believe in gravity or not you are subject to it.

Likewise whether you believe in God's principals or not you will "reap what you sow", you are subject to the spiritual laws of the universe just like the physical laws.

 If they have obeyed many of the spiritual laws God has set in place. Treat others the way you want to be treated, Be kind, compassionate, give to the poor and needy etc... A life lived following these laws will most undoubtedly be blessed. 

Perhaps this is why some nonbelievers can so easily dismiss the possibility of an omnipotent God. Often they just don't realize that He is the one responsible for their joy, they don't think they "need" God.

It always amazes me when I hear non believers say things like. "If he is such a good god why does he allow suffering?" or "I don't want to worship a god who lets murderers go to heaven". Usually these statements are made with an air of arrogance or at the least frivolity.

I sometimes want to grab them and give them a shake as I remind them just who they are so casually speaking about.

The one true God of the universe!!

The ONLY response to Him should be on our face reverence for He is Holy! He set the stars in the sky and hung the moon for goodness sake!! We should tremble at His name. 

But.... I have yet to shake one I'm sharing with. So far God has always given me the grace and patience needed. The Holy Spirit gives me the words to share and He continues to work in the hearts of man as He draws them to Himself.

For yes He is Holy but He is also full of mercy and grace.

2 Peter 3:9b 

"......  Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance"

Chapter 8 : Overcoming the Fear of the Unknown

The authors words are in red

In the first section of this chapter as Micca relates her son Mitch's narrow escape from harm in a car accident she speaks of the miracle that he wasn't hurt. God's hand was upon him. Unfortunately that same night a young man from their church killed himself and undoubtedly devastated his mother in doing so. Micca writes " I could have been her"

That short phrase sent me back a couple of months. A short time before I learned that my oldest son was a heroin addict I purchased a book written by Ruth Bell Graham called Prodigals and Those Who Love Them, Words of Encouragement For Those Who Wait. I purchased the book because my son had walked away from his faith and seemed to be floundering in life, I had seen him struggle with drugs but had no idea the extent of his addiction.

 The forward to the book is written by her daughter Gigi who herself is a mom of a prodigal that Ruth writes about. In the forward she tells a story of a woman who had come to hear Ruth speak and afterwards approached her to ask if she thought that she would see her son in heaven. "My son died of an overdose of drugs" she said. Ruth, full of God's grace responded by asking the question "if you heard a timid knock on your door one day, and you answered the knock only to find your child standing there, bruised, wounded, bleeding, dirty and tattered, what would you do? Slam the door in his face? Or would you throw open the door and welcome him into your arms?

Barely a week after I received the book I discovered that my son was a heroin addict and within two weeks of that day he was gone. I remember thinking "I don't want to be that mom"! I also remember hearing a voice in my head say "You ARE that mom".  While that thought did torment me for a time I knew immediately that it was NOT from God. Recognizing that was the first step in overcoming the debilitating effects of fear. Unfortunately, my battle had just begun.

Micca writes "usually our concerns never come to pass anyway". I wish I could say this was true for me. While the fear of losing Brett to an overdose has not come to pass one other fear did. Over the past five years there have been several times that he has left our home for weeks and months at a time. We had minimal to no contact with him during these periods. During those times I used to flinch when I would hear sirens. I watched the evening news with much trepidation. It was as if in the back of my mind somewhere I knew he would be on the news some day.

I recall watching the  latter part of a news story on a Thursday evening about a young man who attempted to hold up a pharmacy. I saw the man being led away in handcuffs. He had a hoodie pulled over his face and his name was not released. I remember clearly thinking that could be Brett. I shuddered at the thought but shrugged it off. The following day I was sitting at my computer around 6:00 pm when a dear friend called.

 "Hey Tina, how are you doing?"

 "I'm fine Pam, how are you?" 

"Oh sweetie, you don't know....... 

My heart began to pound.

 "No,.... what?"

 I don't want to be the one to tell you. 

"Tell me what?"

"The news" she said." There was a drug store....". 

Immediately, the story from the night before came to mind. 

"Oh my God, that was Brett wasn't it"

 "Yes dear, they showed his picture". 

I have to go....

One of my worst fears had come true. 

I praise God for her. I praise Him that he spared me the shock of witnessing the story first hand. There is no other way I would have rather heard the news. She is a loving christian woman full of mercy and grace. My husband was out of town on a business trip not due back until the following day.

Words cannot describe the depth of despair I found myself immersed in. The next few weeks were difficult to say the least. As difficult as they were I can say that alongside of the worst emotional pain I've ever experienced came the feeling of the presence of God in a more powerful way than I have ever experienced.

 Micca quotes Isaiah 43:2-3. Oh how I love this passage! It has been put to music and when I see it posted in our bulletin I know to pull out my tissue for it always evokes such strong feelings of love and adoration I can but scarcely contain myself when I sing it!

 I remember distinctly God bringing me to Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. As I read those words I thought "isn't THAT the truth"!! My days of late have had all kinds of trouble. That being said,  all of my worries had not changed the future I had dreaded. They did rob me of peace many times though. I am determined to not let that happen again. 

If you've read my recent posts you know that God has shown himself in a mighty way. I am not walking in fear anymore. I am walking with God, one day at a time. Choosing to look to the wonderful answers to prayer I have witnessed. Continuing to seek Him for wisdom every day as I read His word. 

