Forever Tinker

Refinement

2011-04-04T20:59:00.000-04:00

Days ago I had an inkling ... a slightly uncomfortable inkling.

that I would be put on a spot ...

now, I knew this particular spot would be necessary and beneficial but alas, I did not relish the idea of it one little bit!

Months ago I accepted the call to leadership within a bible study I attend. Conditional to leading is attending Monday morning leaders meeting. This is when all the group leaders gather together for a time of training and refinement. I have come to look forward to these mornings as they are always filled with praise, prayer, and pointed discussion.

Every little thing is purposeful. All of it geared towards helping us to be better listeners, loving shepherds and effective communicators of God's word. Each week I am in awe as I have the privilege to sit among so many godly women and glean from their wisdom. Some are fairly new and some have been leading for years. One thing is certain, God has brought a wonderful array of personalities together within this group and I am blessed to be among them.

Remember how I said we meet for training and refinement? Merriam - Webster defines refine as follows;

"to improve or perfect by pruning or polishing" also, "to become pure or perfected"

Part of the refining process in our meetings requires one of us to lead the group in discussion of our lesson in the same way that we train to lead our individual groups each week. Our group leader will normally call upon one of us to lead the group for the first few questions. Before the discussion is handed back to her there is a time of encouragement and also refinement as the group members offer their praise for that which was done well and critiques for the areas in need of improvement.

I have gained valuable insight from these teaching times. I knew that eventually I would be called upon to do the same. Somehow I had convinced myself that it probably wouldn't happen until next year. I am after all, the group "rookie". Certainly our wonderful leader wouldn't put ME on the spot!

At some point after last weeks meeting I began to have an inkling that I might be the one she would call upon at the next meeting. As soon as the thought came I met it with a loud whiney "I don't wanna!!"

I decided that I would either A: ask if I could have a "pass" or B: approach my group leader beforehand and plead with her not to call on me. The funny thing is that I normally sit right next to her in group. Wouldn't you know it, today a friend asked me to sit next to her and then I became engrossed in a conversation with another friend to the point that I ran out of time for option B.

Just when I had comforted myself thinking of how relieved I would be when she called on someone else I heard her call my name "Tina would you lead us this morning?"

The first thought that came to mind was something akin to GAAAA!! Option A didn't really seem viable, and having chatted option B away beforehand I was left with just gutting it out.

I wish I could say I flew through leading the group effortlessly but I didn't. I was like a deer caught in headlights! Thankfully that is not how I feel when I lead my group each week, I usually enjoy it very much. The ladies I have are full of grace and are eager to share each week. It is much easier to lead when one is relaxed and not "on the spot".

Well, I managed to get through it. I even received wonderful compliments on several things I happened to do well. We all had a good laugh as I shared afterwards how the pointers whispered to me by the sweet gals to my left and right had the opposite effect and ended up causing me to be just a tad more bewildered. All in all it was a nerve wracking time but also a precious time as well for I felt such love and encouragement from each and every woman in the group.

I could not help but think of the contrast between the family of God and the world. In the world similar situations all too often becomes times of harsh criticism and self promotion. The sinful nature of man pushes us to advocate self at the expense of others. Today arrogance and pride are looked upon as strength and confidence while sensitivity is frowned upon in most if not all professional circles. I do believe I would be eaten up in today's corporate world.

Refinement is a process, one that can be awkward at times, painful at others but one that is oh so necessary as we seek to become better servants to our King. What a blessing this morning was to me! This awkward, scary process was so much easier because I was enveloped in the love of God through my sisters in Christ.

Wired

2011-03-29T21:56:00.000-04:00

So I didn't win the scholarship to "She Speaks" {tiny sigh}

It's all good though because I know that My big and wonderful Heavenly Father is in control of all things

Things big and small , things heavy and light .......

Whether I go this year or the next or even at all rests with Him.

I have a desire to go, to begin to learn how to tell this amazing story of His faithfulness, power, and grace as it has played out in my life over the last seven years. To tell it in such a way to point people to Him. As I have prayed I've realized that it is more than just this one story.

There is a popular story told to illustrate spiritual gifts.

A group of people are assembled in the fellowship hall of a local church preparing for a celebration. A woman comes in carrying a large cake. As she enters the room she stumbles and falls, the cake tumbles down with her.

Immediately a man rushes to her side "are you ok? Here, let me help you up"

Another pipes up and begins organizing and directing others. "Mary, get the first aid kit." "Bob, could you go and get a mop?" "Nancy, please see if we can get another cake."

A woman cannot help herself but to say "Oh my if you had been looking where you were going this wouldn't have happened"

A fourth man begins to regale the woman with a tale of a time when he found himself in a similar embarrassing situation

The first time I heard this story I realized "that's me!"

The woman who stumbled and fell ha ha ............ No

It struck me that I would be the one with the overwhelming urge to comfort and encourage the one who was on her face. Possibly in pain, most likely embarrassed.

The first guy probably has the gift of service or helps .... first on the scene to get to work

The second guy obviously a leader begins to delegate

Third gal, most likely a prophet, regardless of feelings is compelled to point out the truth of the situation.

Then there is the fourth guy, or me! The one who wants to comfort and encourage.

Scripture tells me it is how God has wired me ...

Romans 12:6
"We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully."

Recently a leadership role in a ladies bible study was offered to me and I accepted. I have received some very valuable training and encouragement from a host of godly women. I am blessed to be part of such a wonderful ministry. I know that it is part of God's sovereign hand in my life, leading, guiding, preparing me for future ministry.

So, for now I will continue on the path He has set before me, and I will try my best to encourage whomever He brings my way.

She Speaks

2011-03-12T00:02:00.001-05:00

I've been praying off and on for awhile about possibly attending the She Speaks christian women's conference this summer in Concord North Carolina. Yesterday I visited a blog that has been a huge source of encouragement for me, WRITE FROM THE HEART . Lelia, (the blog author) posted a blog about winning a scholarship to this year's conference. Since the deadline is today I thought it quite providential that I happened to visit just in time. So here's my entry .....

I first began my blog back in 2007 as a way of reconnecting with parts of myself that had for years been set aside as I was busy with the duties of motherhood. I had always enjoyed creative writing when I was a girl, and with a bit of encouragement from a dear friend I ventured in.

... if you look at my archives you'll see that I didn't exactly start off running. In 2007 I had a grand total of 12 posts and 2008 only 7.

The dear friend who had encouraged me to start the blog was the one who had found Lelia's blog. She had participated in a Yes to God Tuesdays study and told me how much she enjoyed it so I decided to jump in. It was just a week after beginning the study that everything changed.

This blog along with the Tuesdays study turned into a lifeline. in 2009 I made 56 posts. The reason for most, if not all of the posts that year is that in January I discovered that my oldest son was a heroin addict. This discovery rocked me to my very core. It began a three week roller coaster of gut wrenching tough love which included a home detox, much prayer, and sadly a trip to the police department to file charges in hopes of forcing him into rehab. That trip was made by my husband the day my son walked away from our loving home and offers of help. We were as powerless over the drugs as he. He later told me how utterly defeated he was, resigned to a life as an addict. It was all he thought he would ever be. I was too distraught and could not stop crying so my husband went to the precinct without me. Two weeks later I found myself speaking to my son in the visiting room of our local jail. Separated by glass with only fifteen minutes to talk. I begged him to go to the cross. I had done all I could do.

But that wasn't exactly true. I continued to pray. I prayed as I had been for five years already. "Lord, please break the hold drugs has on Brett ... Lord please turn him back to you .... Lord, bring strong christian fellowship into his life ....."

I prayed, I blogged and God worked. Oh our God is so big so mighty!!! His fingerprints are all over this story. Just three days after he was arrested our Mighty God smashed the grip that drugs held on Brett. I will never forget that phone call. "Momma, I'm good" He shared his testimony with me. One that I hope some day God will use along with mine. He also told me about a dream that he had where he and I were speaking to a large group of people telling them our story. I remember telling him then that I hoped the dream would come true some day. Back then we didn't know what we were facing. It ended up being 18 months of incarceration that included several transfers two local jails and two penitentiary's.

What the enemy meant for evil God has turned around for good. This story has God's fingerprints all over it. I hope to offer encouragement to other families who have found themselves trapped in the grips of drug addiction. The She Speaks scholarship would be a step in the journey to tell this wonderful story of love, mercy and endless grace.

Multitude Monday

2010-08-23T12:14:00.000-04:00

61. A week of getting reacquainted
62. Worship at church with Brett by my side ... my favorite hymn Isaiah 43 .... always makes me cry, this time tears of joy!
63. Answered prayer, within three days home a job offer and an interview!!
64. A trip to the zoo .... seriously, how can anyone think that our beautiful earth and all of the wonders of creation came to be just by chance??
65. hummingbirds found my feeder!
66. steak dinner with Brett ... gift from grandpa and grandma
67. healthy legs, heart and lungs that carry me as I try to turn myself into a runner
68. My found boy coming along on my run .... so many times I walked alone praying for him the whole way
69. Paul, the one other person who can fully appreciate and share my joy!!
70. skype .... Blake is so far away yet we can speak face to face!

Multitude Monday

2010-08-10T16:00:00.000-04:00

Only a day late this time ....

I have spent much time on this blog writing about my oldest child, my lost boy, (now found) that I haven't written about my other children much

51. Lindly, my only daughter who is as unique and lovely as her name, given to her by her dad, who was away on a ship at the time of her birth. She is my ally in this sea of testosterone I live in.

52. Blake, who will be running with the Buffaloes soon (as in the University of Colorado Buffaloes) My heart is already aching at the thought of his absence ... he brings such joy into our home with his wonderful humor ... he makes us all laugh

53. Joel, my youngest. He has touched my heart by the way he so quickly forgave his older brother. When I felt the whole world was against my lost boy ... he was one who stood with me.

54. Paul and his unending patience with me.

55. Listening Prayer .. a wonderful book about learning to hear God's voice ...

56. air conditioning .... it's HOT outside

57. chemo therapy and radiation ... killing cancer cells in my dear dad's body

58. my mom and her undying devotion to dad

59. time

60. a phone call from a friend ... rejoicing with me as I count down the days until Brett comes home.

Multitude Monday

2010-08-05T08:17:00.003-04:00

Ohh maybe someday I will find the consistency I have been looking for, maybe next week it will turn up. I have been looking for quite some time. I suspect it is around here somewhere, not lost, just misplaced.
I digress ... even though it's been awhile since I put gratitude to screen. I continue with my list of a thousand blessings (even though a thousand is but a mere sampling of multitudes I've been blessed with)

41. Paul .... can I ever have a list that would not include him?
42. Flipping the calendar to August to finally see the day my prodigal son will once again grace our table.
43. Gray cat purring in my lap .... a seemingly small blessing that brings an abundance of peace and rest for my soul each day.
44. technology that connects me to a dear friend thousands of miles away ... i miss her, even years later
45. unexpected concert tickets on a balmy Friday night ... good time with blessing number 41
46. hope
47. good neighbors
48. a hot summer to follow up such a bitter cold winter
49. a child who has the gift of humor .... who always makes me laugh, even when he isn't trying to be funny
50. legacy .... mom and dad and 49 years of marriage

Arrows

2010-07-24T00:44:00.002-04:00

I was clipped by an arrow yesterday.

"In addition to all this take up your shield of faith with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one"

Evidently I had set my shield aside while I caught up on some blogs I like to visit.

No worries, just a flesh wound.

The blog I visited is that of an up and coming writer. He is truly talented. He has a book coming out some time this year. I plan to purchase it straight away.
Yesterday he posted a poignant story about an old friend named Joey, a friend who happened to be a drug addict. The story was about starting over.
I was enjoying the story until the end.
In the end the addiction wins ....
I'm left wondering... is this a true story? did the writer really have a friend from childhood turned drug addict?

Its hard to tell with good story tellers.
I think that some of them are masters at taking their day to day lives and spinning them into wonderful tales.

or perhaps

they are good at taking the truth and embellishing it just a tad sometimes ... or maybe a lot like James Frey did with A Million Little Pieces

Either way for this particular story I'm left wondering ....
and hurting

Wondering why we like to hear sad stories like this. There was a time when a story like this would have moved ... but not wounded me.

But today these words .... "they found him in his apartment" "The needle was still in his arm" pierced me like an arrow.

As the arrow struck I heard a whisper ..... ' the drugs will win, they always do"

I reached for my shield of faith. So strong, so sure.

Alas the damage has been done. I am hurting.

Hurting for all the Joey's who believed the lie.
For their mothers, mothers who suffer along side watching helplessly as the lie becomes truth.

No, our story will not end this way. For every Joey out there I believe there is someone who fought the battle and won.

Those stories just don't have the same effect in the end ... hardly ever a gasp, a skipped breath.

But for me, those are the stories I long to hear today, I need to hear.

Someday ... I will tell my story.

Altered Plans

2010-07-15T13:48:00.000-04:00

Years ago, a much younger, childish self thought she was in love. Dreams were dreamt, plans were made. I saw a future with a young man.
and then, something happened ... his path was altered .... turned away from mine.
Our plans were frustrated. There would be no future for us. Once again I was walking alone.

not really

It was not long before I met the man who would become my husband.

When I think of the man I lost I remember him with warm affection. He was kind. I hope his path has led him to Christ.
I thought I loved him ..... but have since come to realize that love is not the fickle, self serving emotion I embraced back then.

No, love is so much more

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

I have been married for twenty six years now. I know what love is. God's word tells me .....
I see it every day in the eyes of the man I married

I am so very blessed and thankful for altered plans

Boats, Helicopters and Faith

2010-06-25T13:54:00.000-04:00

A man trapped in his home as flood waters rise.

A rescue boat comes by as he is climbing onto the roof of his house.

"don't waste your time on me" he says "the Lord will save me"

He spends time in prayer asking the Lord to save him.

After awhile another boat comes, by now all that is above the water is his roof.

"Oh no, save someone else" "my faith is strong" "the Lord will save me"

More time in prayer ....

soon he is treading water

a helicopter hovering above him drops a life preserver

"no, no, my faith will not waver " "the Lord will save me"

sadly, the man drowns ....

when he gets to heaven he falls before the Lord

"Oh Lord, I had such faith! Why did you not save me from the flood waters??"

The Lord looks at him with eyes full of love, smiles and says

My child, I sent two boats and a helicopter ......

This is one of my all time favorite jokes. I love it because it is clean and it is also such a good illustration at how often we do not see how our heavenly Father is caring for us. We have our own ideas of what his help will be, how it will look, and when it will come.

A week ago my son, who has been incarcerated at a local regional jail for the last fifteen months was transferred. With less than two months left to serve he has been sent to a processing facility to determine which penitentiary he should go to. Most likely he will remain there for the duration of his sentence since the process usually takes longer than the total time he has left.

Once again I find myself assaulted by worries. The enemy whispers lies.

Today as I was walking and praying I asked God why he has allowed the enemy to attack me once again. I thought I had won this battle months ago yet here I am again being tossed about by worry and fear.

This joke came to mind and when I returned home from my walk I spent time in His word.

Two boats and a helicopter ......

I found a boat today in Proverbs

I need to keep my eyes open for the next one .....

Multitude Monday

2010-05-17T11:41:00.000-04:00

Seems like somewhere along the way I missed some blessings. My dear husband pointed out to me that I had jumped from 30 to 41 ..... after some investigation i discovered that he was indeed correct. So, here are the missing 10. Although, today as I contemplate my blessings and endeavor to list some here I am struck by the simple truth that if I were to list every single one I would be here for days on end.

31. my dad ...... I love him so much and have recently been reminded of this while waiting for him to come out of surgery.

32. My sister, my brother and my mom. An abundance of happy childhood memories as the littlest Tinker.

33. Plane ticket that will take me home to mom and dad.

34. A supportive husband.

35. long phone conversations with my daughter, who is now one of my best friends.

36. a purring contented cat, lounging in my lap .... I don't know how or why this brings me so much peace, it just does =)

37. Bible study fellowship, this study has challenged me, strengthened me, and held me accountable.

38. A daily schedule that was once busy and demanding but now is slow, quiet, ... a time for seeking and resting.

39. a rainy day

40. grace, of which I am always in need

One Thousand Gifts

2010-04-12T15:13:00.001-04:00

51. an afternoon walking through glorious gardens with Paul

52. Kittens to play with

53. The beauty of spring right in my own backyard

54. a walk with Jack

55. good neighbors

56. ice cream

57. a healthy body that can run off calories accumulated by # 56. =)

58. a week forecast of mild temps and sunny days

59. large capacity washing machine

60. a grateful teenager

One Thousand Gifts

2010-04-05T09:07:00.000-04:00

40. 25 almost 26 years with a man who loves me, cherishes me, protects me and always gives me a soft place to fall

41. A conversation with the youngest about creation, science, and faith

42. A friend not seen for a long time dropping by to say hello

43. A daughter, grown who has become a best friend

44. Hugs from one who is normally too reserved

45. A conversation with the prodigal about future worship, a realization that even though he is not in my arms yet he is really home

46. waking up to birds in the trees of my backyard

47. quiet mornings to sit at the feet of the Savior

48. coffee waiting ... left for me by my dearest

49. warm days here at last!!

50. a week of boys home from school

Oh Peter

2010-03-30T14:14:00.000-04:00

Peter

How I see myself in him. Last year at this time I was much like Peter when he saw the Lord walking on the water. The storm was all around him and while the other disciples stayed in the boat it was Peter who asked the Lord if he could come. Jesus answered him with "come".

I wonder how many steps Peter took before the wind and the storm got the better of him. I'd like to think that if it would have been me in that boat, that I would have walked boldly into the arms of Jesus. My life so far tells me different. Many times I have run to Jesus and found comfort and peace in His word. Only to see it slip away as I look at the circumstances in my life. Just like Peter, walking in faith until he saw the waves and felt the power of the wind. Yes, I've learned from Peter. He began to sink and while fear had a grip on him he called out to Jesus "Lord save me!" I've done the same and each time felt the arms of my savior lift me up.

I laughed to myself as I thought what if I was Peter and he a modern day man reading about me and learning from me. I can certainly see myself saying "no Jesus, you will never wash my feet" then upon hearing the words of Jesus "If I do not wash you, you have no share with me". Then Peter "Lord, not my feet only but also my hands and head!" All or nothing! I hear the words of my sweet mother "Tina, you are so dramatic!" Something I heard more than a few times in my youth.