Micca writes " Something amazing happens when we faithfully cry out to the Lord, believing in His perfect care. Our faith suddenly becomes stronger than our fear". Yes it does, even when in our grief we cannot see it, we continue to get up each day and seek him until one day we get up and realize the pain has subsided, and what is left is a wonderful peace and joy that comes with knowing the Father.

As for the future. Yes there are many unknowns, some of which may not be easy. One thing I know for sure is that regardless of what the future will bring I am more convinced than ever that there is nothing that will come that can take away the love I have in Christ. I am stronger now than I was four months ago. I have seen the power of God in my life and in the life of my son. I look to the future now with great anticipation rather than fear.  For I know that 

"Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world".

Chapter 7: What's the Worst That Could Happen?

The authors words are in red

In the section entitled Nothing New Under the Sun I was gripped by this line " Despite the presence of evil, people are living everyday life as usual". The reason being this, recently my family has endured several tragic events. In the days following I found myself at times overwhelmed with despair. It was difficult to do much of anything.  I would sit on the sofa wrapped in a blanket unmotivated to do much more than mindlessly channel surf. Incredulous at the reality of how time marches on. People continue with their lives. My world had come crashing down. I just wanted to scream at times. I wanted the whole world to stop. To stop so I could make sense of it all, so I could fix things. Problem is, evil does exist in the world. Sometimes we live for so long without it really touching us that we forget it's there.

 That was me. I recall years ago when a pastor preached about tragedy. He said "Either you are enduring one now, have in the past or will in the future". I have to admit that I really didn't want to hear that.  It bothered me. Micca echos his assertion " Each person in some way has tasted the bitterness of sorrow and tragedy". Although, she points out the truth that "God didn't design disease, exploitation, uncertainty, combat, gloom, misery, or death. These are all results of living in a fallen, broken, sin-sick world".

In spite of the uncertain world we live in it is true that "calamity, sickness, world hunger, debt and death are not the worst things that can happen to a person." Just like Parker, I agree that nothing is worse than not knowing the love of God through Christ. For surely without His love in the world we would live in the midst of pure evil and chaos. 

How else can Corrie ten Boom's strength and faith be explained? If you have never read "the Hiding Place" I highly recommend it. It tells the story of Corrie's life which tragically includes time in a Nazi concentration camp. When I first read the story I was amazed, I remember shuddering to think of her reality. Back then I thought "I could never have endured what she did". True, but I have learned that Corrie did not endure alone. It was through Christ that she was able. 

My heart lifted as I read the scripture reference Micca used Romans 8:35,39 "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril or sword?...nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord"

The reason my heart jumped is that it was that same scripture that God used to show my heroin addicted son that even the evil of heroin cannot, and will not separate him from His love. Brett read that verse in a jail cell. Desperate, broken, seeking God for the first time in years with a truly contrite heart. 

Several weeks earlier Brett had come home seeking our help with his heroin addiction. I recall sharing that verse with Brett after he had said to me "mom, you just don't know the things I have done".  It was as if there was a heavy veil over his heart and he just couldn't see the truth. I believe now that Brett wasn't ready to let go of drugs,  he was ready to let go of the heroin but not the other drugs he had for so long come to depend on. He wasn't looking for God. I was devastated. I continued to pray as I had done for five years. The following day Brett walked out of our home back to a life with drugs.  The days that followed were filled with pain, sorrow, and uncertainty. Yet, I sought the Lord and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4.

Two weeks went by before I found myself on the other side of a glass window in the city jail speaking to my precious Brett through a phone. Unable to hug him, I poured every bit of love I had out to him as I again pointed him to God's word. I encouraged him to go to the cross. I told him to look in the Psalms. I shared with him Romans 8:28 and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose. I continued to pray.

God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Our circumstances change as our lives go on but He is the same. Loving, just, merciful, full of grace. Whether we are on a mountain top praising Him for blessings or in a dark pit crying out for His presence He will always answer us. I have learned that while tragedy is an inevitable part of life there is nothing that will happen that I cannot endure with the help of God and by His strength.

The day was February 9th that Brett was granted a peace that passes all understanding. A peace that led him to tell me "I am happier than I have been in a long, long time" in spite of his circumstances. He shared with me how he read Romans 8:35-39 and realized that God had been with him all along, waiting for him to repent and turn to Him.

 He also told me that he had received great comfort from Psalm 51. I wasn't familiar with that Psalm so when I got home from visiting him that night I looked it up. I wept as I read it because it was clear why God had led him there.

While I don't know the future holds I am less fearful these days. I have been in a pit, I cried out to God and he lifted me. He has strengthened me, I am walking in faith not fear.

an untroubled heart: Chapter Five: Family Matters

The authors words are in red

I apologize that this chapter is so late, it was a hard one for me.

I'll be honest when I first began chapter five it was difficult for me. In the first few sections as Micca speaks about building a strong family I couldn't help but once again visit the "what did I do wrong" pit. A pit that I have had to scrape, scratch, and fight my way out of.

How did my child, the child I prayed over, led to Christ, took to church, loved unconditionally....

This child, how Lord? How did he wander so far away? How did the ugly claws of the enemy get so deeply embedded into this boy?

My daughter came home from college last night. It is always such a fun time when she gets here. There is always so much to share. I revel in listening to her and the younger two boys swap stories of their friends and adventures in each of their respective lives. The love and affection they have for one another is genuine. (That is something I have prayed for, thank you Lord.)

 Somehow the conversation turned to years past when they were small. They spoke of favorite video's, Veggie Tales, the Mcgee and Me series. I laughed as they began singing familiar bible verses learned from a tape that put verses to music for children. Blake was racking his brain to remember the title of a video about some kids that were being chased by a bigfoot. I vaguely remember a christian series about a group of kids who were amateur detectives and I believe the bigfoot was someone in costume. Sadly my memory has failed me much to Blake's chagrin as he couldn't remember it either. I recalled a video we have of our oldest child singing bible songs as a three year old. Deep and Wide, Jesus Loves Me, This Little Light of Mine.......

That child is not here to share.

I loved reading of Micca and Pat putting God's word in the foundation of their house. We know there is such power in God's word what a wonderful way to begin a life in a new home. 

Micca writes " A mom's most precious treasure is her family.....I can't think of anything in this world that I love more or would fight for more than my family.... Yet, we're not alone.

Many influences in this world are also fighting for control of our families."

Yes there are. Unfortunately in my family a terrible influence came while I was unaware and snatched up my oldest child. As I read this chapter I was tempted to get into defensive posture. After all, I did everything right. I prayed, I taught, I took them to sunday school, we prayed as a family, had weekly devotions as a family, learning biblical principals. I have Christmas scrapbooks filled with pictures of the children gathered around the creche during advent as we tried to point them to the true meaning of the season. Each Easter was a joyous time. Easter baskets lovingly filled with wholesome praise music, bible stories and games. Easter services at church followed by fellowship with good christian friends.

Yet, as I look back I can see that I did indeed let my guard down as he grew up, in fear of being too strict, too overbearing I believe I gave too much freedom. It was harder as they grew. The age difference from the oldest to the youngest proved a difficult barrier to group learning. Activities crowded our schedules. There were signs I didn't want to see, nor did my husband. We thought he would grow out of it. Surely it is just a phase. 

Many of my close friends have encouraged me to not blame myself, "you are a good parent", "it was his choice" etc...

"Parents are not called to control their children. Controlling is a faulty method of parenting brought on by fear. You and I are to guard and guide our children by leaning on God as He, in turn guards and guides us in all wisdom."

Yes! It is when we step out of His daily presence that we can so easily fall into our own thinking, or victim of fear based parenting that usually does nothing more than drive them away.

God has been so good to me. Full of mercy and grace. He alone knows the depth of my heart. My desires, my failings. There is no fault, no blame. Only grace, forgiveness. My daily prayers now always include this "Oh Lord, please do not let this suffering be for naught, for Brett or for us".

While I can see the past mistakes more clearly, God has also been faithful to remind me of the foundation that was laid. The foundation that still stands. 

The truth is that Brett as a young man,walked away from the loving God he knew from an early age. But, just like the parable of the lost sheep Jesus went after him and has brought him home. 

I am sad that he is not with me here in my home but I rejoice that he is no longer lost! I know he is resting in the arms of his savior. 

The Pressure's On: Chapter Four

Micca's words are in red

I absolutely loved the section about God's body guards Goodness and Mercy!

I have spent some time in the 23rd Psalm recently. The Psalms are such a wonderful place to go when facing a trial. Whether that trial was brought on by your own sin, or circumstances beyond your control we find much mercy and grace amongst these beautiful verses of praise and lament.

The 23rd Psalm is probably the most famous of the Psalms. It speaks of God's infinite care of us. I loved the visual of Goodness and Mercy as body guards following me. All the days of my life even! Wonderful promise! No matter where I go(dark valley), no matter whoever else may be after me (the enemy) no matter my sin (pride, selfishness, self pity) They (Goodness and Mercy) will be there!

"When you're barely holding on, when you can't handle one more day of stress, when you can't parent those kids another minute, when you're about to blow - relying on God's Goodness and Mercy to show up will pacify your anxieties."

I can attest to that fact because there have been many, many days in my life recently when I have felt like I couldn't make it another day, when I barely had the energy or will to even get out of bed let alone care for my family. On those days time and time again I felt God's goodness. Sometimes in the form of a phone call and loving encouragement from a sister in Christ or a pretty card in the mail from a coworker at my old job. God's mercy came to my son through His word in a jail cell, it lifted him up and in doing so lifted me as well.

In the section about contentment I learned that a lack of contentment does not always have to do with things or possessions. I have all I need physically, a nice home, plenty of food, my health, I could go on and on. Yet emotionally, my family is in crisis. My oldest son is in jail facing a possible prison term. My three other children are bewildered in the wake of his drug addiction and crimes. Two of the three have written him letters and have forgiven him. The third is not speaking of it at all. The enemy has had his way with the oldest and in turn it has affected all of us. We are all scarred by recent events.

I had dreamt that at this time in our lives we would be enjoying an adult relationship with the oldest two. The oldest I assumed, would be graduated from college by now, his sister on her way to graduation. I was looking forward to spending more time with the younger two boys as their siblings were making their way in the world. 

"You're not where you planned or hoped to be, and you certainly don't like it"

No, I don't like it one little bit!

"You don't have to like it, but if you will choose to thank God for His provisions regardless of your feelings toward them, you'll experience the same contentment Paul encountered.