Who can overlook his passion as he drew his sword and sliced the ear off of the high priest's servant. There were many soldiers present, perhaps hundreds. Peter was prepared to fight. His courage was misplaced. It was not what his Lord needed from him at the time. Had Jesus not rebuked him, he most certainly would have been killed.

All of Peter's good intentions outlined in scripture are usually overshadowed by the denial of his Lord and savior. Three times, as Jesus foretold " "Will you lay down your life for me? Truly, truly I say to you, the rooster will not crow till you have denied me three times".

Once again Peter allowed fear to get a grip on him as he looked to his circumstances. Jesus had been arrested, led away and was in the midst of the pharisees suffering false accusations, humiliation and beatings. John 18:15,16 Simon Peter followed Jesus, and so did another disciple. Since that disciple was known to the high priest, he entered with Jesus into the court of the high priest, but Peter stood outside at the door. He followed Jesus, but at a safe distance.

It was here that he first denies Jesus. He was so gripped in fear that even a lowly servant girl caused him to deny the Lord. The passion that had fueled his courage in brandishing a sword in the face of roman soldiers had disappeared. Now he was consumed with self preservation and fear.

the third denial

Luke 22:60-62
But Peter said, "Man, I do not know what you are talking about". And immediately while he was still speaking the rooster crow. And the Lord turned and looked at Peter. And Peter remembered the saying of the Lord, how he had said to him "Before the rooster crows today, you will deny me three times" And he went out and wept bitterly.

No matter how many times I read these passages I still feel such a heaviness in my heart for Peter. Too many times I have let my emotions run amok while cowering against the waves. I have made decisions based on my feelings in the moment rather than look to Jesus for direction and strength. I can only imagine the heartache Peter felt as he looked into the eyes of his friend, his Savior and Lord knowing he had failed him.

Peter's bitter tears paved the way of repentance and restoration. Peter continued to follow after Jesus. After the resurrection Jesus appeared to the disciples, in the book of John there is an account of Peter "throwing himself into the sea" to go after Jesus. Yes, once again I can see myself here!

Peter went on to lead many people, thousands to the Lord. He lived by the power of the Holy Spirit. This is the Peter I want to be like. It is good to know he continued and that God helped him to harness all that fervor and passion for good.

Multitude Monday

2010-03-29T13:06:00.001-04:00

21. The saints who take time to diligently study and prepare bible study materials that help me learn more about my Heavenly Father and His kingdom.

22. An earthly family to share life's burdens with.

23. An earthly father who loves me, whom I love with my whole heart

23. A mother who taught me how to be a good wife and mother, who is full of patience, love and grace.

24. my dear husband who works hard to provide for our family

25. The testimony of Peter, I see myself in him sometimes

26. SPRING!

27. running into old friends who care and do not judge

28. financial provision for higher education

29. health

30. abundance!

Multitude Monday

2010-03-22T09:36:00.001-04:00

11. A deck on which I can enjoy the warmth of spring and birds to the feeder and bath

12. The Holy Spirit within me who stopped me from sharing an angry word

13. A sister to share with, to laugh with ... I love you Maggie

14. Two kittens, a cat and a rebellious little dog to share life with

15. Bible study leaders that take the time to prepare and lead

16. the finances to provide needed medical care for those mentioned in #4

17. Oreo cookies

18. sleeping until I am fully rested

19. a young man who waits with a contrite and hopeful heart

20. grace

My First Multitude Monday list

2010-03-08T10:01:00.000-05:00

1. My salvation in Christ Jesus

2. the ease at which I can move about, health and wellness

3. a helpmate who loves me, cares for me and makes me laugh

4. children whom I love dearly

5. comfort ... I have all I need and so much more

6. the word of God and the freedom to pursue it openly

7. a beautiful day full of sun ... it's been a bitter winter

8. quiet time to seek Him and reflect on what He has done

9. friends who have come alongside when i needed them most

10. a new community of brothers and sisters in Christ

time to regroup

2010-02-18T11:44:00.000-05:00

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately.
A year ago my world came crashing down around me through the drug addiction and subsequent arrest and incarceration of my oldest child.
I have written a great deal about it.
Mostly it has been scattered thoughts, some poetry here and there but overall it has been rather disjointed.

Brett and I pray that some day God will help us tell our story. It is one that is full of pain but also grace, mercy, redemption, and love. Right in the middle of it all is Jesus. I have started another blog in which to begin telling my side of it all. You can find it here .

I am hoping to continue to write about other things here as that was my original intent. This past year has been difficult and I have spent much of it alone, in prayer, in tears, and also sleeping! It has been a time of rest, of strengthening, of seeking. I have cast off my mourning clothes. It is time to live, to hope, to dream again.

untitled

2010-02-17T16:24:00.000-05:00

This came in the mail today, written by Brett ... I am so happy he is writing again. Now with a clear mind. I have various notebooks, journals, and scrap notes of his that I have collected over the years as he was in and out of our home. Sometimes they are hard to read. The influence of drugs painfully evident, yet as I pour over them I see flashes of brilliance, little bits of the boy I knew and glimpses of the man I knew he could be. He told me it is a rough draft and he wants to work on it some more but I wanted to post it anyway and he said that would be fine so here it is ....

make way I say!

make way I scream!

it's the march of the damned

it's the dead souls parade!

the onlookers now,

they don't seem quite so brave

as the troupe marches on

trailing footprints in flames

pray that I'm not lost

rubber necked with wide eyed wonder

I'm resistant to the cross

knowing well my soul's to sunder

the crowd looking on

thinning quick

friends are gone

I'm fading sick

my eyes search the black robed mass

for and end, a heel to death's repast

but

I know, I feel

as hope fades fast

no end in sight

hope dies at last

pray that I'm not lost

rubber necked with wide eyed wonder

broken before the cross

knowing well my soul's to sunder

my feet shuffle forward

I'm pulled into the throng

inside, outside I'm screaming

this life turned out all wrong

but now I see I'm lifting

as I leave the ground behind

towards death the mass keeps drifting

but tears of joy have left me blind

knowing I'm not lost

angelic applause roars like thunder

I'll kneel before the cross

eternally filled with wide eyed wonder

Trusting

2010-01-23T20:14:00.000-05:00

My dear friend Heather was listening to K-LOVE radio and described a challenge they were talking about.

The challenge was to come up with one word that you would want to describe your life for this coming year.

Her word is faithful.

you can read about it here

At the end of her post she asks "what is your word?"

That one was an easy one for me

Trusting

As I look ahead I see so much to come
My children are spreading their wings

one will go off to college in the fall

the youngest will have a drivers license

My daughter will be graduating from college, applying to medical school and possibly joining the military

Our prodigal son will be returning home from jail to begin the process of learning to live sober, drug free

As I look behind me I remember the great pain that came with last year ....

Oh these children of mine

they walk around each day carrying with them pieces of my heart

Do they know?

Do they see how tender, how fragile my mother heart is?

How it aches with each disappointment they face
each time they stumble and fall
I am there
falling, hurting
right along with them

As I write these words I think of Jesus
"he wept"
tears of grief
of anger, indignation
at the consequence, the destruction that sin brings
for those He loves
Mary, Martha, Lazarus ....

you
me

I carry Him with me every day
for each triumph
He smiles with me
for each heartache
He weeps with me

He holds my mother heart in His hands

and there I trust ....

That Day

2010-01-21T16:39:00.000-05:00

January 14, 2009 will be a day forever etched in my memory. It was the day I learned that my oldest child was ....

a heroin addict

"he's been doing heroin" words spoken by his then girlfriend.

heroin ...

for a moment I couldn't breathe
I hung up the phone
I was alone

the house was silent except for the deafening scream that came from the depths of my soul
I didn't scream audibly
it was much louder than that

For weeks I had had my suspicions that something was not right. He had a history of drug use. Marijuana mainly, sometimes hallucinogenic drugs

So many signs

signs I didn't want to see

What mother wants to see that her son is a drug addict?

I had forgotten my prayers...

"Lord God, please reveal the truth"

Weeks earlier some money had gone missing , there was a confrontation, denial ... no proof only suspicions.

For years my prayers had been the same.

Dear Lord, please break the hold drugs have on him

Lord, call him to yourself

Lord Jesus, send him strong christian fellowship

friends who will pray for him, encourage him

Lord, speak to him

Yet as the years went by the hold that drugs had seemed to get stronger

there were no christian friends in his life

his high school friends had all but disappeared

so my prayers stayed the same ... but with one more ...

Lord reveal the truth

there had been times of hope

he had lived at home for a year without incident. Working, saving money. Spending time with family.

I thought I had seen glimpses of my lost boy

then an answered prayer

Here was the truth
the truth was heroin
heroin flowing in my child's veins
blinding him to his savior
his family
his future
poison
killing him
little by little
with each needle
this child of mine who carries my heart

killed a part of me too

My son

2009-12-10T12:38:00.000-05:00

I don't know how many people will read this but I know God is sovereign and He has used many a blog of strangers to bless me this year for sure. I've been away recently from blogging as I continue to find my way on this difficult road I'm on. It has been much easier of a journey lately as God has answered my prayers with strength, faith and love in abundant measure. I posted this note on my facebook today to family and friends but thought I would re-post it here as well. Christmas is a time when we all love to give gifts from our hearts to our family and friends. This year I am limited in what I can do for Brett as he is in jail. One thing I can do is to encourage his friends to reach out to let him know they care. One of the things I have learned on this journey is that people many times do or say nothing for fear of offending, they think of the person in crisis and pray for them but often do not take that extra step to say "I'm thinking of you" . I have done that many times in the past myself and will look at people in crisis with new eyes from now on. So, this is my small gift to my son this Christmas if God lays it on your heart please send him a Christmas greeting and a prayer of good will. It will surely bless him and me.

For all my facebook friends

I'm sure by now many of you know that my son Brett is currently in jail. It is my fervent prayer that some day he and I will somehow be able to share in written or spoken word the story of God's mighty power, His deliverance, forgiveness and grace as it has played out in our lives and the lives of our family this year.

This Christmas season is bittersweet for us as we are all missing Brett. As a family we have always had wonderful holiday traditions as I am sure many of you do as well. His absence will be the part that is bitter but the sweetness of knowing he is alive, free of drugs, and walking with Christ daily is surely taking the sting out of that.

I want to share his address here for those who would like to send him a letter or Christmas card. I know that often people feel awkward in these types of situations. Please don't, something I have learned .. anyone in jail or prison would love to get a letter from anyone!! Daily life in jail is quite monotonous. Brett is the same lovable, optimistic, fun guy he has always been. We laugh all the time when we visit and talk on the phone. We have had some hard times this year to be sure but they are behind us and the future looks bright.

For those who are in Christ that are reading this note I ask that you please pray for Brett and our family that God would continue to draw him close and strengthen him and us as we continue on this path. For those who aren't sure whether or not they truly know Jesus Christ it is my sincere prayer that you will seek Him with your whole heart, for I know if you do that then you will find Him. For He is the reason for this glorious season of joy! Romans 10:9-10

Brett Theroux 0024976

Hampton Roads Regional Jail 3-5

P.O. Box 7609

Portsmouth, Virginia 23707

May God Bless you each one this wonderful holiday season

In His perfect love,

Tina

Good words for today

2009-11-02T11:01:00.000-05:00

intercede

–verb (used without object), -ced⋅ed, -ced⋅ing.

to act or interpose in behalf of someone in difficulty or trouble, as by pleading or petition: to intercede with the governor for a condemned man.

Romans 8:33-34

Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died----- more than that, who was raised to life---- is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.

Is anyone else just blown away by the concept of Jesus interceding for them like I am?

Chapter 1: Trying To Be Good Enough

2009-10-07T23:01:00.000-04:00

As usual I am a day late in posting! Here it is Wednesday and I am posting to the "Yes to God Tuesday" study. Oh well, I'm trying .... maybe next week =)

Anything in Red is a quote from the book

The false perception was rooted in this one flawed thought: You Lysa, are not acceptable the way you are.

The first time I recall ever thinking that I was not good enough was in the seventh grade. Up until then I had lived on an Air Force Base near Fairbanks Alaska.

The thing about military kids is this: most of them know what it's like to be the new kid. So, they tend to be more compassionate and accepting of new faces in school. New kids were always welcomed easily where I was from.

Well in the seventh grade I found myself at a new school in Texas. One that was far away from the base my dad worked at. That meant there were few to no military brats there. These were kids that had grown up together. Cliques were already long established. Unless you were beautiful, exceptionally athletic or obviously wealthy they really could have cared less.

I was none of those things.

One crisp spring day my bus driver decided to treat me to front door service. He usually let me off at the end of my street. "Today Tina you get front door service" he said with a smile. I was in a good mood. My mom had taken the day off. I knew she had undoubtedly finished all my chores for me. Yes, it was a good day! I remember noticing that the windows were all open as the bus pulled up in front of my house. I thanked the bus driver for the special treatment and bounced off the bus with a skip in my step.

"SEE YA LATER SKAG!!"

A mean boy shouted that me as I skipped up to my front door. A boy I never even talked to. It is the only thing he ever said to me.

"sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you"

Oh yes they can.

Oh my gosh, did mom hear that?

I ran into the house and straight into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. Until then I had not given my appearance a whole lot of thought.

All of a sudden I no longer saw myself as I used to. I didn't see that spunky little gal who laughed easily, who stood up for the underdogs of the world. Who put on skits to entertain her family.

I saw a painfully skinny girl with crooked teeth, poker straight hair and glasses.

and she obviously wasn't good enough.

The thought that I wasn't good enough was more than just a feeling. It had become the filter through which I processed life

That was me! I spent or rather wasted enormous amounts of time and emotional energy trying to be pretty, to be acceptable. Makeup, hair, clothes. Braces, new more fashionable glasses and a bit of weight helped some too.

I did make a few friends along the way who seemed to like me as I was. Eventually a bit of the old spunky little gal reappeared. She was back but she was wounded, changed.

In the first chapter of the book Lysa also talks about how she found religion but recounts how it failed her with the death of her beloved little sister.

Life's unfairness strained against my religious perceptions and the dam of my soul burst wide open.

I went looking for religion one evening, it was "bring a friend night" at a girlfriend's church. I went expecting to learn about "church". I met Jesus there. I was so excited at my new life in Christ. I remember sharing with my family to the point that my brother was more than annoyed. Sadly though, the people at the "bring a friend" church weren't so much on follow up. I also remember reading my bible, the only one I had was a King James version. The language was difficult to understand.

So in a way, like Lysa, religion failed me also. Hers with anger and a lack of understanding.

My flawed ideas of God would only let me love him when He did good things. I couldn't compute how He could have let Haley die.

With me it was the organized church, not one youth worker called, visited or even sent a note to invite me back. I would have come, I was eager to learn but being fourteen not quite bold enough to do it on my own.

So I went back to my life looking for ways to fit in. Trying to be beautiful, acceptable. It would be many years until I finally listened to the still quiet voice of God in my life and turned to Him.

Glorifying God

2009-09-22T23:30:00.000-04:00

What is my purpose in life?

From My Utmost for His Highest. "The entire human race was created to glorify God and to enjoy Him"

The scripture reference is from Isaiah 49:5
And now the Lord says - he who formed me in the womb to be his servant ....

Not too long ago I found myself on my face before God. My life was in utter turmoil. My oldest child had become hopelessly entangled in drug addiction. In turn, my life was entangled right along with him.

It is one thing to seek to glorify God when all in your life is good and calm. It is entirely different when life turns on you. When a cherished child is overtaken by pure evil.

I had been praying for Brett for five long years. My prayers never wavered. "Oh God please break the hold that drugs have on Brett's life" Lord please draw Brett close to you" and Lord please bring strong christian fellowship into his life, friends who will pray for him and encourage him"

After five years of praying for those three things I saw Brett's drug addiction turn from marijuana to heroin. I saw him turn away from the word of God as I tried to share it with him. His only friends were drug dealers and fellow addicts. After a brief stay here I watched helplessly one cold cold winter day with no shoes or coat as he walked out of this loving home back to a life of drugs.

I was on my face. Literally, on my face on the floor of my bedroom. The house was silent, Paul was at work, the boys at school. Life was continuing. I could not.

Romans 8:26
"In the same way, the spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."

The Holy Spirit reminded me of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane.

Mark 14:34 -36 My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death, he said to them. Stay here and keep watch. 35 going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him. 36 Abba Father, he said "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.

It was then that I knew "Not my will but yours" .... But Lord! I don't want to lose him! Please Lord save him! "Not my will but yours"

Many things have happened since I prayed those prayers. There have been times of uncertainty, times of intense sorrow. Those prayers I prayed for Brett for five years have been answered. He is no longer doing drugs, a godly young pastor visits with him regularly, he is seeking God daily in prayer and bible study. I pray now for mercy in sentencing. I pray for safety in jail. I pray that God will give him a vision for his future, a future with Jesus.

How do I glorify God? I continue to pray .... I step aside ...... Whatever may come I praise His Holy name.

Where God has brought me

2009-09-20T12:31:00.000-04:00

Before I begin I would like to share a bit of where I am today. This blog was originally going to be an outlet for creativity that I have pushed aside for many years. As it is, my plans were drastically altered by events I had no control over. I have used this forum to process my grief, sorrow, pain and also my joy, hope and most importantly my faith. Along the way I have met some pretty wonderful christians who have stopped in from time to time to offer love, prayers and encouragement.

The events I speak of are all connected to my oldest son's five year battle with drug addiction. It started with occasional marijuana use and eventually led him to a heroin habit that propelled him to commit several crimes that have resulted in his incarceration.

God has often used their blogs to speak to me. Sometimes it has been by seeing a passage of scripture through the lens of their life experience and in doing so gleaning wisdom I otherwise would not have seen. At other times it has been a much needed laugh but most often it has been to see pictures of His unending love, mercy and grace as they work out their salvation in Him.

God has brought me a long way since the first post. He has been with me every step of the way. Guiding me, prodding me, and sometimes when I was too weary to take another step He has carried me.

So for now I want to use this blog to share what he has shown me, what He continues to show me each time I stop and listen to Him. Today it is through my daily devotions. I use a wonderful devotional book entitled My Utmost for His Highest I also use a book entitled Jesus Calling. I am so thankful for my brothers and sisters in Christ who have answered the call of the Lord to share the wisdom and grace He has given to them. In sharing the love of God we fulfill His word.

John 13:34-35
A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.

Today as I read through the daily offering in My Utmost I highlighted two passages. The first "In other words, simply show the person what God has shown you". What has God shown me? Mercy, grace, and endless love. I recall a teaching that mercy, is not getting what you deserve and grace is getting that which you do not deserve. Yes! I am so thankful that I serve a God rich in mercy and grace for surely I do not want to get what I deserve!

the second passage is "being a disciple means deliberately identifying yourself with God's interest in other people". Recently I learned that the word disciple means "student". So, to be a student of Jesus Christ I need to deliberately identify myself with God's interest in other people.

Basically when I interact with others what I need to do is to look at them through His eyes and show them what He has shown me. The scripture reference for today's devotional is Matthew 5:48
.... be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect". Not always an easy task but always the right one.

Do it already

2009-09-06T16:14:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had that feeling? You know the one. When you feel the urge to do something in the name of Jesus.

Maybe to let your pastor know you appreciate him and that you are praying for him and his family. Perhaps dropping in on an elderly church member just to chat. You're not really sure if it is a prompting of the Holy Spirit or not. Regardless, it is a good deed. Something you would like if done to you.

Yet ..... time goes by and for whatever of a million reasons. Kids ball game after work, deadlines, laundry, bible study group preparation. You just don't do it.

What am I afraid of? Why is it that I sometimes don't "just do it"? Is it busyness? Rejection? Rather than just going to it, I worry too much about how my action will be perceived. How I will be perceived.

God has been dealing with me on this very subject for some time now. So I finally decided to "just do it" the next time that feeling came upon me. God, ever patient. Has given me several opportunities over the last few weeks.

I have to laugh at myself because even as I write this I think "this sounds somewhat self serving ... as if I am giving myself a pat on the back." I am not but yet the thought is there, that second thought trying to push me to abandon this post. Yet I know this is a valid subject to be tossed out for pondering.

and guess what? It is all good. It is not about me or how I will be perceived. It is all Him. To God be the glory!!

JUST DO IT!

John 3:30
He must become greater, I must become less.

Hidden memories

2009-08-27T17:54:00.000-04:00

High up on a shelf

amongst the ordinary
high heels, sandals, winter boots
wool, silk, soft denim

are bits of life

soft green blanket, a ghost of its former self
worn thin by sweet baby hands grasping, holding, loving

Purple Barney,who brought unbridled joy one Christmas morning
never to be equalled in years to come

Kindergarden book bags ... one for each child
filled with mementos of school days gone by ....
construction paper creations, report cards, glowing notes from favored teachers

These bits of life

Keepsakes that at one time held places of prominence in our home, a bed, a shelf, the refrigerator door

now reside high up on a closet shelf, tucked away

but not forgotten

melancholy days come to call .....

I pull out the step ladder and one by one

I sift through these bits of life

reminiscing of days long past

afternoons tucking a soft green blanket around a sleeping beauty
whisking barney away for a quick cleaning while a little boy sleeps unaware
checking book bags for forgotten permission slips and teacher notes

Sometimes these tokens bring tears, a longing to return to simpler days

But mostly they bring warmth and a smile

a smile at a life lived full

For such a time as this

2009-08-20T15:12:00.000-04:00

The internet is a wonderful tool for finding old friends. She looked me up on facebook. I'm always excited to see "friend request" on my page. How wonderful to reconnect with old friends. As I read her message and clicked on her name I had great fun looking at pictures of her three kids. Kids who were teenagers when I last saw them. All three are grown and married now.

One a successful photographer with two kids of her own. Another a worship minister who has recently become a father for the first time. The youngest, who was my son's best friend in the first grade is enjoying his dream job of being a band director. He just married a few weeks ago.

She said she was happy to see that I am still hanging out with God (I have a bible verse on my page) and that I am still with the same guy. (many other friends have divorced over the years). She wrapped up her message with "Life is good", how are things with you?

Talk about a loaded question! Yes, still hanging out with God, as a matter of fact He is on my speed dial these days! Yes, still with the same fella. He has been a rock for me. Yes life is good .... but.

After a few days I managed to send a reply and summarize the events of the last few months. Events that include a prodigal son, heroin, the police, and incarceration. I can only imagine how it was received. I haven't heard back from her yet. She is probably still trying to come up with words to say. I realize there just aren't many.

While I was thrilled to hear they are all well and happy this event did push me right into the "why me" river of self pity. It's an unforgiving river. Much like whitewater rapids it can smash you into rocks or suck you under before you know it. If you spend too much time in it it will undoubtedly send you over the falls of hopelessness and despair.

As I was thrashing about in the river I reached out for a branch to help myself out. I picked up a wonderful daily devotional book that my pastor gave me several months ago. Here is an excerpt from that day's reading.

.... Do not compare yourself with others, who seem to skip along their life - paths with ease. Their journeys have been different from yours, and I have gifted them with abundant energy. I have gifted you with fragility, providing opportunities for your spirit to blossom in My Presence. Accept this gift as a sacred treasure .......

For such a time as this. Perfect words at just the right time.

The God of the universe took a moment to reach out and pull me from the river. I gratefully accept the gift.

House hunting

2009-08-02T19:17:00.000-04:00

walls colored an ordinary beige

braided rugs

ruffled curtains

heirlooms, pictures, things ....

memories not mine

here in this foreign room

I quickly take it in

as I paint a picture of my family here

My treasures

my loves

socked feet sliding on hardwood floors

colors..... ruby red, rich chocolate brown, creamy white

lazy winter days curled up under soft blankets lost in a good book

the laughter of my children

bouncing off the walls and into my heart

memories to carry with me always

yes

I can see it ......

Take my hand

2009-08-01T12:46:00.000-04:00

So, I've been away for awhile, literally (traveled to Minnesota to visit Paul's family) and also emotionally (just haven't had my spiritual self together enough to post coherently).

Just when you are so weary of walking alone God sends the perfect friend to come alongside and take your hand.

I got a phone call yesterday from a dear, dear friend. She and I were inseparable when we were teenagers. I moved to Guam when I was 16. Having been plucked from a life of Texas high school football games, dance core, good friends, and all around American high school fun it was a most miserable move for me.

Then I met Sherry. A soul mate. We talked, we laughed, we shared our hopes and dreams. That was 28 years ago. We have kept in touch over the years through Christmas cards and an occasional phone call but as time passed the cards became fewer and the phone calls more infrequent.

Then, thanks to the wonders of the Internet and social networking, a peek into each others lives once more. It was then that I realized how much I have missed my friend. E-mails here and there a wall post, comments, cyber hugs OOO.

Then yesterday a phone call ....

Seems like we live parallel lives. Our situations could not be more different, yet the similarities are true.

Only God can weave a story like this.

How is it that she knows exactly how I feel? How is it that she knows just what to say? How is it that in spite of the years apart the conversation flows freely as if it has been a daily occurrence?

God's ways are not our ways. ... in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose ..... Romans 8:28

He is always there, whether we acknowledge him or not ... working, weaving his love and grace into our lives in spite of the decisions we make. If only we would look for him more often than we do.

Mommy Holiday

2009-07-10T22:23:00.000-04:00

I was pregnant with my fourth child

To this day the most vivid memory I have of that pregnancy was complete, unmitigated exhaustion

From the moment of conception I walked around in a state of constant fatigue.

Brett was 7, Lindly was 5 and Blake not quite 2.

Unfortunately, 7 and 5 year olds aren't very adept at getting themselves off to school and almost 2 year olds.... well lets just say they can certainly be demanding.

I did not have the energy to do all that the school day required. Lunches, checking back packs, supervision of teeth brushing, picking out school clothes, not to mention dressing the demanding two year old to walk the others to school.

Thus the "mommy holiday" was born.

In a moment of pure weakness.... I announced "no school today"

There was great joy and merriment!!

In the midst of the celebration I recall Brett stopping to ask "why"

I just think we need a holiday today.

So, in the middle of the school year we had an easy day of lounging in our jammies, videos, a few video games, snacks and a general slowing down of our own particular rat race.

Despite my weariness I thoroughly enjoyed the kids that day, it was the only thing on the agenda.

From that day on I made sure we had a couple of "mommy holidays" each year. It wasn't something we did often so it was always an unexpected treat.

Lindly is in college now, she is pre med and taking organic chemistry this summer. I've missed her terribly. We talk often though and just last night she was telling me how excited she is that she has discovered a study partner who is also a big "Harry Potter" fan.

Harry Potter movies have always been prime "mommy holiday" material.

They have made plans to see the midnight showing. Lindly, the boys and I went to the midnight showing of the last movie.

I haven't asked the boys if they want to go, they are 17 and 15 now

I imagine that going to the midnight showing of Harry Potter with mom might not be high on the list of "must do's" for their summer.

I'll ask anyway.......

As I reflect on the mommy holidays gone by, I feel a bit melancholy. Harry, Ron and Hermione won't be the same without Lindly.

I hope that some day in the future, a youngster will have a "mommy holiday" and it will be a trip to grandma's house

and that grandma will be me

Snow Day

2009-07-10T18:11:00.000-04:00

long johns

pants

zip, button

t-shirt short sleeve

tuck

t-shirt long sleeve

tuck, tuck

sweater

scarf

wrap, wrap

mittens

tuck, tuck

socks

(three pair)

knit hat

parka

zip , snap,snap

snow boots...........

Mom!

I have to go to the bathroom!

Watering the grass

2009-07-01T10:37:00.000-04:00

People who have ADD should NOT be allowed to put out sprinklers

Or at a minimum........

Those people should NOT get on the computer once the sprinkler has been turned on

just saying.......

Scattered

2009-06-21T21:19:00.000-04:00

It's like a bomb went off in my life and I'm still picking up the pieces

Trying to figure out how they all go together

I have piles here and there

Not everything survived the blast

But that's ok

Whatever isn't here obviously wasn't necessary

I imagine I will get it all together eventually

Until then I will

continue to putter about this mess

sifting, sorting

keeping, tossing

all the while humming as I go

It is well, It is well,

with my soul

Moving Hydrangeas and lessons from the Master gardener

2009-06-16T23:47:00.000-04:00

When we moved to this house three summers ago I was thrilled at the landscape opportunities.

At first I was in love with the hydrangea bushes that graced the front of my new home. Then winter came, the bushes dropped their leaves and all of a sudden what was once a lush spectacle of burgeoning soft pink blossoms surrounded by broad green leaves was now seven colossal bundles of sticks! Not exactly the Better Homes and Gardens picture I had in mind.

So, I set about the task of moving them to a more discreet location where a more natural landscape would be accepted. After all, shrubbery living out front have a job to do 12 months a year. Blooms look nice only for a few. For those plants who can't hack the tough business of showing at all times it's the back or side yard for them. In this case it was the side yard.

Anyone who has ever dug up a new garden bed knows it is HARD back breaking work! For readers who are not horticulturally inclined.... take my word for it. Even in regular soil it is tough digging, turning, and removing sod. My new garden happens to have three gargantuan neighbors. Those would be an oak, elm, and still not sure about the third. (I know, I know, I am aghast at myself as I write this)( I really need to identify it). Big trees have lots of roots, lots of roots that make digging anywhere in the vicinity of said trees difficult.

Well I toughed it out, manned up, dug in (ha ha pun intended), and flexed my gardening muscles and moved all my hydrangea plants. Turns out that I had more than I needed for the new side garden bed so I had to find other locations around the back of the house for them. That was last year.

I was thrilled to discover that they all survived the move. I wasn't sure about their mortality until early spring when the new leaves and shoots began to show. The best time to move deciduous plants is once they have dropped their leaves. You plant them, water them and hope for the best because basically they look dead. They have all winter to get over the shock, build their root systems back into the ground to get ready for the hard work of throwing out their leaves in the spring and summer.

Since it was such hard work just digging the beds for them last fall I didn't really have the time, energy or quite frankly the inclination to make the beds look nice. I just needed a place for them to grow. I tossed some mulch on them and left them to themselves. Now that they all seem to be thriving, some have actually produced some blooms for me. This was quite the unexpected surprise since I had to do some serious pruning before I moved them and anyone who knows hydrangeas knows they bloom on "old wood". That means they set the blooms for the following year on old stems, so if you cut those out.... no flowers next season.

Where am I going with all of this? Well, today I started the task of making the beds pretty. Again, hard work. I ended up expanding the beds and in doing so once again wrestled with the tree roots, almost threw my back out, got a few bug bites... oh did I mention that gardens have gads of bugs? The result of all my work? A wondrous garden with room to grow more flowers, and oh so many lessons.

I am the hydrangea bush. I was so happy where I was. I had everything I needed (or so I thought). I bloomed profusely. Ultimately it was not where my master wanted me to be so he moved me. It was hard to be moved. The move was not easy and at times I thought I would die. I even looked sickly, I lost ten pounds. At first I wanted to die. The pruning was so painful. I hated my new location. I desperately missed where I used to be.

In time, I made peace with the move and was thankful for my new place. I began to dig in my new roots. It was surprisingly easy to grow those roots now that the pruning had removed some things that were taking up valuable energy.

It's still spring for me and I can see new growth. There is no old wood so I don't expect to throw out many blooms this summer. That is ok because my master is the gardener and He knows it will take time for me to bloom. There are bugs that try to attack me but once again my master is there to pluck them away before they can do any serious damage. So I don't worry too much about them.

When the flowers come and I am sure they will, I know that the display will be nothing less than spectacular for they will come from within the master's tender loving care.

Rest and Hope

2009-06-12T13:25:00.000-04:00

Last night as I was visiting my son , God interrupted me.

I welcomed the interruption as it was an encouragement. I don't even recall exactly what we were discussing when I felt God's presence and the admonition to "enjoy this moment".

As I looked at Brett my heart overflowed with love. Love for him and love for my Heavenly Father.

If you have read any of my posts here you would know that my relationship with my son is one that has been filled with pain and heartache. When I first began this blog I had no idea that it would become a vehicle to process my agony. As the header reads, I first had a desire to express the creative side of myself that had long been buried.

This was written quite some time before I was to discover how truly lost Brett was. It was originally posted in October 2008 but I had been working on it for awhile before I finally posted it.

Brett and I both have a strong desire to share our story. He has an amazing testimony of forgiveness and grace that came to him in a jail cell. Hopefully soon he will be able to share that with those God would bring his way.

Part of that testimony is a dream he had where he and I were speaking to a large group of people, telling them our story.

Our desire is to offer hope to those like us. For I know all too well the despair that comes with the knowledge that your child is caught in the grip of drugs. I have read of families ripped apart, children abandoned to their own sin and addiction and sadly too many mothers left to bury a child. Those stories are far too common.

I do not know what Brett's side of the story will entail. I have only seen glimpses of the destruction that drugs have wrought in his life.

For now we are a work in progress. In the early days of his arrest and incarceration I was overcome with fear and uncertainty. Today I walk in faith and take each day as it comes. When the temptation to worry over the future comes I remember God's word "I take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ". Worry does no good and it robs me of joy.

I believe that is why God called me to "enjoy this moment". Life has been hard, there has been heartache but it has been replaced with forgiveness, healing and ..............

Hope.

Chapters Eleven and Twelve Wrapping Up an untroubled heart

2009-06-11T13:16:00.000-04:00

The authors words are in red

As I wrap up this book study, I think " is my heart untroubled?"

For the most part....Yes.

Not that I don't have times of doubt and fear, of course we all do. We live in a spiritual world.

Ephesians 6:12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places

Pretty heady stuff there! Whether we want to admit it or not there are evil forces at work in our lives. Fear is a powerful weapon that is often used by the enemy to debilitate us. Fear paralyzes us. It is impossible to step out for God when we are overshadowed and bogged down with fear. It becomes our focus and when that is the case, battling it is a full time job.

I know this from very recent personal experience. This book came to me when I was under tremendous spiritual attack. I had recently learned that my oldest child is a heroin addict. Very shortly after that revelation he came home seeking help with his addiction. For those out there who scoff at the above scripture and do not believe in spiritual warfare I would encourage them to spend some time around a drug addict and his/her family.

This child, the oldest of four. Was at one time worshipped by his two younger brothers, he was the epitome of cool to them. He was universally loved by teachers "he is a joy", "I wish I had a classroom full of him" were comments I regularly received during his school years. Even at an early age he had an easy smile and never met a stranger. He was my joy.

I'll be honest, it had been awhile since I had seen those qualities in him. He is lost, I would say. We didn't see him much. I had no idea of the true battle taking place in his life.

I recall praying for God to reveal the truth to me. I had been in denial for some time. Several things had happened that pointed to the truth. I could no longer ignore what was happening.

Be careful what you pray for. God did indeed reveal the truth. It was a truth I did not want to see.

As the truth came into our household several ugly companions came along with it. Anger, bitterness, and fear.

It was almost tangible.... I could feel it, picturing it as a hulking demon. Lurking about in the room breathing over our every thought, every move. I remember wanting to scream as I looked from my son to my husband. There were no words to say as we each dealt with the thoughts that bombarded us. My husband in protection mode. He had just changed all the locks on the house days earlier when Brett's whereabouts were unknown. He was angry too, the things Brett had been driven to do to feed his addiction had wounded us all.

My husband and I did the best we could for five days while Brett detoxed. We prayed, we kept a constant watch, taking shifts for sleep. I prayed like I have never prayed before. I shared bible verses with him, told him I loved him. All to no avail. He eventually walked out of our home back to a life with drugs.

I was left with a constant companion...... Fear!

Will I ever see him again? Will he overdose? Will he be shot and killed in a drug deal? Will he just disappear? He had spoke of going to New York city to live among the homeless. Every heartbreaking story of the destruction of life by drugs I had ever heard came rushing back to me. Heroin is straight from the pits of hell and it had a death grip on my boy. Every vile, evil twisted act associated with drug life dominated my thoughts.

Until.....

God rescued me. The book study preceding this one was Self Talk, Soul Talk. That book focused on our thought lives.

Timely indeed

As I walked this road God used that book along with the encouragement and insights of the other women in the study to teach me how to navigate this new territory. This new battlefield.

The next book was this one "an untroubled heart" by Micca Campbell. Twelve chapters on learning to reach out and harness the power of God in our lives so that we need not wrestle with fear but live victoriously in the shadow of our Heavenly Father.

The last two chapters "Practicing His Presence" and "Living with Courage" focus on learning to abide in God's presence. For when we do this fear cannot touch us. 1John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear....