This is true! Unfortunately I can't say it is true for me every day but I can say I am finding contentment more and more.

 Ironically my son who is in jail has found himself very thankful for where he is. After his court hearing last week he shared with me a conversation he had with several of his cell mates. Whenever someone comes back from court the conversation is always filled with speculation about possible sentencing. There have been several who seem to think he will not get any prison time at all. I have encouraged him not to spend too much time dwelling there but to give it up to God that his will would be done. For we know that not one thing is outside of His sovereign control. Brett shared with his cell mates that he is happy that he was caught for he realizes that if not for his arrest he would most certainly be strung out on heroin today. He went on to talk about the truth that he had walked away from God before he ever tried drugs. As awful as his life has been, he has learned to praise God for it because through it he is once again walking with Him.

This truth rolls right into the next section "God Has Gone Ahead of You". What a wonderful testimony of how God impressed upon Micca's father to purchase life insurance. 

Something I have shared before here on my blog bears sharing again now. God went ahead of me by denying our home equity loan. I was so disappointed at the time. I was looking forward to fixing up my dream home. Of course I had no way of knowing what the future held for me. Had we gotten the loan we would not have been able to refinance our mortgage. It was the refinance that has allowed me to quit my job. The money saved along with a timely raise for my husband equalled the amount I made with my part time job. 

 I'm sure if I had to work God would have equipped me to walk that path. That being said, I am so blessed that I have been able to spend this time here at home. The boys are in school and both have athletics afterwards so I have a lot of time during the day to be in bible study and prayer. I am here when they are here, I am able to take them where they need to go. One son has been open to talk about his brother. I am thankful for the opportunities we have had to talk about it. The other is a harder nut to crack, but I am praying for him and I have faith that God will bring healing in His time. 

At first when my sister heard from my mom that I quit my job she was worried that I would fall into a pit and never get out. She thought I needed to stay busy, to keep my mind off of our circumstances. Maybe for some people that may have been the best course of action but for me I needed to be here, to be on my knees, at times on my face before God. 

"God is aware of your needs and ready and willing to provide...."

Micca wraps up this chapter by encouraging us that "Regardless of the road you travel - Lonely Lane, Brokenhearted Boulevard, or Poverty Parkway - Goodness and Mercy will follow after you." Yes friends they will, Even a road littered with the evils of drugs. Goodness and Mercy have followed me on this road. They have held me up at times and shielded me from the snares left by the enemy. I could have easily fallen victim to the snare of judgement and condemnation of my son's girlfriend for she enabled him for a long time. Yet Mercy would not allow me to and God's Goodness has encouraged me to love her and pray for her.

I am hopeful for the future, my son is seeking God daily. I am able to visit him twice a week and we talk on the phone quite often. Knowing that Goodness and Mercy are following us is what enables us to find peace and contentment in this hard place that neither of us want to be.

Fashioned for Faith not Fear: Chapter Three

The authors words are in red

In the section entitled Under God's Sheltering Wing Micca talks about how often instead of giving our fears to God we turn to other methods. "One false method is putting our confidence in self. This method teaches that the answer is within you. Find yourself, love yourself, and help yourself. You have the answer."

This may work just fine for the small troubles in life that just need to be weathered,  but when the big storms come it is of little help. When facing a terminal disease, an unexpected death, or perhaps a debilitating accident many people find themselves unable to "pull themselves up by their bootstraps" to coin a popular phrase.

The truth is that when the big storms of life come they are generally not just brief downpours but long lasting hurricanes that can rage on and on, bringing with them a myriad of troubles. 

I loved the psalm Micca quotes here " It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man." Psalm 118:8 Now good sound counsel from a loving brother or sister in Christ is one thing but too often people are quick to throw out "advice" without really praying over it. 

I have a dear friend who is in the midst of several stormy situations. She loves the Lord with her whole heart and seeks Him regularly in bible study and church. She called me up last week to see if we could have lunch. I jumped at the chance since I have been a bit of a recluse lately (weathering my own storm). As I listened to her share her troubles my heart went out to her because there are no easy answers. I was somewhat aghast at some of the advice she has been given. It seemed clear to me that in one instance the advisors, though I believe they meant well had no idea of what she is really facing. They are a good twenty years younger than her and have yet to face the kind of trial she is in. They even used a scripture totally out of context to back up their opinion. She is weary and though they meant well all they managed to do was to open a door to doubt and fear that she has made a wrong decision. A decision that I fully believe was made out of love and is indeed a right one.

I encouraged her to take refuge in the LORD. Stacy from Soul Restoration had posted a wonderful excerpt from a study Charles Stanley did on the armor of God. I e-mailed it to my dear friend and have been praying for her. I am certain that she will find just what she needs as she takes refuge in the shadow of the Most High. 

Just as Micca writes " Taking cover under God doesn't mean that our financial storm will suddenly dry up and the sun will come out. No sometimes the storms of life can go on and on. Yet God's grace is sufficient." Yes, I am learning that for sure. My storm is still raging, yet I have a peace now that I didn't have a month ago. I still have days when the rain seems to be coming down much harder than others. Yesterday was one of those days. I leaned on my Father, felt his love and woke up to a new day today. 

There is just so much wisdom in this book! I underlined several things in the next section Casting Your Cares. I smiled when I read " We forget that God is painting on a large canvas. He sees the big picture. We only see what's happening to us at the moment. God may allow events to come into our lives - good things and bad things, things that make sense and things that don't. ..... What you and I may think is harmful, God is using for our good - to bring us to completion in godly conduct and character.