What does it mean to abide? It means to remain or to stay. Paul tells us exactly where we are to stay: "For you died and your life is now hidden with Christ in God" Col. 3:3

Stay with God? Why didn't I think of that before? One of those "easier said than done" things. Micca points us to Jesus example. Jesus's time with God wasn't something He tacked on to an overcrowded schedule. It was His highest priority, the time when He discovered god's priorities for His life.

I have been blessed with something precious, time! I don't work outside the home. My kids are old enough that I don't have to attend to physical needs like I used to. While my housework can pile up it is something that can wait. I know that God worked my circumstances for such a time as this, as He alone knows my needs. I have been able to spend time with Him every day without distraction. I have learned to abide, to live in His strength. Fear is no longer my constant companion as it was just a few months ago.

In the last chapter Living with Courage, Micca references The Wizard of Oz. Dorothy's three friends were on a journey seeking love, wisdom, and courage. They didn't realize that they possessed these qualities all along. The wizard merely opened their eyes to what they each already had.

"Like the characters in The Wizard of Oz as we travel along we will also encounter scary witches and flying monkeys in various forms that will take real knowledge, heart, and courage to face."

For me the witches and flying monkeys are embodied in a heroin addiction. I need courage to face the future of helping my son overcome the obstacles that his addiction has put in his way. Incarceration, felony record, debt. I need wisdom to make decisions about treatment, boundaries, and family counseling. Most of all I need love to combat the attacks from the enemy. Resentment, anger, bitterness at all that has been lost.

No yellow brick roads necessary. God is ever present, ever faithful to supply all our needs.

"I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears"

Psalm 34:4

This is the first verse I ever committed to memory. It is my life verse. As I read this verse referenced in the last chapter I couldn't help but smile, Yes He is faithful. He delivered me from all my fears. He enables me day to day to walk in faith, to love my son and my family and most of all to serve Him fully with an untroubled heart.

Chapter 10: The Love of a Father

2009-05-28T09:09:00.000-04:00

the authors words in red

As this book is coming to an end I can't help but reflect on my state of mind when I first began. One thing for sure, it has been a timely one for me.

I am so grateful for the wisdom between the pages, sprinkled with God's word throughout, this book has been a guide as my Heavenly Father has taught me some serious life lessons.

When we first began this study back in March I was battling fear each and every day, sometimes moment by moment. It had not even been a month since my heroin addicted son had been arrested for attempted robbery.

Yet, the battle has subsided.

Not much has changed in my circumstances. My son is still incarcerated. There are still many unknowns to his future.

Early on we discussed how God never intended for us to live in fear. As I continued to walk through the pages of this book and also peek into the lives of others walking with me. I began to grasp hold of the truth of God's word.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self discipline"

With this weapon in hand, along with much encouragement from brothers and sisters in Christ. I have been able to fight the good fight and emerge victorious from the raging battle I found myself in just a few short months ago.

In this chapter we focus on God the Father. How touching to read of the moment Mitch was able to accept unconditional love from Pat.

"Later, as I reflected on the incident, I realized that Pat mirrored the character of our heavenly Father when he vowed to always love Mitch and never let him go."

Yes, our heavenly Father is the perfect example for us as we love our children. As Paul and I have raised our children we have tried to point them to God by taking them to church, teaching them day by day. Trying our best to be witnesses for Christ.

In spite of all we have done, the eldest of the four walked away from the lessons of his youth. In doing so he walked right into the arms of evil. Drugs took over his life. He was twisted into something unrecognizable to those of us who have known and loved him. As I helplessly watched this transformation take place over the course of four and a half years, many times I would say things like "who are you?" or "this is NOT who you are" I remember distinctly one time after a four day drug binge he had come home to retrieve some clothing. I looked him right in the eye and said "I don't know who you are anymore". He had no answers for me, he just shrugged and left.

Micca writes "sometimes because of things that happened in our past, we think the Lord could never love us."

This is what happened to Brett. Not only did he think that God could never love him, he also thought that we could no longer love him.

Sometimes I wonder how I would have dealt with this trial outside of the love of God. As I have walked this road I have been exposed to many different opinions on how to handle addiction. "Tough Love" is a phrase that is thrown around a lot. Often I cringe when I hear certain versions of this "tough love". Basically it is not love at all, it is self preservation. It is abandonment.

God's love transforms.

"The goal of God's love is not to approve of our sin. It is to transform our lives through faith in His Son" While we must suffer the cost of our actions, God is not out to condemn us. He's out to set us free from the chains of sin that bind us. Therefore we have nothing to fear."

I am so very thankful that I have not had to endure this trial with my son outside of the love of God. He is my perfect example. He has loved me with an everlasting love. As He loves me in perfect holiness, He enables me to love my son the same.

Six Things

2009-05-24T19:00:00.000-04:00

My friend Stacy posted this game so play along if you feel like it.

Six things that are unimportant but make me happy

finding a parking spot right near my regular entrance at the mall
oreo cookies
make - up
magazines
a new purse
new shoes

Blake

2009-05-22T11:35:00.000-04:00

Just a short post today

Life around here has been so tragic of late

I haven't posted much about my other children as the drama of the oldest has kind of encroached upon all territory

Today Blake really made me laugh out loud though

it was not his intention to make me laugh and I do believe my laughter annoyed him to no end

so, I just had to share....

Parents of teenagers will at least smile if not lol

here is our dialogue as he was preparing to go to school and then on to his regional track meet.

Blake "mom, do you have any cash?"

Me "Umm, no I don't"

Blake (in an exasperated tone)" Sigh, Why Not??"

Me "Hmm, I dunno I just don't find myself in need of cash very often, I use my check card"

Blake "Geez mom, you REALLY need to carry cash"

Me "Why?"

Blake "Because I need cash all the time!!"

I don't know why but I thought this was hilarious......

Blake did not share my humor

Chapter 9: The Right Kind of Fear

2009-05-21T15:42:00.000-04:00

As usual the authors words are in red

In this chapter Micca talks about good fear. Up until now we have been discussing unhealthy fears.

"To have godly fear means to revere and hold God in awe, not offending Him with sin..... Reverential fear is a noble and healthy fear of God's greatness and holiness"

This kind of fear is good. It keeps us on the path God intends. When Micca writes "What would our world look like if spouses respected one another, children honored their parents, citizens obeyed the laws and authorities, and all people revered the Lord?" Our world would indeed look more like what God intended.

I have seen glimpses of this in my life. As my husband and I seek God as we raise our family there are times where God's grace and love abound. Within our church family we see glimpses as well. Wherever there are believers who are living lives surrendered to God there will be the blessings that come with obedience. Security, unconditional love, peace and harmony.

Whether people believe in God or not He is real. He is the one who created the universe and set all the laws in motion. Physical laws and spiritual laws. Those who fear God and obey his laws are always blessed. Those who may not know Him and fear Him but obey His laws will be blessed as well, just not to the degree that a true relationship brings. Whether you believe in gravity or not you are subject to it.

Likewise whether you believe in God's principals or not you will "reap what you sow", you are subject to the spiritual laws of the universe just like the physical laws.

If they have obeyed many of the spiritual laws God has set in place. Treat others the way you want to be treated, Be kind, compassionate, give to the poor and needy etc... A life lived following these laws will most undoubtedly be blessed.

Perhaps this is why some nonbelievers can so easily dismiss the possibility of an omnipotent God. Often they just don't realize that He is the one responsible for their joy, they don't think they "need" God.

It always amazes me when I hear non believers say things like. "If he is such a good god why does he allow suffering?" or "I don't want to worship a god who lets murderers go to heaven". Usually these statements are made with an air of arrogance or at the least frivolity.

I sometimes want to grab them and give them a shake as I remind them just who they are so casually speaking about.

The one true God of the universe!!

The ONLY response to Him should be on our face reverence for He is Holy! He set the stars in the sky and hung the moon for goodness sake!! We should tremble at His name.

But.... I have yet to shake one I'm sharing with. So far God has always given me the grace and patience needed. The Holy Spirit gives me the words to share and He continues to work in the hearts of man as He draws them to Himself.

For yes He is Holy but He is also full of mercy and grace.

2 Peter 3:9b

"...... Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance"

The Storm

2009-05-17T01:15:00.000-04:00

I had originally written this back in March, I don't know why I didn't post it. Perhaps it just got lost in the storm. I was going over old posts this evening and found it. I wanted to post it now because I remember where I was when I wrote it and while I may not be on a mountain top yet, the sun is shining. In any case here it is......

I find myself in a spiritual storm of sorts today

I saw it coming....

There were dark clouds, rumbling.... yes, the signs of an impending storm were definitely there

Yet I was as powerless to stop it as I would be to stop a real thunderstorm

At times the thunder is deafening

I see flashes of lightning everywhere

The rain is relentless, pounding down all around me

The wind is fierce I can hardly hear myself think as it howls all through the night

At first I was so frightened by this storm

The rain blinded me, the lightning terrified me, I could hardly walk....

paralyzed, as the wind gusted all around me eventually casting me down like a rag doll

It was there, on my face, completely bewildered and frightened that I heard a voice........

Come to Me my child

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

He reached down from Heaven and ever so gently picked me up and gathered me to Himself

Here in His arms the rain, thunder, and lightning cannot touch me. For I know that the rain falls, and the lightning flashes and the wind blows only at his will

I don't know when this storm will end but I do know that just like real storms are needed to cleanse and water the earth. There is a reason for this one in my life

I know the sun will shine again

Until then I will lean into His arms and wait

Chapter 8 : Overcoming the Fear of the Unknown

2009-05-15T16:52:00.000-04:00

The authors words are in red

In the first section of this chapter as Micca relates her son Mitch's narrow escape from harm in a car accident she speaks of the miracle that he wasn't hurt. God's hand was upon him. Unfortunately that same night a young man from their church killed himself and undoubtedly devastated his mother in doing so. Micca writes " I could have been her"

That short phrase sent me back a couple of months. A short time before I learned that my oldest son was a heroin addict I purchased a book written by Ruth Bell Graham called Prodigals and Those Who Love Them, Words of Encouragement For Those Who Wait. I purchased the book because my son had walked away from his faith and seemed to be floundering in life, I had seen him struggle with drugs but had no idea the extent of his addiction.

The forward to the book is written by her daughter Gigi who herself is a mom of a prodigal that Ruth writes about. In the forward she tells a story of a woman who had come to hear Ruth speak and afterwards approached her to ask if she thought that she would see her son in heaven. "My son died of an overdose of drugs" she said. Ruth, full of God's grace responded by asking the question "if you heard a timid knock on your door one day, and you answered the knock only to find your child standing there, bruised, wounded, bleeding, dirty and tattered, what would you do? Slam the door in his face? Or would you throw open the door and welcome him into your arms?

Barely a week after I received the book I discovered that my son was a heroin addict and within two weeks of that day he was gone. I remember thinking "I don't want to be that mom"! I also remember hearing a voice in my head say "You ARE that mom". While that thought did torment me for a time I knew immediately that it was NOT from God. Recognizing that was the first step in overcoming the debilitating effects of fear. Unfortunately, my battle had just begun.

Micca writes "usually our concerns never come to pass anyway". I wish I could say this was true for me. While the fear of losing Brett to an overdose has not come to pass one other fear did. Over the past five years there have been several times that he has left our home for weeks and months at a time. We had minimal to no contact with him during these periods. During those times I used to flinch when I would hear sirens. I watched the evening news with much trepidation. It was as if in the back of my mind somewhere I knew he would be on the news some day.

I recall watching the latter part of a news story on a Thursday evening about a young man who attempted to hold up a pharmacy. I saw the man being led away in handcuffs. He had a hoodie pulled over his face and his name was not released. I remember clearly thinking that could be Brett. I shuddered at the thought but shrugged it off. The following day I was sitting at my computer around 6:00 pm when a dear friend called.

"Hey Tina, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine Pam, how are you?"

"Oh sweetie, you don't know.......

My heart began to pound.

"No,.... what?"

I don't want to be the one to tell you.

"Tell me what?"

"The news" she said." There was a drug store....".

Immediately, the story from the night before came to mind.

"Oh my God, that was Brett wasn't it"

"Yes dear, they showed his picture".

I have to go....

One of my worst fears had come true.

I praise God for her. I praise Him that he spared me the shock of witnessing the story first hand. There is no other way I would have rather heard the news. She is a loving christian woman full of mercy and grace. My husband was out of town on a business trip not due back until the following day.

Words cannot describe the depth of despair I found myself immersed in. The next few weeks were difficult to say the least. As difficult as they were I can say that alongside of the worst emotional pain I've ever experienced came the feeling of the presence of God in a more powerful way than I have ever experienced.

Micca quotes Isaiah 43:2-3. Oh how I love this passage! It has been put to music and when I see it posted in our bulletin I know to pull out my tissue for it always evokes such strong feelings of love and adoration I can but scarcely contain myself when I sing it!

I remember distinctly God bringing me to Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. As I read those words I thought "isn't THAT the truth"!! My days of late have had all kinds of trouble. That being said, all of my worries had not changed the future I had dreaded. They did rob me of peace many times though. I am determined to not let that happen again.

If you've read my recent posts you know that God has shown himself in a mighty way. I am not walking in fear anymore. I am walking with God, one day at a time. Choosing to look to the wonderful answers to prayer I have witnessed. Continuing to seek Him for wisdom every day as I read His word.

Micca writes " Something amazing happens when we faithfully cry out to the Lord, believing in His perfect care. Our faith suddenly becomes stronger than our fear". Yes it does, even when in our grief we cannot see it, we continue to get up each day and seek him until one day we get up and realize the pain has subsided, and what is left is a wonderful peace and joy that comes with knowing the Father.

As for the future. Yes there are many unknowns, some of which may not be easy. One thing I know for sure is that regardless of what the future will bring I am more convinced than ever that there is nothing that will come that can take away the love I have in Christ. I am stronger now than I was four months ago. I have seen the power of God in my life and in the life of my son. I look to the future now with great anticipation rather than fear. For I know that

"Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world".

Chapter 7: What's the Worst That Could Happen?

2009-05-05T14:41:00.000-04:00

The authors words are in red

In the section entitled Nothing New Under the Sun I was gripped by this line " Despite the presence of evil, people are living everyday life as usual". The reason being this, recently my family has endured several tragic events. In the days following I found myself at times overwhelmed with despair. It was difficult to do much of anything. I would sit on the sofa wrapped in a blanket unmotivated to do much more than mindlessly channel surf. Incredulous at the reality of how time marches on. People continue with their lives. My world had come crashing down. I just wanted to scream at times. I wanted the whole world to stop. To stop so I could make sense of it all, so I could fix things. Problem is, evil does exist in the world. Sometimes we live for so long without it really touching us that we forget it's there.

That was me. I recall years ago when a pastor preached about tragedy. He said "Either you are enduring one now, have in the past or will in the future". I have to admit that I really didn't want to hear that. It bothered me. Micca echos his assertion " Each person in some way has tasted the bitterness of sorrow and tragedy". Although, she points out the truth that "God didn't design disease, exploitation, uncertainty, combat, gloom, misery, or death. These are all results of living in a fallen, broken, sin-sick world".

In spite of the uncertain world we live in it is true that "calamity, sickness, world hunger, debt and death are not the worst things that can happen to a person." Just like Parker, I agree that nothing is worse than not knowing the love of God through Christ. For surely without His love in the world we would live in the midst of pure evil and chaos.

How else can Corrie ten Boom's strength and faith be explained? If you have never read "the Hiding Place" I highly recommend it. It tells the story of Corrie's life which tragically includes time in a Nazi concentration camp. When I first read the story I was amazed, I remember shuddering to think of her reality. Back then I thought "I could never have endured what she did". True, but I have learned that Corrie did not endure alone. It was through Christ that she was able.

My heart lifted as I read the scripture reference Micca used Romans 8:35,39 "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril or sword?...nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord"

The reason my heart jumped is that it was that same scripture that God used to show my heroin addicted son that even the evil of heroin cannot, and will not separate him from His love. Brett read that verse in a jail cell. Desperate, broken, seeking God for the first time in years with a truly contrite heart.

Several weeks earlier Brett had come home seeking our help with his heroin addiction. I recall sharing that verse with Brett after he had said to me "mom, you just don't know the things I have done". It was as if there was a heavy veil over his heart and he just couldn't see the truth. I believe now that Brett wasn't ready to let go of drugs, he was ready to let go of the heroin but not the other drugs he had for so long come to depend on. He wasn't looking for God. I was devastated. I continued to pray as I had done for five years. The following day Brett walked out of our home back to a life with drugs. The days that followed were filled with pain, sorrow, and uncertainty. Yet, I sought the Lord and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4.

Two weeks went by before I found myself on the other side of a glass window in the city jail speaking to my precious Brett through a phone. Unable to hug him, I poured every bit of love I had out to him as I again pointed him to God's word. I encouraged him to go to the cross. I told him to look in the Psalms. I shared with him Romans 8:28 and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose. I continued to pray.

God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Our circumstances change as our lives go on but He is the same. Loving, just, merciful, full of grace. Whether we are on a mountain top praising Him for blessings or in a dark pit crying out for His presence He will always answer us. I have learned that while tragedy is an inevitable part of life there is nothing that will happen that I cannot endure with the help of God and by His strength.

The day was February 9th that Brett was granted a peace that passes all understanding. A peace that led him to tell me "I am happier than I have been in a long, long time" in spite of his circumstances. He shared with me how he read Romans 8:35-39 and realized that God had been with him all along, waiting for him to repent and turn to Him.

He also told me that he had received great comfort from Psalm 51. I wasn't familiar with that Psalm so when I got home from visiting him that night I looked it up. I wept as I read it because it was clear why God had led him there.

While I don't know the future holds I am less fearful these days. I have been in a pit, I cried out to God and he lifted me. He has strengthened me, I am walking in faith not fear.

an untroubled heart: Chapter Five: Family Matters

2009-04-30T11:31:00.000-04:00

The authors words are in red

I apologize that this chapter is so late, it was a hard one for me.

I'll be honest when I first began chapter five it was difficult for me. In the first few sections as Micca speaks about building a strong family I couldn't help but once again visit the "what did I do wrong" pit. A pit that I have had to scrape, scratch, and fight my way out of.

How did my child, the child I prayed over, led to Christ, took to church, loved unconditionally....

This child, how Lord? How did he wander so far away? How did the ugly claws of the enemy get so deeply embedded into this boy?

My daughter came home from college last night. It is always such a fun time when she gets here. There is always so much to share. I revel in listening to her and the younger two boys swap stories of their friends and adventures in each of their respective lives. The love and affection they have for one another is genuine. (That is something I have prayed for, thank you Lord.)

Somehow the conversation turned to years past when they were small. They spoke of favorite video's, Veggie Tales, the Mcgee and Me series. I laughed as they began singing familiar bible verses learned from a tape that put verses to music for children. Blake was racking his brain to remember the title of a video about some kids that were being chased by a bigfoot. I vaguely remember a christian series about a group of kids who were amateur detectives and I believe the bigfoot was someone in costume. Sadly my memory has failed me much to Blake's chagrin as he couldn't remember it either. I recalled a video we have of our oldest child singing bible songs as a three year old. Deep and Wide, Jesus Loves Me, This Little Light of Mine.......

That child is not here to share.

I loved reading of Micca and Pat putting God's word in the foundation of their house. We know there is such power in God's word what a wonderful way to begin a life in a new home.

Micca writes " A mom's most precious treasure is her family.....I can't think of anything in this world that I love more or would fight for more than my family.... Yet, we're not alone.

Many influences in this world are also fighting for control of our families."

Yes there are. Unfortunately in my family a terrible influence came while I was unaware and snatched up my oldest child. As I read this chapter I was tempted to get into defensive posture. After all, I did everything right. I prayed, I taught, I took them to sunday school, we prayed as a family, had weekly devotions as a family, learning biblical principals. I have Christmas scrapbooks filled with pictures of the children gathered around the creche during advent as we tried to point them to the true meaning of the season. Each Easter was a joyous time. Easter baskets lovingly filled with wholesome praise music, bible stories and games. Easter services at church followed by fellowship with good christian friends.

Yet, as I look back I can see that I did indeed let my guard down as he grew up, in fear of being too strict, too overbearing I believe I gave too much freedom. It was harder as they grew. The age difference from the oldest to the youngest proved a difficult barrier to group learning. Activities crowded our schedules. There were signs I didn't want to see, nor did my husband. We thought he would grow out of it. Surely it is just a phase.

Many of my close friends have encouraged me to not blame myself, "you are a good parent", "it was his choice" etc...

"Parents are not called to control their children. Controlling is a faulty method of parenting brought on by fear. You and I are to guard and guide our children by leaning on God as He, in turn guards and guides us in all wisdom."

Yes! It is when we step out of His daily presence that we can so easily fall into our own thinking, or victim of fear based parenting that usually does nothing more than drive them away.

God has been so good to me. Full of mercy and grace. He alone knows the depth of my heart. My desires, my failings. There is no fault, no blame. Only grace, forgiveness. My daily prayers now always include this "Oh Lord, please do not let this suffering be for naught, for Brett or for us".

While I can see the past mistakes more clearly, God has also been faithful to remind me of the foundation that was laid. The foundation that still stands.

The truth is that Brett as a young man,walked away from the loving God he knew from an early age. But, just like the parable of the lost sheep Jesus went after him and has brought him home.

I am sad that he is not with me here in my home but I rejoice that he is no longer lost! I know he is resting in the arms of his savior.

8 Things

2009-04-28T13:43:00.000-04:00

I found this over at my friend Stacy's blog. I'm not one to shy away from good wholesome fun so I thought I'd give it a try.

I don't have a lot of bloggy friends so like Stacy I will just say if you want to play consider yourself tagged.

It's really simple to play, just complete the 8 things. Oh and leave me a comment so I can visit your 8 things list.

8 Things I look forward to

1. Quiet time with God

2. My visits with Brett

3. It doesn't matter which one but I always look forward to watching my kids compete whether it is softball, track, or wrestling.

4. Having Lindly home from school

5. Each day when Paul comes home from work, after 25 years of marriage I can still say it is usually the highlight of my day

6. Chatting with my mom on the phone.

7. Spending time with friends.

8. Christmas time!

8 Things I did yesterday

1. Took Jack for a walk.

2. swept and mopped the floors.

3. Spoke with Brett on the phone.

4. Mailed two letters to the jail, one to Brett and one to Devon who refers to Brett as his brother from another mother, and addresses his letters to me mother Tina.

5. Organized and cleaned Blake's room for the millionth time in an effort to help him to be better organized.

6. Cleaned the litter box..... I hate this chore!

7. Made chicken quesadillas for dinner.

8. Ran into an acquaintance at the store who asked about Brett and told me she has been praying for him. An amazing thing happened, I was able to talk about it without crying!

8 Shows I watch

1. Heroes

2. Survivor

3. America's Next Top Model

4. Project Runway

5. Lost..... I have a love/hate relationship with this show. I really think they just totally make it up as they go along and there will be no suitable resolution once it comes to an end. I have sworn off of it several times but I never hold fast and keep getting sucked back in....

6. 24, this I watch with Paul and probably wouldn't watch if he didn't

7. The Amazing Race same as above

8. Depending on the subject matter I watch Oprah on occasion.

8 Movies I could watch over and over

1. Dances with Wolves

2. Sense and Sensibility

3. Emma

4. Gone with the Wind

5. Jane Eyre....... are we seeing a trend here??

6. In Her Shoes

7. The Princess Bride

8. Ever after

Friday Fill Ins

2009-04-17T23:53:00.000-04:00

For more Friday fill ins visit Janet at http://www.fridayfillins.blogspot.com/

1. Join me in rejoicing in a God who brings spring just when we so desperately need it!

2. Put a little prayer in your day!

3. Happiness is planting flowers in the spring time.

4. The reason I do crossword puzzles is because I am getting old and confused.

5. I'm waiting for a doberman puppy.

6. Chocolate is hard to resist.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to dinner with the fellas, tomorrow my plans include more yard work in the sun and Sunday, I want to worship God!

A Good Day

2009-04-17T19:54:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a good day

Bittersweet

It was Brett's 23rd birthday

No cake, no party, no family dinner

visiting hour

that's the bitter part

but the sweet

visiting hour

A smile

Hey momma, how was your day?

Watching him talk with his father, witnessing healing

Hearing about Pastor Jeff's visit earlier that day

remembering prayers for "strong godly men to come into his life"

A letter from an inmate needing someone to love him, abandoned by his family

Writing one back encouraging him to seek after God

Yesterday was a good day.

The Pressure's On: Chapter Four

2009-04-15T22:39:00.000-04:00

Micca's words are in red

I absolutely loved the section about God's body guards Goodness and Mercy!

I have spent some time in the 23rd Psalm recently. The Psalms are such a wonderful place to go when facing a trial. Whether that trial was brought on by your own sin, or circumstances beyond your control we find much mercy and grace amongst these beautiful verses of praise and lament.

The 23rd Psalm is probably the most famous of the Psalms. It speaks of God's infinite care of us. I loved the visual of Goodness and Mercy as body guards following me. All the days of my life even! Wonderful promise! No matter where I go(dark valley), no matter whoever else may be after me (the enemy) no matter my sin (pride, selfishness, self pity) They (Goodness and Mercy) will be there!

"When you're barely holding on, when you can't handle one more day of stress, when you can't parent those kids another minute, when you're about to blow - relying on God's Goodness and Mercy to show up will pacify your anxieties."

I can attest to that fact because there have been many, many days in my life recently when I have felt like I couldn't make it another day, when I barely had the energy or will to even get out of bed let alone care for my family. On those days time and time again I felt God's goodness. Sometimes in the form of a phone call and loving encouragement from a sister in Christ or a pretty card in the mail from a coworker at my old job. God's mercy came to my son through His word in a jail cell, it lifted him up and in doing so lifted me as well.

In the section about contentment I learned that a lack of contentment does not always have to do with things or possessions. I have all I need physically, a nice home, plenty of food, my health, I could go on and on. Yet emotionally, my family is in crisis. My oldest son is in jail facing a possible prison term. My three other children are bewildered in the wake of his drug addiction and crimes. Two of the three have written him letters and have forgiven him. The third is not speaking of it at all. The enemy has had his way with the oldest and in turn it has affected all of us. We are all scarred by recent events.

I had dreamt that at this time in our lives we would be enjoying an adult relationship with the oldest two. The oldest I assumed, would be graduated from college by now, his sister on her way to graduation. I was looking forward to spending more time with the younger two boys as their siblings were making their way in the world.

"You're not where you planned or hoped to be, and you certainly don't like it"

No, I don't like it one little bit!

"You don't have to like it, but if you will choose to thank God for His provisions regardless of your feelings toward them, you'll experience the same contentment Paul encountered.

This is true! Unfortunately I can't say it is true for me every day but I can say I am finding contentment more and more.

Ironically my son who is in jail has found himself very thankful for where he is. After his court hearing last week he shared with me a conversation he had with several of his cell mates. Whenever someone comes back from court the conversation is always filled with speculation about possible sentencing. There have been several who seem to think he will not get any prison time at all. I have encouraged him not to spend too much time dwelling there but to give it up to God that his will would be done. For we know that not one thing is outside of His sovereign control. Brett shared with his cell mates that he is happy that he was caught for he realizes that if not for his arrest he would most certainly be strung out on heroin today. He went on to talk about the truth that he had walked away from God before he ever tried drugs. As awful as his life has been, he has learned to praise God for it because through it he is once again walking with Him.

This truth rolls right into the next section "God Has Gone Ahead of You". What a wonderful testimony of how God impressed upon Micca's father to purchase life insurance.

Something I have shared before here on my blog bears sharing again now. God went ahead of me by denying our home equity loan. I was so disappointed at the time. I was looking forward to fixing up my dream home. Of course I had no way of knowing what the future held for me. Had we gotten the loan we would not have been able to refinance our mortgage. It was the refinance that has allowed me to quit my job. The money saved along with a timely raise for my husband equalled the amount I made with my part time job.

I'm sure if I had to work God would have equipped me to walk that path. That being said, I am so blessed that I have been able to spend this time here at home. The boys are in school and both have athletics afterwards so I have a lot of time during the day to be in bible study and prayer. I am here when they are here, I am able to take them where they need to go. One son has been open to talk about his brother. I am thankful for the opportunities we have had to talk about it. The other is a harder nut to crack, but I am praying for him and I have faith that God will bring healing in His time.

At first when my sister heard from my mom that I quit my job she was worried that I would fall into a pit and never get out. She thought I needed to stay busy, to keep my mind off of our circumstances. Maybe for some people that may have been the best course of action but for me I needed to be here, to be on my knees, at times on my face before God.

"God is aware of your needs and ready and willing to provide...."

Micca wraps up this chapter by encouraging us that "Regardless of the road you travel - Lonely Lane, Brokenhearted Boulevard, or Poverty Parkway - Goodness and Mercy will follow after you." Yes friends they will, Even a road littered with the evils of drugs. Goodness and Mercy have followed me on this road. They have held me up at times and shielded me from the snares left by the enemy. I could have easily fallen victim to the snare of judgement and condemnation of my son's girlfriend for she enabled him for a long time. Yet Mercy would not allow me to and God's Goodness has encouraged me to love her and pray for her.

I am hopeful for the future, my son is seeking God daily. I am able to visit him twice a week and we talk on the phone quite often. Knowing that Goodness and Mercy are following us is what enables us to find peace and contentment in this hard place that neither of us want to be.

Fashioned for Faith not Fear: Chapter Three

2009-04-08T15:47:00.000-04:00

The authors words are in red

In the section entitled Under God's Sheltering Wing Micca talks about how often instead of giving our fears to God we turn to other methods. "One false method is putting our confidence in self. This method teaches that the answer is within you. Find yourself, love yourself, and help yourself. You have the answer."

This may work just fine for the small troubles in life that just need to be weathered, but when the big storms come it is of little help. When facing a terminal disease, an unexpected death, or perhaps a debilitating accident many people find themselves unable to "pull themselves up by their bootstraps" to coin a popular phrase.

The truth is that when the big storms of life come they are generally not just brief downpours but long lasting hurricanes that can rage on and on, bringing with them a myriad of troubles.

I loved the psalm Micca quotes here " It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man." Psalm 118:8 Now good sound counsel from a loving brother or sister in Christ is one thing but too often people are quick to throw out "advice" without really praying over it.

I have a dear friend who is in the midst of several stormy situations. She loves the Lord with her whole heart and seeks Him regularly in bible study and church. She called me up last week to see if we could have lunch. I jumped at the chance since I have been a bit of a recluse lately (weathering my own storm). As I listened to her share her troubles my heart went out to her because there are no easy answers. I was somewhat aghast at some of the advice she has been given. It seemed clear to me that in one instance the advisors, though I believe they meant well had no idea of what she is really facing. They are a good twenty years younger than her and have yet to face the kind of trial she is in. They even used a scripture totally out of context to back up their opinion. She is weary and though they meant well all they managed to do was to open a door to doubt and fear that she has made a wrong decision. A decision that I fully believe was made out of love and is indeed a right one.

I encouraged her to take refuge in the LORD. Stacy from Soul Restoration had posted a wonderful excerpt from a study Charles Stanley did on the armor of God. I e-mailed it to my dear friend and have been praying for her. I am certain that she will find just what she needs as she takes refuge in the shadow of the Most High.

Just as Micca writes " Taking cover under God doesn't mean that our financial storm will suddenly dry up and the sun will come out. No sometimes the storms of life can go on and on. Yet God's grace is sufficient." Yes, I am learning that for sure. My storm is still raging, yet I have a peace now that I didn't have a month ago. I still have days when the rain seems to be coming down much harder than others. Yesterday was one of those days. I leaned on my Father, felt his love and woke up to a new day today.

There is just so much wisdom in this book! I underlined several things in the next section Casting Your Cares. I smiled when I read " We forget that God is painting on a large canvas. He sees the big picture. We only see what's happening to us at the moment. God may allow events to come into our lives - good things and bad things, things that make sense and things that don't. ..... What you and I may think is harmful, God is using for our good - to bring us to completion in godly conduct and character.

I smiled because recently my daughter and I were talking about how since our family's troubles were broadcast on the local evening news and then printed in the paper, many people who know us but aren't close enough to call or talk to us about it must be feeling so badly for us. On the surface it certainly looks awful. Yes it has been difficult, but my daughter and I see a bigger picture. We see that our Brett is no longer strung out on heroin. We see him seeking God every single day. We see our son, and brother who was lost but is now found.

I received a letter from him yesterday. A letter that made my heart sing. It is the first letter he has written me, since we talk on the phone regularly and I visit him twice a week there hasn't been much unsaid. None the less it was so wonderful to see his handwriting and read what is on his heart. He wrote " so much good has come out of this already, like my renewed walk with God, and our restored relationship." Yes!! God will not let our hardships destroy us. Though they may be tragic, He will use them for our good"

I remember early on as I encouraged Brett to go to the cross, I told him that I had no control. I told him that only God could help him. I also told him that I was determined that God would be glorified in my life regardless of his decisions. As those words came out of my mouth I realized that it was something I could only do by the power of the Holy Spirit. It is something I have been living day by day. I am thankful that Brett did decide to lay it all down at the foot of the cross. He has found forgiveness, mercy and grace. He, like me is living in the shadow of the Most High. The enemy has had a day here and there when he has gotten the better of me and I have given in to fear, thankfully those days are fewer and fewer.

For Brett, God has protected him in a mighty way. He does not live in fear and has even formed some friendships that God is working in. I have begun corresponding with a young marine who is in there with Brett. He is alone in the world, no letters or visits from family. I encouraged him to seek after God and filled my letter with God's word. I am praying that the seeds will grow into a saving faith for him. Reaching out to him in the love of Christ has lifted my soul.

Micca wraps up the that section by pointing us to Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. What a beautiful picture this paints for us. Life's troubles can surely become too heavy to bear. Jesus is waiting, wanting to carry them for us. If we would only give them over.

I found my soul

2009-04-05T22:49:00.000-04:00

This was a writing prompt from Seedlings in Stone that I began but didn't finish until recently. If you haven't spent time over there you should definitely go for a visit, it's such a cool place with much to offer. It is the blog of the author L.L. Barkat. A lovely woman full of grace and encouragement and awesome writing prompts for newbies like me.

I found my soul.....

backed into a dimly lit alley

sickly, malnourished, yet fierce...

There....

in between the shadows

I could see her ....

eyes flashing....... undaunted

The evil ones

they came at her

one

two

three at a time

with savage blows

they beat her down...

she bore each new blow with a determined stare

facing them, one by one

with calm defiance

I stood, mesmerized

watching

As her claws came out

Sharp teeth, ready to do battle

As she fought with a rage only a mother knows

a mother protecting her young

they left her

wounded, but not defeated

I watched her walk to a corner in the alley

a faint mew....

Her young one was safe

Go check out Paula

2009-04-05T14:48:00.000-04:00

One of my new blog friends Paula is having an awesome giveaway on her blog His ways are not our ways . I met Paula through the Say Yes to God Tuesdays study. The study as well as the insights found on the blogs of all these amazing christian women has been a life preserver to me in such a tremendous way! There is no way I could ever adequately share how deeply they have blessed me.

Their unconditional love and encouragement has been a touch from our Savior at a time I so desperately needed it.

So, go check it out :)

Beautiful Day

2009-04-03T18:47:00.000-04:00

What a glorious day

The sun showed up today

Flowers are everywhere and my trees are budding

Not much in my circumstances has changed

I'm still walking a long scary road full of unknowns

But.....

I know that when the sun goes down and the road gets dark

I am not alone

I am walking hand in hand with Jesus

He gave me a lamp

Just in case I get scared in the dark and let go of His hand

I will be able to find my way back

Psalm 119:105

Chapter 2 : The Fear Factor

2009-03-31T12:02:00.000-04:00

On to the second chapter of an untroubled heart by Micca Campbell. Anything is red is from the book.

I have to say my heart was lifted at hearing Micca's account of Jimmy's journey. He was a believer who although he had faith in God, he battled the fear of death. While it is true that "Worry, fear, and anxiety were never meant to be part of our vocabulary" It is none the less a very real part of our lives here on earth. We all have it and all struggle with it in some fashion.

Unfortunately during our lives there will come times of crisis, times when the battle with fear will go beyond the normal realm. It may be caused by an illness, loss of a job, or in my case the drug addiction and following incarceration of my son.