I smiled because recently my daughter and I were talking about how since our family's troubles were broadcast on the local evening news and then printed in the paper, many people who know us but aren't close enough to call or talk to us about it must be feeling so badly for us. On the surface it certainly looks awful. Yes it has been difficult, but my daughter and I see a bigger picture. We see that our Brett is no longer strung out on heroin. We see him seeking God every single day. We see our son, and brother who was lost but is now found.

 I received a letter from him yesterday. A letter that made my heart sing. It is the first letter he has written me, since we talk on the phone regularly and I visit him twice a week there hasn't been much unsaid. None the less it was so wonderful to see his handwriting and read what is on his heart. He wrote " so much good has come out of this already, like my renewed walk with God, and our restored relationship." Yes!! God will not let our hardships destroy us. Though they may be tragic, He will use them for our good"

I remember early on as I encouraged Brett to go to the cross, I told him that I had no control. I told him that only God could help him. I also told him that I was determined that God would be glorified in my life regardless of his decisions. As those words came out of my mouth I realized that it was something I could only do by the power of the Holy Spirit. It is something I have been living day by day. I am thankful that Brett did decide to lay it all down at the foot of the cross. He has found forgiveness, mercy and grace. He, like me is living in the shadow of the Most High. The enemy has had a day here and there when he has gotten the better of me and I have given in to fear, thankfully those days are fewer and fewer.

For Brett, God has protected him in a mighty way. He does not live in fear and has even formed some friendships that God is working in. I have begun corresponding with a young marine who is in there with Brett. He is alone in the world, no letters or visits from family. I encouraged him to seek after God and filled my letter with God's word. I am praying that the seeds will grow into a saving faith for him. Reaching out to him in the love of Christ has lifted my soul. 

Micca wraps up the that section by pointing us to Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. What a beautiful picture this paints for us. Life's troubles can surely become too heavy to bear. Jesus is waiting, wanting to carry them for us. If we would only give them over.

Chapter 2 : The Fear Factor

On to the second chapter of an untroubled heart by Micca Campbell. Anything is red is from the book.

I have to say my heart was lifted at hearing Micca's account of Jimmy's journey. He was a believer who although he had faith in God, he battled the fear of death. While it is true that "Worry, fear, and anxiety were never meant to be part of our vocabulary" It is none the less a very real part of our lives here on earth. We all have it and all struggle with it in some fashion. 

Unfortunately during our lives there will come times of crisis, times when the battle with fear will go beyond the normal realm. It may be caused by an illness, loss of a job, or in my case the drug addiction and following incarceration of my son. 

For Jimmy, his battle was brought on by his illness of diabetes. As his body deteriorated the inevitable confrontation with the unknown of death was most undoubtedly facing him every day. Fear gripped him. How gracious is our Heavenly Father to provide for Jimmy a godly wife and a loving believer in Micca to come and speak truth and love to him. "As I shared with Jimmy, peace washed over his face as he received the message for himself" "Fear not, for God is with you" As I said in my last post "the word of God is more than just good advice, it is the very power of God Himself". It is by God's power that those words brought peace and comfort to Jimmy.

Whenever we, in the love of God reach out to share his word with someone we are in effect sharing the power of God. Giving them a bit of Him. Fear does not come from God, it is a very powerful tool of the enemy. One he uses effectively to keep us from our Father. The bible teaches us that our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Ephesians 6:12 

Whether we like it or not we are in a spiritual battle as we walk the earth. But fear not! For our God has given us the tools to fight. If you read on in Ephesians it speaks of the armor of God. Very powerful stuff there! God is ever present and when He sees his children struggling he is faithful to send help. For Jimmy this was in the way of his wife and even Micca. What lifted my heart the most about this story was how Jimmy's wife shared of Jimmy's experience with angels. "Jimmy, are you afraid? No, I'm not afraid, I'm just looking at the angels"

Wow! just as Jimmy was facing the reality of the fear he had battled with God sent his heavenly angels to greet him. I got goose bumps as I read that. Jimmy was a real person just like you and me. Angels are real, I've never seen one (that I know of) but I know they exist. How wonderful and encouraging to know that in his darkest hour angels led the way home.

Because Jimmy saw the angels, I have seen the angels. Friends, let me tell you I need to see the angels! I am engaged in a battle with fear that is beyond anything I have faced in my life. I am a bit weary but I will tell you I am winning! I have my armor on, God is with me, I will continue to persevere. As I share my story here and with those God has brought into my life I pray that as I am able to achieve victory through the power of God some day someone else will hear of my battle and "see the angels".

I also liked the section labeled "Walking on Water"  Micca talks about the eleven disciples who stayed in the boat. She wonders "did they live with regret?" we don't know but we do know that they "did miss an amazing opportunity to walk on water with Christ". I think that prior to this year I have been one like the eleven.  Too often I have let fear keep me from really stepping out for Christ. 

Today I have stepped out of the boat out of sheer necessity. When the storm began raging all about me I had no choice but to go to Christ or wallow in despair. I chose to look for Him.  A couple of times I have stumbled and began to sink but He has reached out and lifted me up. It has been a painful trial but it has indeed been amazing! 