For Jimmy, his battle was brought on by his illness of diabetes. As his body deteriorated the inevitable confrontation with the unknown of death was most undoubtedly facing him every day. Fear gripped him. How gracious is our Heavenly Father to provide for Jimmy a godly wife and a loving believer in Micca to come and speak truth and love to him. "As I shared with Jimmy, peace washed over his face as he received the message for himself" "Fear not, for God is with you" As I said in my last post "the word of God is more than just good advice, it is the very power of God Himself". It is by God's power that those words brought peace and comfort to Jimmy.

Whenever we, in the love of God reach out to share his word with someone we are in effect sharing the power of God. Giving them a bit of Him. Fear does not come from God, it is a very powerful tool of the enemy. One he uses effectively to keep us from our Father. The bible teaches us that our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

Whether we like it or not we are in a spiritual battle as we walk the earth. But fear not! For our God has given us the tools to fight. If you read on in Ephesians it speaks of the armor of God. Very powerful stuff there! God is ever present and when He sees his children struggling he is faithful to send help. For Jimmy this was in the way of his wife and even Micca. What lifted my heart the most about this story was how Jimmy's wife shared of Jimmy's experience with angels. "Jimmy, are you afraid? No, I'm not afraid, I'm just looking at the angels"

Wow! just as Jimmy was facing the reality of the fear he had battled with God sent his heavenly angels to greet him. I got goose bumps as I read that. Jimmy was a real person just like you and me. Angels are real, I've never seen one (that I know of) but I know they exist. How wonderful and encouraging to know that in his darkest hour angels led the way home.

Because Jimmy saw the angels, I have seen the angels. Friends, let me tell you I need to see the angels! I am engaged in a battle with fear that is beyond anything I have faced in my life. I am a bit weary but I will tell you I am winning! I have my armor on, God is with me, I will continue to persevere. As I share my story here and with those God has brought into my life I pray that as I am able to achieve victory through the power of God some day someone else will hear of my battle and "see the angels".

I also liked the section labeled "Walking on Water" Micca talks about the eleven disciples who stayed in the boat. She wonders "did they live with regret?" we don't know but we do know that they "did miss an amazing opportunity to walk on water with Christ". I think that prior to this year I have been one like the eleven. Too often I have let fear keep me from really stepping out for Christ.

Today I have stepped out of the boat out of sheer necessity. When the storm began raging all about me I had no choice but to go to Christ or wallow in despair. I chose to look for Him. A couple of times I have stumbled and began to sink but He has reached out and lifted me up. It has been a painful trial but it has indeed been amazing!

Each day I get up ready to face whatever new challenge there is in store, and let me tell you, having a loved one in jail presents all kinds of challenges you wouldn't even think of. I know myself, and in that I know I would NOT be able to get through my days without leaning firmly on Him. That is what is amazing!

There is so much more in this chapter, I will be re-reading it tonight and I look forward to hearing what everyone else gleaned from it. These were the things that really spoke to and lifted me.

When the Unthinkable Happens

2009-03-27T15:50:00.000-04:00

Anything in red is from the book

I am so late with my post!! I am looking forward to hearing how everyone else was impacted by this chapter. It truly is a blessing to see God working in each of your lives, I am blessed to be part of this group.

As I read how she met and fell in love with Porter I was struck with the similarities in my own life. I was very young when I met my husband. (19) I also have memories of long rides on the back of Paul's motorcycle with the wind in my hair, arms firmly locked around his waist, we drove all over the island usually settling by a beautiful beach to talk for hours. We laughed and planned our life together. It was a blessed time.

Like Micca and Porter, Paul and I didn't have much in the way of money when we first started out. We were fine with that, we had each other. We played board games, Parchesi, trivial pursuit, oh and the game show "name that tune" was one of our favorites I remember how we would watch it while we prepared dinner. Just two months shy of our second anniversary God blessed us with a baby boy. We were a family!

As I went back in my mind to those early care free days I shuddered to think of how I would have handled a tragedy such as she was forced to endure.

She writes "in my minds eye, I burst through the door to the throne room of grace, shook my fist in the face of God, and boldly questioned, "WHY - why did you do this to me? You could have saved him! You're God! Why did you give me that baby and take his father? Oh God I need to know why?

God is faithful and loves us with an everlasting love. He truly is our Heavenly Father, just as a loving earthly father would have done He rushed to Micca and as she writes "I didn't see Him with my eyes or touch Him with my hands, but I felt His presence consume me as if God poured Himself over my entire body. God is real and ever present, always waiting for us to turn to Him.

I always love to hear testimony of how God ministers through his word. Micca shared how a passage from Psalm 139 ministered to her. God's word is more than just good advice and wise stories of righteousness. It is the very power of God Himself!

Amazing how a book that was written over the course of 1500 years by over thirty different authors about so many many different subjects can today be so relevant, so powerful in the lives of man.

I have a stack of index cards with bible verses written on them. I wrote them down because there were just so many coming to me as I so desperately needed to hear from God.

Early this year my dream life, much like Micca's, became a living nightmare. Not through the loss of a loved one but through the drug use and addiction of my oldest son. That precious boy God blessed us with almost 23 years ago. In the course of a little less than a month I learned that he was addicted to heroin, he stole from us and his girlfriend to pay for his habit, he at first wanted help to go to rehab. He detoxed here with us while my husband and I took shifts watching him 24 hours a day for four days. Then he walked out of our home back to his drugs only to be arrested two weeks later trying to hold up a pharmacy with a fake bomb around his neck. The swat team was called and he was arrested. The story of his robbery attempt was broadcast on our local news station complete with his mug shot.

I can imagine that for most moms learning that your child is addicted to heroin probably rates pretty high on the "I could never handle that" chart. Truth be told I can't handle it at all. Like Micca I had my time of shouting Why?? How did this happen?? Why didn't you answer my prayers to break the hold drugs had on his life?? I prayed for years!!

In my flesh I am so weak. After I wailed and screamed at God I just wanted to run away, sleep, hide and at times just die. This problem is too big for me.

The good news is this problem is not just for me to carry, I am not alone. God has been with me every painful step of the way. He is weaving a story of mercy and grace among the pain and heartache that is amazing to behold. The index cards are His messages to me, he has used so many different people and avenues to send them.

Friends, blogs of women I have never met, T.V. preachers, and sometimes I just happened to open the bible to a particular page that had a specific verse underlined coincidence?? no. Oh and of course this amazing online book/bible study! His ways are so above our ways.

The timing of this book is also part of his sovereign plan. I see myself walking on the water with Jesus, like Peter I have had my days when I looked at the waves, some are just so big! The water is deep and full of fear, the enemy has been close by. At times I have been overwhelmed with sorrow, guilt and regret at things not done, not seen. Jesus has been faithful to call me to himself, to remind me of His power over the water. So my eyes are on him and I continue to put one foot in front of the other.

I am praying about starting a separate blog to record all that has happened. Several people have asked me this week if I have been doing that. I have shared bits and pieces here but have yet to tell the whole story. Partly because we are still in the midst of it. As I told a friend this morning we will wait and see what mighty things our mighty God will do. I know He will give me the strength and wisdom to share it when the time is right. For now I am doing my best to be faithful to seek Him in his word each day.

Lift Up : Praise the Lord, O My Soul

2009-03-17T17:59:00.000-04:00

The last chapter of Jennifer Rothschild's "Self Talk, Soul Talk" has us shift our focus.

She first has us examine our hearts. I have to say I loved her honesty in the story about the lab tech who asked about Beth Moore.

She quotes Helen Keller "Many people have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose"

She then prompts us to open the door of our thought closets to look inside. What consumes your thoughts? When you have an idle moment, where do your thoughts wander? When you talk to yourself, what are you usually saying? This is to help us determine what we consider a worthy purpose.

The large majority of my adult life has been characterized by motherhood. Four children in 8 years. I have joked about the mini mid life crisis I had when I turned 35.

I had the first of my four children when i was 21 and the last when i was 29. All through my twenties my life was consumed with babies and small children. I was either pregnant, just out of pregnancy or thinking about getting pregnant again.

I awoke one day and said to myself "where did my twenties go?" I promptly went out and got my belly button pierced and eventually got a tattoo. This made me feel much better.

I realize now that the reason I had missed my twenties slipping away is that I was consumed with caring for our children, building our family. A worthy purpose!

I recall being very happy for the better part of my twenties, (minus an extended cruise my navy husband had to take in which he missed the birth and first three months of our daughters life.) For life then was filled to the brim with children, ministry, and fellowship. God had blessed me with another navy wife who was a christian. We shared our parenting challenges, our hopes and dreams for our children our sorrow over our oft missing husbands. She looked out for me and I looked out for her.

Oh for that time in my life!

Now as I look into my thought closet I see ....

My son, heroin addict. Jail. An uncertain future. Penitentiary? Along side of that is the collateral damage. My family, my husband, daughter, the boys.

Certainly he is a worthy purpose. Interceding for him through prayer, encouraging him, visiting him. The problem comes when I focus on the pain all of this brings to me, my sorrow over his mistakes, my fear, worry, etc...

I remember telling Brett once, I can no longer allow your life to dictate MY happiness.

How do I do that?

I think here in this chapter is the answer. I must get the focus off of myself.

I don't think there will ever be a day that my child's pain will not bring a certain degree of suffering, but I do believe that if my eyes are firmly fixed on the Father there will be a hedge of protection and comfort that will extend through any hardship that may come.

Jennifer quotes Dag Hammarskjold "When we lift up God, we open the door of our inmost being to that warm, steady, beautiful radiance. Lift up the Lord, Honor Hid name, give Him praise, sing in concert with the angels, and a little bit of heaven rubs off on you."

If ever I needed a bit of heaven it is now.

Someday

2009-03-15T01:17:00.000-04:00

Wake up

Get out of bed

Get dressed

Pray

make the bed

Don't cry

Pray

Seek God in His word

laundry

talk to mom

Pray

Cry

Pray some more...

This is my life

the thing is....

many mornings, I don't want to get out of bed

I want to lie in my tears and go back to sleep

but not really....

what I really want is....

For Brett to come walking through the door saying hey momma what's up?

To find a sunny spot in my yard to plant a garden

To play with my crazy little Jack

To cook healthy for the two athletes I have that work so hard

To get involved in ministry

To share the gospel with the broken and the lost

I want my old life back......

It was easy

What I am learning though is...

That was then and this is now...

Easy isn't always best

Back then I didn't see Jesus like I see him now

I didn't yearn for the prompting of the Holy Spirit like I do now

I didn't seek God the Father in his word like I do now

I didn't desire to share this amazing Grace that I live in like I do now

Even though sometimes when I wake up I just want cry and go back to sleep

God gently nudges me out of bed so I can

Get dressed

make the bed

pray.......

and hopefully some day soon by his power

I will have a new life,"new and improved"

and

I will be able to do more

Momma

2009-03-11T17:23:00.000-04:00

Momma, mommy, mom, Ma, Mother, or Muther (insert sarcastic indignation here)

Depending on the day the child is having I can be addressed many different ways. I remember my first. Sitting with him, staring down at those big brown eyes pulling him close, kissing his warm baby head, Oh the smell of a newborn baby

wondering...

what will he be like when he grows up? How will his voice sound? Aching for the day I first hear "mommy"

Be careful what you wish for...

Soon enough I had a chorus of mommy's.

Three children followed the first and as the wife of a navy man deployed often it was always.......

"Mommy!"

Mommy he's touching me!!

Mommy make the boys leave my room!!

Mommy can we have ice cream?

Mommy she's looking out my window! (a favorite in the van)

Mommy make them be quiet!!

I am almost ashamed to admit that there were days when I just wanted to put in ear plugs and hide!

On those days I would take myself back to that moment on the sofa with the firstborn, before the chaos and remember .........

Two of the four are grown now and the other two are close behind.

I never hear the name "mommy" anymore.

These days it's always just hey mom,

Hey mom, can Alex come over?

Hey mom, can we get fast food tonight?

Hey mom, where are my shoes?

Hey mom, can you pick me up from school?

except for that first born.....

He still calls me momma

My heart aches to hear it......

even from a jail cell

I love you too momma.....

Chapter 10 Press On: March On O My Soul

2009-03-10T21:56:00.000-04:00

The title of this chapter is something I have been saying every day for quite awhile now.

Sadly there are many days that I just don't want to get out of bed. In the section of this chapter titled Turn your feelings into Action Jennifer writes " Steady, small actions will slowly reduce the big feeling that is paralyzing you. All feelings are real, but they aren't all based on reality, and they certainly aren't all productive!" She encourages us to do something, even if it seems small, inconsequential. It may seem silly but it works!

Get up, get dressed, make the bed. Tasks that used to be effortless can become monumental. If you just take it one step at a time pretty soon you will be moving through your day rather than sitting motionless paralyzed by emotion in the bed or on the couch.

I so loved what Jennifer said about affirming your true identity Don't let feelings define you; let who you are define your feelings. Powerful words for an emotional gal like me! I have always had a flair for the dramatic. "Oh Tina don't be so dramatic" My mothers words in purple here!

I cry easily, always have. I cry when I am happy, I cry when I am angry, I cry when I am sad. I think in many ways that quality has served me well. I am usually an even keeled person.

Emotions do not have time to sit around in my mind and heart, they come and they are processed and laughed, fumed, or often times cried out. This is fine for your every day normal highs and lows.

Unfortunately my days are far from normal. I am finding it somewhat difficult to manage the emotions that have come with my new kind of normal. So many unknowns, so many what ifs.

I must remember that I am who I am in Jesus Christ and I am not defined by the many feelings I am assailed with. Those feelings, those emotions are not stable, not reliable.

He is the same yesterday today and tomorrow and He has promised to never leave me. Now that is something I can hold on to.

So for me I will try my best to Speak Truth to My Soul.

I loved the quote by Walter Elliott

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races, one after another."

This is good because the thought of a long race is daunting but a short race, I can do that.

Today was a bad day for me, not much singing going on here. Tomorrow is a new day and I will get up, I will get out of bed, and I will press on. Maybe I will even try to sing a bit.

Chill Out: Be at Rest, O my Soul

2009-03-06T14:14:00.000-05:00

this is really late, better late than never I always say (spoken by a true procrastinator)

In chapter nine of Self Talk Soul Talk the author Jennifer Rothschild talks about the importance of rest for ourselves, physically and spiritually.

What wonderful confirmation this chapter has been for me!

Her words are in red. She writes "when we are physically and emotionally spent and worn, we become susceptible to the enemy's attack. We become easy targets, sitting ducks. Our enemy attacks us with despair, depression, illness, impatience and myriad other maladies. all results of a fatigued soul and body. Speaking rest to our souls is critical."

Boy don't I know it!! For the past seven weeks I have been in the midst of a storm the likes of which I have never seen and honestly hope to never see again.

I loved the teaching in Genesis that "Each of the six days of creation clearly had a beginning and an end; evening and morning. But the seventh day, the day God rested, was different. The Bible records no beginning and no end of that day" (Genesis 2:2-3)

In other words, God did not begin to rest, nor did He cease to rest. Ancient rabbinic scholars believed this was because the nature of God is eternal rest.

You see, rest isn't just what God did. Rest is who God is."

WOW! Yes!

Many people I have spoken to in recent days have made comments to me like "I don't know how you are doing this" or "you are so strong". The truth is I am not doing this, and I am not strong at all (actually if truth be told I am rather wimpy). God is my strength and my rest.

Several months ago my husband and I applied for a home equity loan hoping to do some home improvement projects. We were denied, our home assessed too low due to the failing real estate market. We were disappointed. At the time I was working part time. Since then several life changing events have taken place that have shook the foundations of our family to the core. I made the decision to not return to work so I could spend more time here with the boys and before God in prayer. We were able to refinance our home mortgage and the money saved through that combined with a timely raise in my husbands salary has equalled the amount my part time job brought in.

Coincidence? I don't think so.

God in his sovereignty has made it possible for me to rest, plain and simple.

He is good!

Friday Fill Ins

2009-02-27T15:39:00.000-05:00

A few of my new bloggy friends have been doing these Friday fill ins, I really enjoy reading their posts so I thought I'd give it a try

I'm happy it's warm outside, I'm ready for spring, I wish it was here to stay.

Why do I have a big chest on a skinny body that leads people to think that I've been surgically enhanced even though that is something I would never ever do and not that there is something terribly wrong with it even though I wouldn't do it personally?

How does this webcam work anyway?

Every morning I put my tired old sweats on my tired old body.

I consider myself lucky because the love of my life is walking hand in hand with me through a horrible storm and he doesn't even complain when he comes home and I am still in my tired old sweats because he knows they are comfort.

One day we'll see with clarity the mighty things our mighty God has done through the storms in our lives.

As for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to visiting Brett, tomorrow my plans include watching Blake run the mile and the two mile at the Virginia High School League State Championships, and Sunday I want to cheer Joel on as he wrestles for the Freshman State Championship.

Faith

2009-02-26T18:14:00.000-05:00

So strong, so big

yet in a moment

so tiny

desperately needed

longed for

dark, ominous thoughts

filter in to

chase it away

until.......

words come

words that live

words that give life

Once again

it is mine to hold on to

faith

Look Back: Forget not His Benefits, O My Soul

2009-02-25T10:49:00.000-05:00

This chapter was very timely for me. I have spent quite a bit of time looking back recently. Jennifer writes "Remembering is essential to the health of our souls." I thought aha! good for me!

I loved the analogy of our thought closets being like libraries! Just like a real library I can see my thought closet in sections "the childrens section" Oh how fortunate I am that I had a wonderful blessed childhood. I grew up on an air force base near Fairbanks Alaska. So many wonderful memories. Making snow angels while looking up in wonder at the beautiful Northern Lights. Christmas was always white! Even now as I contemplate this chapter and remember my childhood I am flooded with love and gratitude for this gift from my heavenly Father. My childhood will always be a book to pull from the shelf when I need a healthy dose of happiness.

I would be lying if I did not say that I wished there were only joyful wondrous memories to be found in my thought closet. Alas there are many painful, even agonizing memories to be found alongside the northern lights. " The painful memory is profitable because it adds to my personal peace. It reassures me that I can trust God if another difficulty comes into my life."

This is a great encouragement that I need to dwell on, since my life recently has been full of painful difficult memories. Even yesterday I found myself reflecting on the terrible days that followed my son's arrest. Instead of focusing on the pain I found myself praising God for carrying me through. ...because in those dark, difficult places, we often become more deeply acquainted with the good and comforting presence of God. Yes we do! I am living proof, I am right in the middle of a dark difficult place and I can truthfully say I have never before felt the presence of God in such a mighty way!

My good friend Liz got me started on journaling years ago, I am so thankful for the wonderful advice to try it because now I have pages and pages of prayers that I have written out over the years to look back on. This helps me in so many ways. It helps me to remember the many answers to prayer. It also helps me for the prayers that have not yet been answered. It causes me to want to persevere as I know God is faithful to hear and answer me. My timeline is not His.

In the last section of this chapter I had to laugh when I read the account of Jennifer's friend Alicia's late husband. I too have "spent five years of emotional energy mourning the death of a man who was stuck in traffic" How silly I felt when he came walking through the door!

I can say that I totally agree with her in that it is never beneficial to dwell on what may happen, even if it is somewhat of a possibility. I used to worry that I would see my son on the evening news. Unfortunately there came a day that indeed he was on our local evening news. God spared me from actually seeing the news story. Did my worry change anything? No, it but it did rob me of peace many, many times. Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own"

I will forge ahead while from time to time pulling books off the shelves in my thought closet. Books of joy, some of pain, some of peace. Hopefully I will learn from each the lessons God has for me. Lessons that will mold me and make me a better servant in His kingdom.

What God has shown me

2009-02-23T11:09:00.000-05:00

We are half - hearted creatures,

fooling about with drink and sex and ambition

when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child

who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum

because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer

of a holiday at the sea.

We are far too easily pleased.

C.S. Lewis

This was the meditation in our worship bulletin this weekend.

Quite profound!

When I think of my life just a few short months ago I can't help but see myself as that child making mud pies.

Content with the knowledge of my salvation yet too busy with the mud to see beyond the grace that has been given me to the possibilities of daily life walking hand in hand with my savior on the shore basking in the warmth of his love, secure in His safekeeping.

My prayer is that never again will I be content in the mud.

Calm Down: I Have Stilled and Quieted My Soul

2009-02-19T10:27:00.000-05:00

God's timing is so perfect. As I looked at the title of this chapter I smiled. I would change the wording just a bit "He has stilled and quieted my soul".

When I am weak He is strong. The peace I have today is of Him, there is no doubt about it. This morning before I began my devotional time I perused my prayer journal entries of the last four weeks. Pain, bewilderment, confusion, desperation, these are but a few of the emotions that are spilled out across the pages of my journal. Yet today I have a peace that belies what has been written.

Philippians 4:7

And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus

Jennifer writes "Experiencing real shalom seems nearly impossible in our chaotic lives" Isn't THAT the truth! Of course it is nearly impossible not totally impossible.

She goes on to tell us that "Before we can really appreciate the source of peace, we need to acknowledge why we have angry, smoldering embers in our thought closets to begin with. We must identify the source of our anger"

Once again I find myself a bit ad odds with this study. As I look into my thought closet I don't see anger. What I do see is fear and doubt. This terrible duo can be just as destructive as anger so I found that as I continued in this chapter the truth of God is just as effective against them as anger.

It was not hard at all to identify the source of my fear and doubt. His name is Brett, I love him with all that I am. He is the oldest of my four children. He is in jail. I have absolutely NO control over him or the outcome of his trial.

What I DO have control over is:

my own attitude

my responses to circumstances

my choice to seek God

my determination to be still before God

my choice to acknowledge that He is God and we are not!

In my book I circled something on page 105 and I wrote next to it Lindly.

The text is a bible verse "Be still and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10)

At a moment of utter weakness and despair my precious daughter sent me a link to a youtube video of Steven Curtis Chapman's song of the same name. I felt as if Jesus himself had come down from the throne room of heaven to give me that message. I took it in and spoke it to my thought closet. The result was peace and sleep that evening. Both of those things had been eluding me up until then.

Of the three Washouts on the Path to Peace that Jennifer mentions I will say that the most difficult for me has been A Negative Mind -Set

She writes "Some things in life are simply hard. We don't like them, we don't want them, but we have to deal with them anyway." So true! We can deal with them in our own power and be scorched with the flames of anger or beat down by despair or we can seek God and speak His words of peace into our thought closets which will enable us to overcome even the hardest things in life!

JOY!!

2009-02-13T23:02:00.000-05:00

I will post more coherently tomorrow. But for now I must Praise God!!

I Praise Him for His faithfulness! For His mercy! and His grace!

I sat in a jail visiting room this evening and heard my lost boy praise God!

He actually said he is happier than he has ever been!

Only the power of God could do that!!

Three weeks ago as he left my home I told him that I would rather see him in jail than living fine and doing drugs.

Well my friends he is indeed in jail but I will sleep well tonight because I know that my mighty God is with him.

Romans 8: 37 - 39

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Look Up: Hope in God My Soul

2009-02-12T15:09:00.000-05:00

So, on to chapter six. I had to laugh at myself when I pulled out the book to read this chapter. I missed out on the last book but did enjoy reading the insights of other bloggers. So it was with much anticipation that I looked forward to finding out what the next book would be as I had determined that I would get it and jump in.

I was initially disappointed. I thought to myself, "I don't really struggle with negative soul talk". Truth is, I had not. At the time I purchased the book I had been doing my best to stock my soul closet with positive thinking. Of course there is no way I could have known the trial I would be facing. In fact I am so glad I did not know for the knowing surely would have debilitated me.

I have shared before that my son has been in a battle with drugs for some time now. One of the things I have said many times about him is "he takes three steps forward and seven back". This has been his struggle.

In the past four and a half years he has had periods where his drug use was minimal or even non existent. I have prayed countless times for his deliverance. For God to send strong christian fellowship into his life, for him to surrender his heart to God. Oh the heartache in my prayers.

Over the past three months his drug use had escalated to include heroin. I had no idea for drug addicts are masters at deception. I knew something was amiss and had began to ask God to reveal the truth to me. Ever faithful God did indeed reveal the truth. The pain of that revelation was more than I could bear! It propelled my husband and I into actions that eventually led to a tragic event that has landed him in jail facing a most probable prison term. The last thing I said to him before he left my house is "I would rather see you in prison than to turn you over to drugs". Two weeks went by before we learned of his actions and fate.

Those two weeks were riddled with agony, tears and despair, eventually displaced by hope. Just when I was beginning to live in hope I received the news that he was in jail. The weight of this news sent my "table" crashing down!

Thankfully my table managed the weight long enough for me to visit him in jail. God bless two of my dearest friends who came alongside to enable me to be there for him. One of them actually saw the local news story about it and called to see if I was alright. Poor gal, she did not want to be the one to tell me but I am eternally grateful to have heard such awful news from a dear friend than to have seen it on T.V.

She stayed with my other two boys and ordered pizza for them while my other friend drove me to the jail. I prayed my way there and mustered up every bit of mother love I have to pour out to my boy once I got there. Just like on T.V. there he sat on the other side of a jail window. I picked up the phone to talk to him . I hardly remember what was said besides I love you, your heavenly father loves you as well with a more perfect love than I. Run to him now! I told him that I would never give up on him and that we would do everything in our power to help him.

When I came home I was numb, my husband was still in Las Vegas on a business trip. Thankfully he was due home early the next morning.

When I say my table collapsed I mean it did in each way. My emotional leg was in a whirlwind. Every evil depiction of prison life that I had ever seen came back to torment me. Physically I was nauseous all night long, my head ached. Mentally I couldn't think straight, and spiritually I was a picture of despair. I was physically exhausted but sleep evaded me. I did manage a few hours of fitful sleep. At 2:30 am I woke for the third time and reached out for my bible and began to do some serious soul talking through the psalms. The Holy Spirit led me right to Psalm 119. All 176 verses of it.

This was the beginning of repairing my table. I have been living my life daily seeking His glorious words to stock my soul closet with. I have taken to writing verses down on index cards, there have been so many that have sustained me and kept me from despair. Jennifer writes in this chapter "I have hope even in blindness because I choose to always believe in the goodness of God. It is not a once and forever choice. Its a choice I make day by day"

Yes it is! I am making it as well. As I said when I began this post I had to laugh at myself. I do not know what I need but thank God my heavenly Father does and he meets those needs daily, sometimes minute by minute. When I looked over the passages at the end of this chapter I saw that several were oh so familiar as God has given them to me recently.

I have been hesitant to share the details of my story because it is so dark but my prayer is that God would be glorified in this tragedy. He cannot be glorified if I hide away.

So dear sisters please pray for us and know that as 1 John 4:4 states "because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world"

Mother Love

2009-02-07T12:40:00.000-05:00

My dearest boy

Oh that my love could sprout wings

It would fly to you now and hold you so tight

It would scoop you up and fly you far far away

To a time long ago when the moon was a cookie

and you were my love

alas my dear there are no wings

but my love is real it is strong

and if you look into your heart you will see it, feel it, know it

For you are my son, my precious one and I carry your love with me and you mine

The Journey

2009-02-03T15:45:00.000-05:00

I started to say I stumbled across this wonderful blog but then realized there was no stumbling.

As I am learning to walk this new life of pain and waiting I am steadily seeking God. He is so good, so faithful! He has led me to such wisdom and love in so many blogs. I have been especially blessed by this one "Seedlings in Stone"

The author L.L. Barkat proposed a writers challenge, I thought I'd try it so here it is.

I close my eyes and I can still see...

The Homecoming

Tires crunch against tiny rocks

ears like minutemen jump to attention

clinking jangling keys set a tail in motion

with one swift twist levers give way

the knob turns as the door opens

licking, wagging, jumping, barking, yelping

dust and fur float through the air

highlighted by the setting sun streaming through the kitchen window

kicked up by happy paws and work boots

welcome home my friend I've missed you

Chapter Five: Awake My Soul

2009-02-03T11:25:00.000-05:00

Distractions and a roaring lion.

I have to say I don't have too many distractions these days. I can relate to days past but for the present I am only dealing with the lion.

I thought I was alert, careful. Yet here he is, roaring for all he is right at my front door.

Unfortunately I am acquainted with him. I remember years ago when he came for me. The circumstances of my life could not have been more different than they are now. He came just the same.

He came saying all kinds of ugly things, things that for too long I took onto myself and stuffed into my closet.

At the time I was a young girl armed only with my salvation in Christ. I had not grown up attending church or bible study to learn how to fully arm myself. I did however have the "helmet of salvation" and the "sword of the spirit".

I look back on that time with clarity now.

As I was in the midst, there were dark times. Times of fear, contemplations of suicide, self destruction. Yet there were also many expressions of God's unconditional love for me. My mother who steadfastly prayed for me. Friends who came alongside and loved me. There was also a time of oppression that I believe I heard almost audibly the voice of the Holy Spirit protecting me. It was not too long after that when God worked circumstances to bring Paul to me.

He was the beginning of God's calling me to Himself. Paul was a born again believer in Jesus. Unlike me he had enjoyed years of teaching, and growth. He was a solid young man.

How he fell in love with me has been a mystery to me for many years. I used to tell him that God gave him rose colored glasses that he wears only when he looks at me.

My love for Paul was good, it was from God. His love for me was also. The lion was still there. Suddenly his roars were ineffective. They held no power over the love God had blessed me with. In time he left.

There was a time years later when he showed up so unexpectedly. At first as he caught me off guard the roars were loud!! This time was different though. I had armor,

Ephesians 6: 14-17

"Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God."

I used it. Quickly the roars were snuffed out. God gave me a beautiful picture afterwards.

I was in a tremendous castle with a door fifty feet tall. I could hear pounding but it was faint because of the width of the door. I was safe.

I am still safe.

Be

2009-02-02T23:44:00.000-05:00

breathing

living

being

wake up

live

hang on

light

i cannot see

BELIEVE

wake up

live

Chapter four: Speaking Truth to Your Issues

2009-01-27T09:10:00.000-05:00

This woman had a single, insurmountable issue, and she had endured it for 12 long years. It had challenged her physically, strained her emotionally, drained her financially, and ostracized her socially.

I read those words and realized how very much I have in common with this woman. I too have a single insurmountable issue. While I haven't had it for 12 years I have had it for almost five. It has also challenged me physically, emotionally, and just recently financially, and sadly it has also caused me to a certain degree to pull away from society.

Mark 5:26 "She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse"

Just yesterday as I was perusing old prayer journals I was struck by just how long and hard I have been praying for my "issue". Yet my prayers have not yet been answered and my issue continues to get "worse".

So, what to do?

What do you do when your issue is bigger than you, is not getting any better despite years of prayer and seems to have the potential to destroy you?

You do what the woman in the story did. You reach out for Jesus!

I wonder if in the early years of her problem she was struggling with a closet full of negative self loathing soul talk? The story does not tell us. We do see though that she did speak faith to herself which propelled her to Christ and ultimately to healing.

I like that Jennifer points out that Jesus never said her soul talk made her well. He said it was her faith. Her faith invited healing.

By faith we receive truth. By faith we believe truth. And by faith we act on that truth.

When we place our trust in Christ,when we have faith in Him, He gives us the gift of His Spirit to help us in this life.

As I read about the four roles of the Spirit I was struck by the last one she mentions.

God's Spirit Reminds us of Truth.

As I have alluded to earlier I am in the midst of a terrible family crisis. I have spent the better part of each of the last 14 days in prayer. There have been days when I don't think more than 10 minutes have gone by without a plea to God.

While I can see God's hand upon my family I also see the effects of pure evil. The enemy is real and has come to my family. A battle is raging.

The day after my son left I could hardly function. I spent the day crying out to God, crying for my lost boy. There are no words for the depth of my pain on that day.

The Holy Spirit reminded me

"The Lord draws near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"

Psalm 34:18

In my agony fear tried to creep into my heart and as I opened my bible it fell open to

1 Samuel 17:47

I had underlined that verse years ago, I suspect during a sermon or bible study. I really can't remember as it is the only verse underlined on that page.

All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lords and he will give all of you into our hands

For the battle is the Lords!!

Yes the Holy Spirit reminds us of the truth.

I so completely believe that yes we must speak truth to ourselves and engage in good healthy soul talk and I will continue to endeavor to do just that......

but..

Isn't it glorious to know that when there are times that we are just too weary or just too hurt to speak truth to ourselves the Holy Spirit is faithful to speak to us.

The waiting

2009-01-26T10:33:00.000-05:00

Morning dawns a new day

The sun unfolds rays of brilliant light as I gaze across the yard

My forehead pressed against the glass

looking for footprints long gone...

Birds sing sweetly

children are laughing, playing

Yet somehow....

there is no warmth from the sun

the brilliant rays are suddenly dim

The sweet songs from the birds are sad to me now

I strain to hear the laughter but I cannot.....

My boy is lost

suffering

2009-01-22T09:00:00.000-05:00

sleep.....it won't come

My eyes are so heavy, my soul aches within me

there is no solace

Only waiting

Chapter 2 Renewing Your Thought Closet

2009-01-13T07:47:00.000-05:00

So it has taken me a bit to get ahold of my closet.

As I read the first chapter (I didn't post because I got the book late and rather than start behind I figured I'd just jump in on track) I found myself thinking I really don't need this study.

Today I realized that of course I need this study. Although I came to another realization and that is my thought closet is quite a mess (so similiar to my actual clothes closet ironically). My life is not very "normal" these days. While I am open to the possibility that it may very well morph into a new kind of normal for me, I really don't want that to happen.

The reason I characterize my life as "not normal" is that I am in the midst of crisis with one of my children. My oldest child has been in and out of crisis for about 5 years now and I have been in and out right along with him. At times willingly and others grudgingly but always undeniably. Tied to him as he struggles with drug addiction and rebellion.

So you can imagine the effect the recent years have had on my closet. When I first began to read the book I mostly read from the viewpoint of Tina. Not Tina wife, mom, daughter or friend or even Tina mom to wayward boy. It was from that vantage point of just Tina that I began to think "hmmm this book is not for me" I looked in the closet for condemning talk, negative talk. Nope, none of that in there.

I decided to continue on regardless of what I would or wouldn't find in the closet. This morning after reading the second chapter and the line "Each of us has things in our thought closets that we wish weren't there" I realized that indeed I do have some very negative things in my thought closet. Only these days it seems like mine completely revolve around my son. thoughts like "He may never turn from drugs" It is not only possible but highly likely that he will become a statistic"

Recently I have begun to try to encourage him by telling him that his actions and his life as it is now "are not who he is". So soon after offering those words to my precious son did I hear "maybe that IS who he is"

Along with these terribly scary thoughts come the memory of every sad story of a life cut short by drugs I have ever seen on television or read of in a magazine or newspaper. My thought closet can be a very dark foreboding place these days. Oh how I wish those thoughts weren't there!!

So, as I look in the closet the only thing I see are some cold hard truths. All of those things I just mentioned are indeed true. Truths I don't want to hear. Jennifer writes "You can't remove those hurtful thoughts, words, and memories, but by the power of God, you can drain them of their potential control over you"

Hallelujah!!

One of my fervent prayers over these last few years has been for wisdom. I do believe God has been faithfully answering that prayer. I have not often felt at a loss of what to do but have more often just struggled with the pain of the situation. Obviously much of the struggle comes with my thought life.

Just because something is true does not mean I need to dwell on it. "Wise and truthful words are never wimpy or without power. They have authority. I believe it is time for me to do some serious relabeling.

Bummer

2009-01-11T23:58:00.000-05:00

So, I'm upstairs in my room getting ready to tackle some cleaning when I hear a LOUD unidentifiable noise.

The noise is followed by an even louder noise which turns out to be Paul yelling at Blake.

upon investigation I discovered that Blake has inadvertantly wrecked my car.

Yes, my way cool 2007 blue Nissan Altima. You know.....the one that makes me feel like a rock star every time I drive it. Even though deep down I know rock stars don't drive Altimas

It seems as though when he parked the car he felt it was too close to Pauls car so he tried to back out and re-park to give himself more room and in doing so he got too close to the garage door and it hooked the bumper. Why he continued backing out once he heard the noise is unknown at this point.

Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars.

As you can imagine it took Paul the rest of the evening to calm down, not without first berating Blake, ranting, snapping at me and fuming for a time. I don't suppose he will sleep well tonight. Even though I am happy to report he did manage to take a break from his snit to talk to Blake once I let him know that he (Blake) was pretty busted up over it.

Why is it that men (or maybe its just my man) get so torqued up over stuff like this?

Broken cars, leaky washers, football?

Yet, life issues like wayward boys, teen rebellion, and the general angst that comes with raising kids seem to just roll off them like water off a duck's back?