Each day I get up ready to face whatever new challenge there is in store, and let me tell you, having a loved one in jail presents all kinds of challenges you wouldn't even think of. I know myself, and in that I know I would NOT be able to get through my days without leaning firmly on Him. That is what is amazing!

There is so much more in this chapter, I will be re-reading it tonight and I look forward to hearing what everyone else gleaned from it. These were the things that really spoke to and lifted me.

When the Unthinkable Happens

Anything in red is from the book

I am so late with my post!! I am looking forward to hearing how everyone else was impacted by this chapter. It truly is a blessing to see God working in each of your lives, I am blessed to be part of this group.

As I read how she met and fell in love with Porter I was struck with the similarities in my own life. I was very young when I met my husband. (19) I also have memories of long rides on the back of Paul's motorcycle with the wind in my hair, arms firmly locked around his waist, we drove all over the island usually settling by a beautiful beach to talk for hours. We laughed and planned our life together. It was a blessed time.

 Like Micca and Porter, Paul and I didn't have much in the way of money when we first started out.  We were fine with that, we had each other. We played board games, Parchesi, trivial pursuit, oh and the game show "name that tune" was one of our favorites I remember how we would watch it while we prepared dinner.  Just two months shy of our second anniversary God blessed us with a baby boy. We were a family!

As I went back in my mind to those early care free days I shuddered to think of how I would have handled a tragedy such as she was forced to endure. 

She writes "in my minds eye, I  burst through the door to the throne room of grace, shook my fist in the face of God, and boldly questioned, "WHY - why did you do this to me? You could have saved him! You're God! Why did you give me that baby and take his father? Oh God I need to know why?

God is faithful and loves us with an everlasting love. He truly is our Heavenly Father, just as a loving earthly father would have done He rushed to Micca and as she writes  "I didn't see Him with my eyes or touch Him with my hands, but I felt His presence consume me as if God poured Himself over my entire body. God is real and ever present, always waiting for us to turn to Him.

 I always love to hear testimony of how God ministers through his word. Micca shared how a passage from Psalm 139 ministered to her. God's word is more than just good advice and wise stories of righteousness. It is the very power of God Himself! 

Amazing how a book that was written over the course of 1500 years by over thirty different authors about so many many different subjects can today be so relevant, so powerful in the lives of man. 

I have a stack of index cards with bible verses written on them. I wrote them down because there were just so many coming to me as I so desperately needed to hear from God.

 Early this year my dream life, much like Micca's, became a living nightmare. Not through the loss of a loved one but through the drug use and addiction of my oldest son. That precious boy God blessed us with almost 23 years ago. In the course of a little less than a month I learned that he was addicted to heroin, he stole from us and his girlfriend to pay for his habit, he at first wanted help to go to rehab. He detoxed here with us while my husband and I took shifts watching him 24 hours a day for four days. Then he walked out of our home back to his drugs only to be arrested two weeks later trying to hold up a pharmacy with a fake bomb around his neck. The swat team was called and he was arrested. The story of his robbery attempt was broadcast on our local news station complete with his mug shot.

I can imagine that for most moms learning that your child is addicted to heroin probably rates pretty high on the "I could never handle that" chart. Truth be told I can't handle it at all. Like Micca I had my time of shouting Why?? How did this happen?? Why didn't you answer my prayers to break the hold drugs had on his life?? I prayed for years!! 

In my flesh I am so weak. After I wailed and screamed at God I just wanted to run away, sleep, hide and at times just die. This problem is too big for me.

The good news is this problem is not just for me to carry, I am not alone. God has been with me every painful step of the way. He is weaving a story of mercy and grace among the pain and heartache that is amazing to behold. The index cards are His messages to me, he has used so many different people and avenues to send them. 

Friends, blogs of women I have never met, T.V. preachers, and sometimes I just happened to open the bible to a particular page that had a specific verse underlined coincidence?? no. Oh and of course this amazing online book/bible study! His ways are so above our ways.

The timing of this book is also part of his sovereign plan. I see myself walking on the water with Jesus, like Peter I have had my days when I looked at the waves, some are just so big! The water is deep and full of fear, the enemy has been close by. At times I have been overwhelmed with sorrow, guilt and regret at things not done, not seen. Jesus has been faithful to call me to himself, to remind me of His power over the water. So my eyes are on him and I continue to put one foot in front of the other.

 I am praying about starting a separate blog to record all that has happened. Several people have asked me this week if I have been doing that. I have shared bits and pieces here but have yet to tell the whole story. Partly because we are still in the midst of it. As I told a friend this morning we will wait and see what mighty things our mighty God will do. I know He will give me the strength and wisdom to share it when the time is right. For now I am doing my best to be faithful to seek Him in his word each day.

Lift Up : Praise the Lord, O My Soul

The last chapter of Jennifer Rothschild's "Self Talk, Soul Talk" has us shift our focus.

She first has us examine our hearts. I have to say I loved her honesty in the story about the lab tech who asked about Beth Moore. 

She quotes Helen Keller "Many people have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose"

She then prompts us to open the door of our thought closets to look inside. What consumes your thoughts? When you have an idle moment, where do your thoughts wander? When you talk to yourself, what are you usually saying? This is to help us determine what we consider a worthy purpose.  

The large majority of my adult life has been characterized by motherhood. Four children in 8 years. I have joked about the mini mid life crisis I had when I turned 35.

I had the first of my four children when i was 21 and the last when i was 29. All through my twenties my life was consumed with babies and small children. I was either pregnant, just out of pregnancy or thinking about getting pregnant again.  

I awoke one day and said to myself "where did my twenties go?" I promptly went out and got my belly button pierced and eventually got a tattoo. This made me feel much better.

I realize now that the reason I had missed my twenties slipping away is that I was consumed with caring for our children, building our family. A worthy purpose! 

I recall being very happy for the better part of my twenties, (minus an extended cruise my navy husband had to take in which he missed the birth and first three months of our daughters life.) For life then was filled to the brim with children, ministry, and fellowship. God had blessed me with another navy wife who was a christian. We shared our parenting challenges, our hopes and dreams for our children our sorrow over our oft missing husbands. She looked out for me and I looked out for her. 

Oh for that time in my life!

Now as I look into my thought closet I see ....

My son, heroin addict. Jail. An uncertain future. Penitentiary? Along side of that is the collateral damage. My family, my husband, daughter, the boys. 

Certainly he is a worthy purpose. Interceding for him through prayer, encouraging him, visiting him. The problem comes when I focus on the pain all of this brings to me, my sorrow over his mistakes, my fear, worry, etc...

I remember telling Brett once, I can no longer allow your life to dictate MY happiness. 

How do I do that?

I think here in this chapter is the answer. I must get the focus off of myself.

I don't think there will ever be a day that my child's pain will not bring a certain degree of suffering, but I do believe that if my eyes are firmly fixed on the Father there will be a hedge of protection and comfort that will extend through any hardship that may come.

Jennifer quotes Dag Hammarskjold "When we lift up God, we open the door of our inmost being to that warm, steady, beautiful radiance. Lift up the Lord, Honor Hid name, give Him praise, sing in concert with the angels, and a little bit of heaven rubs off on you."

If ever I needed a bit of heaven it is now.

Chapter 10 Press On: March On O My Soul

The title of this chapter is something I have been saying every day for quite awhile now.

Sadly there are many days that I just don't want to get out of bed.  In the section of this chapter titled Turn your feelings into Action Jennifer writes " Steady, small actions will slowly reduce the big feeling that is paralyzing you. All feelings are real, but they aren't all based on reality, and they certainly aren't all productive!" She encourages us to do something, even if it seems small, inconsequential. It may seem silly but it works!

Get up, get dressed, make the bed. Tasks that used to be effortless can become monumental. If you just take it one step at a time pretty soon you will be moving through your day rather than sitting motionless paralyzed by emotion in the bed or on the couch.

I so loved what Jennifer said about affirming your true identity Don't let feelings define you; let who you are define your feelings. Powerful words for an emotional gal like me! I have always had a flair for the dramatic. "Oh Tina don't be so dramatic" My mothers words in purple here!

I cry easily, always have. I cry when I am happy, I cry when I am angry, I cry when I am sad. I think in many ways that quality has served me well. I am usually an even keeled person. 

Emotions do not have time to sit around in my mind and heart, they come and they are processed and laughed, fumed, or often times cried out. This is fine for your every day normal highs and lows. 

Unfortunately my days are far from normal. I am finding it somewhat difficult to manage the emotions that have come with my new kind of normal. So many unknowns, so many what ifs.

 I must remember that I am who I am in Jesus Christ and I am not defined by the many feelings I am assailed with. Those feelings, those emotions are not stable, not reliable. 

He is the same yesterday today and tomorrow and He has promised to never leave me. Now that is something I can hold on to.

So for me I will try my best to Speak Truth to My Soul. 

I loved the quote by Walter Elliott 

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races, one after another."

 This is  good because the thought of a long race is daunting but a short race, I can do that.

Today was a bad day for me, not much singing going on here. Tomorrow is a new day and I will get up, I will get out of bed, and I will press on. Maybe I will even try to sing a bit.

Chill Out: Be at Rest, O my Soul

this is really late, better late than never I always say (spoken by a true procrastinator) 

In chapter nine of Self Talk Soul Talk the author Jennifer Rothschild talks about the importance of rest for ourselves, physically and spiritually.

What wonderful confirmation this chapter has been for me! 

Her words are in red. She writes "when we are physically and emotionally spent and worn, we become susceptible to the enemy's attack. We become easy targets, sitting ducks. Our enemy attacks us with despair, depression, illness, impatience and myriad other maladies. all results of a fatigued soul and body. Speaking rest to our souls is critical."

Boy don't I know it!! For the past seven weeks I have been in the midst of a storm the likes of which I have never seen and honestly hope to never see again. 

I loved the teaching in Genesis that "Each of the six days of creation clearly had a beginning and  an end; evening and morning. But the seventh day, the day God rested, was different. The Bible records no beginning and no end of that day" (Genesis 2:2-3)

In other words, God did not begin to rest, nor did He cease to rest. Ancient rabbinic scholars believed this was because the nature of God is eternal rest.

You see, rest isn't just what God did. Rest is who God is."

WOW! Yes! 

Many people I have spoken to in recent days have made comments to me like "I don't know how you are doing this" or "you are so strong". The truth is I am not doing this, and I am not strong at all (actually if truth be told I am rather wimpy). God is my strength and my rest. 