Its just a car, it will get fixed.

No malice, he wasn't speeding, driving while texting, or doing any number of stupid things kids his age are prone to do that cause accidents thank God.

No catastrophe..... just a bummer.

Over zealous sports fans

2008-12-28T14:20:00.000-05:00

My pastor recently confessed few areas of weakness that he struggles with

Even though he prefaced his statement by asking us to take it seriously a few did laugh a bit when he said he is an over zealous sports fan. Specifically Virgina Tech football! The laughter came from the common knowledge of his zeal for his Alma mater. While not a sin most folks would classify as serious he went on to point out that if you are still elated or bummed (whichever the case may be) several days after the sporting event that perhaps there may be a problem there. I admit this did cause me to give my husband a sideways glance because it is all too common in our household for emotions to run one way or another when Minnesota sports are involved. He either did not notice my glance or purposely ignored it.

I have to say that this is an area I don't generally have problems with, unless.......

Unless the sports team involves my kids!!

I have to admit that yes, days after a big game, race, or match, I am too often elated or bummed!

I remember vividly a softball game that my daughter Lindly was pitching in.

I was watching from a spot directly behind home plate.

It was the bottom of the seventh and final inning, her team was ahead by only one run. The bases were loaded, there were two outs, and the count was 2 and 2! The girl who was up to bat had hit an "in the park" home run earlier in the game.

Lindly rocks back, throws the pitch...........

BALL!

WHAT???

I think I'm going to be sick...Oh my gosh Lindly will be so embarrassed, her mother throwing up right behind home plate!!

I quash the urge. (thank you Lord)

My heart was pounding, I swear I could hear it!

The catcher throws the ball back to Lindly. She smiles

She pushes the dirt around in front of the mound, wipes her hand on her jersey and begins her wind up.

Rocks back, throws the pitch......

Strike three!! Game over!!

Ohhh the JOY, the EXHILERATION!! SWEET VICTORY!!

Who knew that being a mom would come with such perks?

Now I can't really say that I have thrown a winning pitch in a pressure situation

But I think I can say with confidence that I know what it feels like.

For the emotions washing over me at that moment I was blessed to see duplicated in my precious girl as she celebrated such a hard won victory with her team.

Is it wrong to be giddy over a sports victory a week removed? probably.

Reveling a victory with a child who has worked tirelessly to perfect her skill.

Now That! is a blessing from the Father.

I believe that my heavenly Father revels with me in each victory I manage to achieve here on earth, many of which are as well hard fought battles. It is so good to know He is right behind home plate for me.

Leaves

2008-12-22T22:23:00.000-05:00

So I have alot of trees in my backyard
so far quite a few leaves have fallen
bags and bags of them actually

If you look up at the trees you can see many leaves still hanging on
they seem to be dead....faded shades of brown and yellow, withered

Yet still...there they are...enduring...wind, rain, ice....
I suspect they are waiting...waiting

until I pick up their comrades.... ones who have already fallen

Last night, the wind howled, gusted, rattled the windows

and yet they hang on!

I'm sure of it
its a conspiracy among the trees

I will clean the yard.. free the grass from their suffocating grasp

only then will they fall

and the trees will laugh

Wild Ride

2008-11-18T13:45:00.000-05:00

Parenting is like a really long roller coaster ride.

Have you ever gotten on a coaster and while you're on your way up thought...

"what the heck have I gotten myself into??"

click, click, click

Then before you can catch your breath you are FLYING!!! Weeee...WoooHoooo!!!

What great fun babies and toddlers can be! Your world is turned upside down but you LOVE it!

You no longer have any time to yourself for it is totally consumed with midnight feedings and diaper changes that eventually give way to a concentrated state of vigilance only an Army sentry could rival as toddlers seem to be intent on self destruction; walking into streets, swatting wasps, anything and everything seems to find a way to their mouths Oh and not to mention the horrific news stories of stranger abductions that seem to be on the news or talk shows daily!

but you don't care because with each sticky kiss and baby hug your heart just melts!!

Up, down, loop de loop!!

Just when you think you have the hang of it... WHAM! teenagers and grown children

Sometimes when you are on a roller coaster it's not pleasant and you just hang on tight.

Still... I usually get off the coaster and want to get right back on.

Some day my kids will be gone with kids of their own and I will remember the thrills and wish I could ride one more time.

Kreative Blogger Award

2008-11-09T22:21:00.001-05:00

Okay, I can definitely think of ten things that make me smile but i don't think I have six blogger friends to tag.

Here goes with the ten things.

1. Gods creation, whether it is the beautiful trees in my back yard in varying shades of autumn or the rolling ocean view I witnessed at my niece's recent wedding His creation always makes me smile as it is a constant reminder of His love for us.

2. My husband Paul, for 25 years now he has been making me smile on a daily basis.

3. My boys,all three of them. Who knew how entertaining they would become while just being boys!

4. My incredible grown up daughter who is so much like her dad! To witness the walking talking female version of Paul would surely make anyone who knows and loves him smile!

5. My mom and dad! Their love is awesome to witness. I pray that the love that Paul and I share will endure as theirs has.

6. The sleepy kiss I get every morning when Paul leaves for work. On my bedside table he leaves me a carafe of coffee along with the paper and a cup with just the right amount of creamer in it so that when I wake up I can have a hot cup before I even get out of bed. He then gives me a kiss before he leaves. That always makes me smile!

7. Christmas music!!

8. My dog Jack! He is always genuinely happy to see me when I come home, whether I've been gone for a week or ten minutes! The way he pins his ears back, wags that tail and jumps up on my lap!! Unconditional Love! Who doesn't smile at that??

9. Watching Lindly and the boys catch up when she comes home from school, I didn't think I'd ever see the day that they would all get along and really like each other but that day has indeed come and it's wonderful to see.

10. A smile from a stranger! as long as it's a real one and not a creepy stalker kind of smile, those just give me the willies!

Lost Boy

2008-10-05T23:11:00.000-04:00

There once was a charming little boy who looked at the moon and saw a cookie

He had the biggest brown eyes that danced when he smiled and a more charming smile did not exist.

He enamored everyone wherever he went, even the crankiest of old men
Everyone loved him...... but most of all his mommy

She didn't know such love was even possible, sometimes the fear of something happening to him was more than she could bear

He brought her such joy!

Questions all the time about every little thing.....
Why does water bubble when it gets hot? Why don't spiders fall off the ceiling? Who made God?

hugs, kisses, giggles, and always I Love You Mommy!

Then one day when she wasn't looking..... He started to grow up.
He could get his own cereal in the morning and pour his own juice, he could even take a bath and wash his own hair.

He found the answers to alot of his questions in books and of course school.
So he didn't need his mommy so much anymore.
She was sad but all little boys need to grow up so she let him.

Years went by and the mommy was very busy as mommies always are. There were other children to care for, errands to run, and always housework.

Then one day she realized that she had not seen the little boy in awhile, Oh she saw him come and go but as she watched him she realized a difference about him.

He looked like her little boy, same dark hair, same big brown eyes... maybe that was it, his eyes didn't dance anymore.

There were no questions, no hugs,no kisses not even an occasional giggle.

Where did he go??

In time she began to look for him.

Sometimes she felt like she would never find him...she cried alot

She looked and looked but he was nowhere....

A couple of times she thought she had found him but alas it wasn't her little boy at all an imposter, a cruel imitation, he looked like the boy, talked like him, walked like him...but it wasn't him. Gone were the dancing eyes, the thoughtful questions.

When she looked at him she saw indifference, pain, a disregard for all that he used to hold dear.

In time she came to see that the sweet boy she loved was indeed there but trapped.

Trapped in a haze of confusion, lies, drugs, addiction.

Did he even understand he was trapped? Could he just leave? Did he want to leave?

Blessed

2008-09-30T08:58:00.000-04:00

A very important day is right around the corner.

It's not a wedding anniversary or a birthday but an anniversary of a meeting

a meeting that changed my life forever.

Funny, I was in a bad mood for most of the night.

Out of sync with my good friends who all seemed to be following their own agendas.

Not having a strong will to follow my own I tagged along with them.

Larry, Tom, Robin.

Odd... at the time they were my closest friends...now I haven't a clue where they are.

Then there was Paul..so cute! SO funny!! Totally 80's wearing a skinny tie.

Hands down the best looking man ever!

October 7, 1983

God reached down from heaven and sent me the love of my life

one who has ever since that day cared for me, loved me, and kept me laughing!

I didn't realize until recently that the laughter is what keeps me going.

For those who know me well I am a melancholy sort..prone to drama and tears.

at least I used to be... "Tina, don't be so dramatic!!" a favorite of mom in my youth.

But for the last 25 amazing years I have laughed and loved as Paul and I walk through life together.

Looking forward to the next 25!

Perspective

2008-08-20T19:32:00.000-04:00

Why is it that when you are surrounded by darkness....

even the littlest bit of light can seem so BRIGHT?

and conversely, when immersed in light

the smallest bit of darkness is hardly noticeable at all?

We are always drawn to light, it's impossible to ignore

Yet darkness is subtle

it has a way of sneaking up on you

If the light dims ever so slightly...just a bit at a time

you don't even realize it, until one day....

you are all alone.... in the dark.....

Motherhood

2007-10-20T18:57:00.000-04:00

Before I had children I used to wonder what it would be like.

Of course you know that you will love them but truth be told..

You have no idea. None really, of the sheer depth of emotion that takes you the moment that baby is in your arms and never lets go.

The emotions gradually give way as life goes on and the monumental task that is "raising children" begins.

Oh the emotions are there, they may fade to the background but they never really disappear. With every wonderful first....

The first real smile, first laugh, first step, first words..... Oh to hear your baby say "mama"!

But, before you know it, the mundane tasks associated with child rearing have a way of becoming work rather than a joyful process.

After all, not so much joy in a screaming tantrum when you are four deep at the grocery check out with two weeks of food to be purchased. Did I mention the migraine that can sometimes accompany the tantrum?

Nothing joyful about loaded diapers, spit up, and runny noses.

Then it's on to the elementary years of gymnastics, swim lessons, cub scouts, Little League, PTA, science projects, book fairs, teacher gifts, fund raisers, .....

Suffice to say that for years your life is a little chaotic to say the least!!

Then come the teen years....

Those scary teen years that the very thought of is enough to make even the most confident of us quiver right in our mini vans or for the really cool moms SUV's

Because after all we were all teens once ourselves.

Joy, Fear, Anger, Love, Hope, Doubt, FRUSTRATION!

Every emotion known to man will be woven together with all the sheer hard work, blood, sweat, and tears that make up motherhood to form a beautiful tapestry that is your life.

I love my tapestry.

It is heavy, it is complex, it is beautiful.

It is my own.

The Sky is Falling...Or is it??

2007-10-12T20:48:00.000-04:00

I'm all about being a good steward of our home but I must say...

That I find it a bit ironic that many of the chicken littles
who are worried silly that the earth is not going to be around for their grandchildren are the same people who wholeheartedly believe that the earth and universe all began with a big BANG and has been in existance for Billions mind you not Millions but BILLIONS of years....

They are convinced that man is really going to screw it all up in a hundred years or so???

Go figure

I need a nap

2007-10-03T16:48:00.000-04:00

Helen Keller once said...

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.
Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened,ambition inspired, and success achieved.

I still think I need a nap!

Trees

2007-09-23T22:05:00.000-04:00

early in the morning a moment of quiet before I head to work.

I like to sit on my deck and look at my trees....
I'm not even sure what kind of trees they are
I know one is an oak, it's huge!

I Love the trees...my trees!

I Love looking at them in the summer so full, lush, varying shades of green.
Even in the winter when they are bare, there they stand.... stoic and strong.
In the spring they are covered with tiny buds....the hope of warm weather to come.

In the fall they become Paul's trees as they shed their leaves.
All ten million of them!!

Actually I don't mind so much
Raking can be very theraputic...and tiring...as well as muscle building or for those of us that are in the over 40 set, muscle paralyzing!!

I digress...

As I was sitting on the deck last week pondering the frailty of life
it ocurred to me that my trees withstand all kinds of hardships... rain,insects,birds,(woodpeckers) drought,wind, extreme cold.

Sometimes the wind snaps branches, the drought can certainly stress them... I could even cut one down, seeming to kill it but in time shoots would appear.

As I was thinking about the strength of my beautiful trees I thought of God.

Creator of all things

If you look for him.... he is everywhere... Just as my trees can withstand so much.

I can too.

He cares for the lilies of the field, he cares for my trees

and he cares for me.

Friendship

2007-09-12T15:46:00.000-04:00

Oh, The comfort...the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person,
Having neither to weigh thoughts
Nor measure words...but pouring them
All right out...just as they are...
Chaff and grain together
Certain that a faithful hand will
Take and sift them
Keep what is worth keeping
and with the breath of kindness
Blow the rest away

Dinah Maria Mulock Craik

Wisdom

2007-09-12T15:43:00.000-04:00

It is not wise to put on tight pants so soon after applying lotion to your legs.

were you thinking it was going to be profound given the title?

a bit of wisdom none the less

Who's the Alpha?

2007-09-11T15:15:00.000-04:00

My dog Jack and I are engaged in a battle. Who's the Alpha? I like to think I am but then again so does he. When we go for our morning walks who gets out the door first? Who dictates where we will go? When we will stop? I suspect if there are any PETA members living in my neighborhood they are keeping a close eye on me because to a casual observer I may very well look like I am abusing the poor thing dragging him about.

I used to think that the poor little fella just couldn't keep up because he would come to a screeching halt throw his little head back and refuse to budge. Good thing that he is a small terrier and not a Great Dane. After experiencing several of these little tantrums I realized it wasn't that he was too tired or too hot. He just didn't want to walk where I was walking.

According to Ceasar Milan aka "The Dog Whisperer" I need to be the Alpha and lead Jack. He goes where I go, when I go, and for as long as I go. So, our walks are a work in progress. Some days are better than others I think I am winning the war if not every battle.

Ultimately it is for his good, I don't think he could handle the power of being the Alpha it would most certainly go to his little wiry haired head. I can only imagine; poor Hobbs (our cat) would probably never eat again as he would surely eat all of her food as he tries to do this daily. (Given her girth this would probably be a good thing in the short term but alas that's another pet blog.)

I'm sure he would disable the electronic fence. Pandemonium! He'd run the neighborhood oh I can see him now, running with the huskies down the street. Harassing the fenced dogs, chasing cats, cars, and kids!

Oh no siree! I really need to be the Alpha.....for Jacks sake.

Hidden Treasure

2007-08-23T21:50:00.000-04:00

Psalm 119:11
I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.

As I have endeavored to get fit in an effort to age gracefully I have taken up walking. I used to walk in the evenings but I've recently discovered (much to my non-morning self's amazement) the joy of the early morning walk! There is generally not much traffic, it is cooler, and best of all, my exercise quota is filled before my day begins!

I usually take along my ipod as it makes the time go by quicker. Today though, I walked in silence and took the time to pray. What an awesome privilege we have in Christ, to be able to go before the God of the universe as His child. I walked and talked with God for about 45 minutes.

These have been troubling times for me as I have had some serious struggles with one of my children. Not the easy time out, sentences, or "your grounded" kind of troubles but the gut wrenching, sleepless nights, is life ever going to be right again? kind of troubles.

As I was wrapping up pouring my heart out to my Heavenly Father these words just popped into my consciousness "I have loved you with an everlasting love" "I know every hair on your head" "I knit you together in your mothers womb". It was like God reached down from Heaven and gave me a hug.

Do you remember being little and sad or troubled when all was set right with a hug from mom or dad?...... Like THAT!

My God is so many things,He is a Mighty King, Sovereign Ruler, Creator, Provider, so much that I cannot even comprehend but he is my Father! oh how blessed am I!!

Growing Up

2007-08-21T22:18:00.000-04:00

My daughter is looking and acting more and more like a grown up. Funny how less and less I feel like one.

Why Tinker?

2007-06-25T18:33:00.000-04:00

I was stumped for a bit. Trying to think of a name for my blog. Finally I decided. I was thrilled to have come up with it actually. As I happily started putting it together one of the kids strolls by the computer. "Hey Joel, check this out" "Look at my blog". "Geez mom isn't that a bust on dad?" Figures! No, it's not a bust on dad! My name is not Tinker anymore but I am still a part of the Tinker family, as I'm arguing my point Lindly agrees with Joel. AHA! So Lindly, once you get married are you going to cease to be part of our family? Hmmmm "No, I guess not."......Vindication!!
I married at 19. So young because I just happened to find my other half then. I was not one of those little girls who dreams of a fairy tale wedding, nor did I give it much thought until it was actually upon me. I did, however have dreams of being on my own, having some kind of fabulous career, maybe traveling... Amazing how life can turn out so different than we intend sometimes.
So at 19 I became one half, bound forever to the funniest, smartest, coolest person I had ever come across. The very best thing about being married to Paul is the laughter. He has always made me laugh. Not just a giggle here and there but great big belly laughs on a very regular basis. I think it was then that I kind of left a part of who I was behind as I sought to become one with Paul. That's what marriage is, blending, becoming, giving and taking.
I am so happy to say that after 23 years I do truly feel one with him. I see our marriage as a gift from God. I have left behind parts of me that needed to go. I think I am less selfish because of his example. I have lightened up quite a bit and can laugh at myself more now than then.
Overall I think I have taken the best parts of Paul and made them mine. I hope he can say the same.
These days I find myself thinking of the younger me, the girl who was spontaneous, a bit of a spitfire, adventurous. While I love who I have become in this wonderful family Paul and I have made there is a tiny little part missing. That is Tina Tinker and this blog along with other things on the horizon is a part of bringing her home. Hence the title of the Blog.

On being little

2007-06-22T18:03:00.000-04:00

Yesterday while at work a co worker of mine commented on how little I am. I can't say this is the first time someone has commented on my stature. While I've become somewhat accustomed to remarks like this it always disarms me a bit. I don't see myself as little. I never have. Even when I was a child and the smallest in my classroom. (although by the fourth grade there was usually someone smaller than me).

It has caused me to ponder the whole self image thing. Does anyone really see themselves as they are? I've tried to look objectively at myself since and you know what? I still don't see "little".

It's Late

2007-06-18T23:26:00.000-04:00

This is fun, even though it's late. I should be in bed. I still have to make time for cookies and milk. That makes it even later! Oh well, some things are worth it and this is one of them. The beginning of finding me.