Several months ago my husband and I applied for a home equity loan hoping to do some home improvement projects. We were denied, our home assessed too low due to the failing real estate market. We were disappointed. At the time I was working part time. Since then several life changing events have taken place that have shook the foundations of our family to the core. I made the decision to not return to work so I could spend more time here with the boys and before God in prayer. We were able to refinance our home mortgage and the money saved through that combined with a timely raise in my husbands salary has equalled the amount my part time job brought in. 

Coincidence? I don't think so. 

God in his sovereignty has made it possible for me to rest, plain and simple. 

He is good!

Look Back: Forget not His Benefits, O My Soul

This chapter was very timely for me. I have spent quite a bit of time looking back recently. Jennifer writes "Remembering is essential to the health of our souls." I thought aha! good for me! 

I loved the analogy of our thought closets being like libraries! Just like a real library I can see my thought closet in sections "the childrens section" Oh how fortunate I am that I had a wonderful blessed childhood. I grew up on an air force base near Fairbanks Alaska. So many wonderful memories. Making snow angels while looking up in wonder at the beautiful Northern Lights. Christmas was always white! Even now as I contemplate this chapter and remember my childhood I am flooded with love and gratitude for this gift from my heavenly Father. My childhood will always be a book to pull from the shelf when I need a healthy dose of happiness.

I would be lying if I did not say that I wished there were only joyful wondrous memories to be found in my thought closet. Alas there are many painful, even agonizing memories to be found alongside the northern lights. " The painful memory is profitable because it adds to my personal peace. It reassures me that I can trust God if another difficulty comes into my life." 

This is a great encouragement that I need to dwell on, since my life recently has been full of painful difficult memories. Even yesterday I found myself reflecting on the terrible days that followed my son's arrest. Instead of focusing on the pain I found myself praising God for carrying me through. ...because in those dark, difficult places, we often become more deeply acquainted with the good and comforting presence of God. Yes we do! I am living proof, I am right in the middle of a dark difficult place and I can truthfully say I have never before felt the presence of God in such a mighty way!

My good friend Liz got me started on journaling years ago, I am so thankful for the wonderful advice to try it because now I have pages and pages of prayers that I have written out over the years to look back on. This helps me in so many ways. It helps me to remember the many answers to prayer. It also helps me for the prayers that have not yet been answered. It causes me to want to persevere as I know God is faithful to hear and answer me. My timeline is not His.

In the last section of this chapter I had to laugh when I read the account of Jennifer's friend Alicia's late husband. I too have "spent five years of emotional energy mourning the death of a man who was stuck in traffic" How silly I felt when he came walking through the door!

I can say that I totally agree with her in that it is never beneficial to dwell on what may happen, even if it is somewhat of a possibility. I used to worry that I would see my son on the evening news. Unfortunately there came a day that indeed he was on our local evening news. God spared me from actually seeing the news story. Did my worry change anything? No, it but it did rob me of peace many, many times.  Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own"

I will forge ahead while from time to time pulling books off the shelves in my thought closet. Books of joy, some of pain, some of peace. Hopefully I will learn from each  the lessons God has  for me. Lessons that will mold me and make me a better servant in His kingdom.

Calm Down: I Have Stilled and Quieted My Soul

God's timing is so perfect. As I looked at the title of this chapter I smiled. I would change the wording just a bit "He has stilled and quieted my soul".

When I am weak He is strong. The peace I have today is of Him, there is no doubt about it. This morning before I began my devotional time I perused my prayer journal entries of the last four weeks.  Pain, bewilderment, confusion, desperation, these are but a few of the  emotions that are spilled out across the pages of my journal. Yet today I have a peace that belies what has been written.

 Philippians 4:7

And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus

Jennifer writes "Experiencing real shalom seems nearly impossible in our chaotic lives" Isn't THAT the truth! Of course it is nearly impossible not totally impossible.

She goes on to tell us that "Before we can really appreciate the source of peace, we need to acknowledge why we have angry, smoldering embers in our thought closets to begin with. We must identify  the source of our anger"

Once again I find myself a bit ad odds with this study. As I look into my thought closet I don't see anger. What I do see is fear and doubt. This terrible duo can be just as destructive as anger so I found that as I continued in this chapter the truth of God is just as effective against them as anger.

It was not hard at all to identify the source of my fear and doubt. His name is Brett, I love him with all that I am. He is the oldest of my four children. He is in jail. I have absolutely NO control over him or the outcome of his trial. 

What I DO have control over is: 

my own attitude

my responses to circumstances

my choice to seek God

my determination to be still before God

my choice to acknowledge that He is God and we are not!

In my book I circled something on page 105 and I wrote next to it Lindly.

The text is a bible verse "Be still and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10)

At a moment of utter weakness and despair my precious daughter sent me a link to a youtube video of Steven Curtis Chapman's song of the same name. I felt as if Jesus himself had come down from the throne room of heaven to give me that message. I took it in and spoke it to my thought closet. The result was peace and sleep that evening. Both of those things had been eluding me up until then.

Of the three Washouts on the Path to Peace that Jennifer mentions I will say that the most difficult for  me has been  A Negative Mind -Set

She writes "Some things in life are simply hard. We don't like them, we don't want them, but we have to deal with them anyway." So true! We can deal with them in our own power and be scorched with the flames of anger or beat down by despair or we can seek God and speak His words of peace into our thought closets which will enable us to overcome even the hardest things in life!